North Side casino is harbinger of death

City doomed.

In addition to traffic, prostitution, petty larceny and muggings, the North Shore slots parlor will also bring: Psoriasis, floods, pestilence, hysterical blindness, the rare condition known as "hot  dog fingers," a rift in the time/space continuum, the formation and deployment of an angry squirrel army, ingrown nails (both finger and toe), a lack of Wii video game consoles, a spike in oil prices,  Canadian civil war, a third term for George W. Bush, the reemergence of the Macarena and an outbreak of St. Vitus' Dance.

Furthermore, highways will melt, up will become down, dogs and cats will lie together, the courses of the three rivers will reverse, cookies will no longer taste good, vasectomies will inexplicably  spontaneously reverse, Richard Scaife will run the only newspaper in town, we will no longer be able to see magic in a child's smile, Ron Cook will find something to his liking and jukeboxes will only  contain The Doors.

Another Rocky film will be made, chimps will speak (turns out they'll sound like a cross between Sophie Masloff and Fred Rogers), the Steelers will put their logo on both sides of their helmets, drivers will maintain their speed through tunnels and use their turn signals  (see, some good will come of this), peat moss will become the coin of the realm, the Scientologists will turn out to have been right all along, the badness of Leroy Brown will be found to have been greatly exaggerated, the U.S. will convert to the metric system and, suddenly, it will be rather easy out there for a pimp.