Pittsburgh Dish

Pens win, Jagr photographed looking grizzled

Mr. Dish had an excellent seat for Sunday's playoff game, which the Penguins won 3-2 in overtime (as if you didn't know by now)

This photo, taken with Mr. Dish's cell phone camera, shows former Penguins' star Jaromir Jagr looking a bit ragged prior to the opening faceoff of yesterday's ice hockey contest.

Mr. Dish was sitting in the second row from the ice, next to the Rangers' penalty box. He harassed several Rangers from this position. He paid far too much for the ticket.

If you would like to help Mr. Dish defray the cost of his hockey habit, feel free to advertise with Pittsburgh Dish. We have more readers and more reasonable rates that the North Side Chronicle. Donations are also acceptable. As are Penguins playoff tickets.

Have a swell weekend folks, but before that...

Contact Dish HQ about placing your business card (with a link) on our humble, yet oddly popular (who knew?!) website. C'mon, you know you want to be associated with our fine publication. Email us at editor@pittsburghdish.com for details.

Go Steelers.

Truth in advertising: Can the Bucs boost their image?

Sports Editor Jody DiPerna pitches an eye-patch free ad campaign for the Pirates for the 2006 season.

"What we're suggesting, Mr. Nutting and Mr. McClatchy, is a series of print and television ads that highlights the one area in which the Pirates are a superior organization than the Yankees, Giants, Cardinals, Marlins, and all of those other clubs who manage to make the post-season, or at least finish with winning records regularly," opens the first ad pitchman.

"Right," says the second ad exec. "The first television spot opens with clips of Raphael Palmiero testifying before Congress, pointing his finger sanctimoniously, saying, 'I've never used steroids. Never. Not now. Not ever.' Then we cut to an undisclosed player entering the bathroom stall with a syringe in his hand and we quickly cut to cut to Palmiero being booed in his first appearance after testing positive for steroids.

"That fades to a Sunday afternoon shot of PNC Park. It's a beautiful spring day, the sun is shining, the Riverwalk is picturesque and there's a giveaway for kids - maybe a Jack Wilson shirt; parents are happily streaming in with their young kids, done up in Pirates hats and carrying programs. The spot ends with a sepia toned shot of Freddy Sanchez flailing away at a breaking ball. Patriotic music plays softly in the background.

"Tag line: Not in our house. Not now. Not ever. Bring your family to see the only drug-free roster left in the bigs. 2006 Pittsburgh Pirate tickets on sale now."

Nutting and McClatchy, button down types if there ever were some, squirm in their seats.

The second advertising exec says, "Look, I know it's a radical idea. But fortune favors the bold, gentlemen. This idea hits on so many levels. Just bear with us."

The first advertising pitchman continues, "The next spot opens with a shot of Jason Giambi jacking his majestic home run at Yankee Stadium over the Pirates in 2005. Then a quick montage of Randy Johnson striking out the Pirates in the first inning. Cut back to Giambi's preseason press conference where he apologized for, well, something that he never really identified -- a teary, bloated but unrepentant Jason Giambi and then Joe Torre defending him for being 'a stand up guy.' And we cut to a shot of Zach Duke, Jack Wilson, Jose Castillo and Jason Bay standing in the outfield at PNC Park, again in sepia tones, with the American Flag blowing in the background.

"Same tag line. Not in our house. Not now. Not ever."

As McClathy and the Nutting look uncomfortably at one another, the second ad exec steps in, "Look, I can see you're uncomfortable with this idea, but frankly ... well, frankly, there's no other way to market this team."

"Right," continues the first pitchman. "See, there are fans here in Pittsburgh who are young enough that they don't ever remember the Pirates winning. They don’t remember Pops and Clemente and Maz’s homer over the Yanks in 1960. They don’t even remember the Bonds and Bonilla era very clearly. They think this is a losing organization since forever, like the White Sox. Or the Cubs."

"But without the charm of the Cubs," says the second adman. "And you guys don't make it any easier."

Silence by the ownership group.

He continues, "See you’ve got to market to these 20 somethings and, really, all they remember is the losing. Year after year of depressing, disheartening, soul crushing losing. You're in what, the 13th year of your rebuilding phase and you finished at the bottom of the Central, behind the Brewers and Reds, for crying out loud. You lost 95 games this year. But if we take our approach, that this team is clean from top to bottom, there is just so much fodder for you. The Pirates are one of the few teams untouched by Balco and the Congressional Hearings."

McClatchy says, "Yes, but we have hope for next year. We've got a core of good talent. Zach Duke, Maholm, Ollie Perez and Sean Burnett's coming back. Jack Wilson and Jose Castillo. And of course, Jason Bay."

"Right, but your fans aren't idiots. These fans who aren't old enough to remember when Phil Garner was a player and not a manager, but they do remember year after year of losing hot prospects. The bigs are littered with former Pirates performing at a high level - Jason Schmitt, Tim Wakefield off the top of my head. I mean, you let Jose Guillen go for nothing at all. Just two years ago, you traded Aramis Ramirez for a bag of batting practice balls. And you got the human windmill, Ty Wiggington, for Kris Benson."

The first ad exec continues, "You've got to hook the young fans to build a new base. They want a winning team. Short of that, you’ve got to give them some other reason to show up.

And why not appeal to their sense of fair play and patriotism?"

"Nearly every day there's more film footage to be used to our advantage. Why, just last week, Senator John McKain laid into union boss Donald Fehr. It was beautiful. Did you McKain just ripping him saying, 'Don't you get it? Don't you get it?' And we can use the footage of Jim Bunning reaming Donald Fehr, too." chimes in the second ad guy. "Hell, we can even use Barry Bonds -- young and skinny with the Pirates in 1991 juxtaposed with him now with that giant noggin and sounding like an idiot every time he opens his mouth. ‘Not in our house. Not then. Not now. Not ever.’

"And going out on a limb for a creative advertising campaign can reap huge rewards. Who even heard of Aflac 5 years ago before they introduced the duck ads?"

Convinced, McClatchy and the Nuttings agree to this bold thinking, marking the start of the most creative advertising seen in MLB, and by doing so, unwittingly, change the karmic flow and set in motion a new spirit at PNC Park that actually carries the Pirates to a .500 record in 2006.

It's also an advertising campaign so ingenious that it manages to tweak and offend the Commissioner, the fat, bloated, self-important players, the bloated self-important politicians, the Balco goons, George Steinbrenner and even the self-important seam-head stats obsessed baseball fanatics; it even makes fun of the Pittsburgh Pirates' pathetic recent memory.

In sports parlance, it's a hole in one, a perfect game and a game winning 2 minute drive all rolled in to one. Unfortunately, with the leadership we've seen on the banks of the Allegheny, it's an advertising campaign we'll never see in our lifetimes. But a girl can dream, can't she?

Stick 'em up

We're trashy.

People, including yourself, read Pittsburgh Dish. Dish wants more people to read Dish so that Dish can charge advertisers more to advertise on Dish (Get in on the ground floor, people. Special introductory rate still available. $50 a month, three-month minimum? Small money, indeed, to reach such a bright and influential audience. And a rather pretty one as well, Dish must add. Don't blush, you're a vision of loveliness). Being wily, Dish thought: Dish should promote Dish. What did Dish do? Dish did this: Have graphic designer chum Kyle (please patronize Kyle's business, smartpilldesign.com, for all your design needs) print up a bunch of Dish stickers. Dish handed the Dish stickers out at Dish's August launch party. Many people took Dish stickers and stuck them hither and yon. They like Dish.

Well, apparently an afDISHionado thought the ATMs and trash cans of Shadyside were primed for Dish love and stuck Dish stickers here and there. At least one Shadysidian was displeased.

Email exchange with Shadyside resident:

Dear Editor: I wanted to ask you to stop putting your stickers on the trash cans and atm's in Shadyside. We're trying to keep the neighborhood clean, and would appreciate your help. There are many other ways for you to advertise, and we hope that you'll go those routes.

Many thanks.--S

Dish responds:

We appreciate your concern, but we didn't put them there. Others have access to our stickers as well. --Joe, Pittsburgh Dish

That's good to know. But are there other legitimate uses for the stickers or are they just passed out randomly?

P.S. Is there a name associated with "editor?" --S

I can't say I'm sure what you mean by "other legitimate uses." Our names are listed on the about page of the website. Joe Miksch and Colleen Van Tassell. --Joe

What I meant is: What are the uses for the stickers? And who has access to them? So far I've only seen them on trash cans and atm's. If there are internal uses, that's all to the good. I just hate to see them plastered on other peoples' private property. --S

End of transmission. So far.

Dish understands. Dish doesn't want to deface. Yet, Dish wonders if Concerned Citizen of Shadyside  (CCS) calls, emails, nettles every rock band or garage sale haver that dare post in his bailiwick. Dish can control the weather, the outcome of New York-Penn League baseball games, the tides, squirrels and, on occasion, NASDAQ. Dish cannot control where Dish stickers are placed. And, not for nothin', but Dish wonders what Shadyside's Mr. Clean means by the "purpose" of Dish stickers. To cure irritable bowel syndrome, of course.

In short, while Dish empathizes (oh, scratch that. let's go with "semi-gives-a-toss"), Dish can do no more than chide illicit Dish sticker stickers. Tsk, tsk. And let's not forget: If Dish stickers are outlawed, only outlaws will have Dish stickers.

P.S. Contact Dish at editor@pittsburghdish.com for free stickers.

Puff 'n Stuff

The plan? To jam McKnight Road with consumers fallen under the spell of an aerial slogan. 

Skytypers flaunted their "high impact advertising" skills during Wings Over Pittsburgh this past weekend, pitching high-end vacuum cleaners to landlubber consumers. "Take the Oreck Challenge," was spelled out in computer-controlled biodegradable vapor puffs of smoke. Skytypers boast their airborne ads are 1,000 feet tall, 8 miles long, and is visible in a 30 mile circle. Kind of like the posterior of Dish's neighbor. "This exposure reaches millions of people in any major metropolitan area," Skytypers claim. The same goes for Mr. Dish's social disease du jour.

Wings, it turns out, not only provided a boost to retail consumerism, but did one heck of a job attracting gullible ones of a different stripe. While the success of the Oreck ad is uncertain as regards flogging vacs, the Pentagon reports that hundreds of single guys and gals joined the Air Force after seeing the F-16s aloft. This was doubtless a boon for armed forces but, sadly, it further cramped Pittsburgh's dating scene (and the City Paper's personals).

Now, Skytypers has other clients, providing a list on its website. Unfortunately, the company didn't supply the appropriate slogans. Dish feel compelled to fill the gap. Here yinz go:

Manny Roberts Hair Replacement: "22-year olds will like you now."

Dunkin' Donuts: "We call them counter help."

Heinekin: "Dutch for crap."

Sandals resorts: "For those who can't plan their own vacation."

AT&T Military Marketing: "Operation Busy Signal."

Tower Airlines: "We have pretzels."

Photos by Randy

Coinkydink?

Notice today's Goggle ad for Jimmy Buffett tickets (it may have vanished by now but it was there)? Dish has no idea what ads will pop up, but the notion that we might be considered hypocritical douchebags (photo) is too fun to ignore.

Photo: bumper sticker spotted on an SUV.

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Please help. Grandma needs bunion surgery.

Graphic Design: Kyle Summer, www.smartpilldesign.com.