Inscrutable Metaphor Scruted: Or, the Parsing of the Absurd

A developer's (wet) dream.

On Oct. 21, the Pittsburgh Business Times reported the same thing that just about everyone else has: American Eagle Outfitters is setting up its corporate headquarters at SouthSide Works, in what’s called the Quantum II (Has it a flux capacitor?) building.

That’s swell. The clothing hawker will not only occupy the 186,000-square-foot edifice (Hey, isn’t the speed of light 186,000-miles-per second? Coincidence? Perhaps it does have a flux capacitor.), the Amiggle will also build a new structure next door. Hooray for development!

So, there you have that. Then, here comes the odd part, the PBT quotes a developer named Damian Soffer, who apparently had something to do with bringing Amiggle in from the suburbs. Addressing a crowd of Amiggle employees, Soffer is quoted as saying, “I just got the Pamela Anderson of companies to move to Pittsburgh. You’re my dream date.”

Here, Dish is bewildered and reduced to asking the following questions:

1) Amiggles corporate dirty pillows … bigger than, say, GM’s?
2) Is Soffer really man enough to date the hundreds who work at Amiggle HQ?
3) Is Tommy Lee at all upset about this situation, or has the pain subsided?
4) Were Mr. Dish not married, would Amiggle consider going out for a beer or something?
5) Did Mr. Soffer really aim for Victoria's Secret and uttered a Freudian slip?
6) Could Soffer do something about bringing the Julianne Moore of companies to Pittsburgh? Mr. Dish would like that very much, thank you.

Top photo swiped from Rick Santorum's website (Do you really want the address? Didn't think so.). Soffer is the guy with the mustache. Not pictured: Pam Anderson or her development.