Pittsburgh Dish

Local lesbians weathering new crush

KDKA-TV weather woman wonderful, they say

Valerie Abati joined KDKA-TV in September 2007. On New Year's Eve, sources informed Dish that she unwittingly joined with the hearts of Pittsburgh's lesbians shortly thereafter.

Dish takes no stance on Abati's sexuality, but one local lesbian (who, frankly, is enamored regardless) reports that this fearless forecaster is one fine femme and is adored by the Sapphic Sisters of Steeltown.

Abati delivers the weather during the KDKA-TV morning news, Pittsburgh Today Live and the noon newscast. She's a local gal, having grown up in Conneaut Lake (the northwestern Pennsylvania town, not the northwestern Pennsylvania body of water, which makes sense as she does not appear to have gills), and
earned her Bachelor of Science in Meteorology from Penn State.

Abati has talked isobars and fronts in Erie; Clarksburg, W.Va.; Chattanooga, Tenn.; and Cincinnati, Ohio. Her KDKA bio reports that:

"Two things Valerie loves are being active and trying new things. Her hobbies include volleyball, rollerblading, dance, and she's also taking golf and tennis lessons."

(Ed: Dish finds all these activities exhausting, preferring to supinely occupy sofa space.)

"Also," the bio continues, "she is very happy to be back in Steelers country."

Not as glad as certain gals who enjoy the company of gals are that you're here, Valerie.

It's not dish soap

It's Pittsburgh's latest gloss

Another upscale magazine will launch in August, joining the glossy ranks of Whirl, Shady Avenue and Pittsburgh Metropolitan. This newest entry into Pittsburgh lifestyle musings will be "pocket-sized," and "portable."

Vowing to cover "The New Pittsburgh," LUX promises "cutting-edge writing, fresh designs and hot images" between it's wee covers. Targeting Pittsburgh's "creative, dynamic professional crowd--an urban high energy group that knows what they like," the magazine claims it will be "the ulitimate guide to Pittsburgh." LUX will "hand deliver" over 20,000 copies to 300 locations.

Dish awaits their copy at Riggs.

You little weasel

Spaghetti-armed tyke tries to sink duck boat

In an unprovoked act of aggression Thursday, a youthful crewman of the USS Requin (the submarine moored at the North Side's Carnegie Science Center) attempted to scuttle the venerable orange member of the Just Ducky Tours fleet with what appears to be a snowball.

The duck boat's crew - an amalgam of tourists and prepubescents - reportedly responded to the salvo with a volley of quacks. The confrontation ended without casualties.

Just Ducky Tours co-owner and neighbor of Dish, Chris D'Addario, was reached for comment last night. He was not moved by the bellicose act.

"(The attacker) probably should have used an Icee Ball," D'Addario said. "He would have stood a better chance of sinking it."

Photo from the Post-Gazette. Click image for larger view.

Police push pilot program

Cops hope crime fighting website catches on

On March 8, Police and neighbors on Fleming Street on the North Side worked together to nab a thief, who struck a home while cops were en route to the location. A suspected was apprehended and neighbors identified him. Turned out the suspect was responsible for several unsolved copper pipe robberies in the area.

Neighbors were connected, shared information with each other and the police. All this happened at the scene, face-to-face, door-to-door. But neighbors two blocks over may not have heard about the crime or the arrest. Sometimes word-of-mouth isn't enough.

Watchful neighbors now have another tool to use to help keep their streets safe. Zone 1 police are using a St. Paul-based website called Citizen Observer, a site that sends out alerts, fugitive descriptions and crime prevention information. Registration is free.

"We are providing information that will include new ways to keep us all connected and informed and will help keep our community safer," the website reads.

Once registered, alerts can be received via email, fax, pager or cell phone. All tips are anonymous and no information is posted that could jeopardize a case.

Zone 1 is the pilot station for the crime fighting website, which was launched on Feb 23. Funding was provided through the North Side Leadership Council as well as a host of banks. If successful, the program may go citywide.

"Our goal is to get all of the North Side registered on this site," said Officer Forrest Hodges, who is the community relations/crime prevention officer for the North Side. "You never know when you can help a neighbor." Hodges attends several neighborhood safety meetings per week and is plugged into North Side Block Watch campaigns and community groups.

While Hodges doesn't know how many residents have signed up yet, he said the program is "going very well."

 

How cold is it?

Burrgh advice

by Bernadette Sukley

It's so cold ...

... that if you spit over the top of the Cath of Learning, (not at all suggesting you should) it would become ice crystals long before it hit the ground or Dean Kroboth's head.

... that if you had a choice between frost bite and a dog bite--you'd pick the dog.

... that if you make a face, it'll freeze that way. Seriously, it will. Don't do it.

... that if Jeff Reed kicked a field goal, the ball would shatter into a million pieces and ... no that's just too painful to contemplate right now.

There are two words that can get you killed easily on the streets of Pittsburgh (besides Go Patriots!): global warming. Sure, temperatures have risen at an alarming rate since 1750, but now right now it's a myth. Until the strangely balmy weather returns, this is a cold snap that may break the will of many a weather-hardened citizen.

Here's how to cope:

Don't drink (booze). It doesn't warm you up. That's also a myth. Hooch opens up surface blood vessels, which means more surface area and blood therein exposed to frigid air. The result, a happy, but dangerously chilly you.

Wear a hat. Simple, but sound advice, about 50-percent of the body's warmth escapes from an uncovered head. And bald men are more at risk for that type of heat loss. The I'm-going-bald-so-I'll-shave-my-head-anyway haircut will just have to wait.

Keep everything covered. No outdoor pole dancing. And remember the sign "bridge freezes before road?" That applies to the rings & things from body piercings. Temporary removal of ear, nose, eyebrow, navel, and er, nipple rings will decrease chances of having a crater-like scar after the docs at UPMC have to chip away all the dead, frozen skin.

All hands on deck

Pittsburgh card club wants you

Let's play cards. And not Texas Hold 'Em, like Jennifer Tilly and all the whippersnapper kids are doing these days. No, we're talking about the Grand Dame of the Card Games, euchre.

The name "euchre" may come from the old French game of "jucker" (referring to the joker in the deck), a game that may or may not date back the French revolution of 1789. Or it may come from the game of "Ecarte", named and popularized locally by the Pennsylvania Dutch. Who cares, really. The Spanish played a similar game, too -- they called it Triumph, while the Germans called it Juckerspiel.

More than you wanted to know, probably. Well, tough:

Back when French and German immigrants were flooding upon our shores, euchre was more popular in America than was poker, which was limited to the Old West and the riverboat casinos of the day. Meanwhile, the once-popular card game called "Whist" was fading. (Eventually, "whist" morphed into bridge, though some devotees in Europe still play whist by the original rules.)

Euchre's popularity in the rest of the English-speaking world can be partly attributed the U.S. Navy, it has been said, and eventually euchre was a popular game among all U.S. military branches. In Pennsylvania, the theory goes, the game was spread by the Pennsylvania Dutch and German immigrants. In the Midwest, the game migrated upstream, from French-speaking New Orleans up the Ohio River Valley.

However it spread, only pockets of North American players remain, many of them in the Midwest, a few of them in Pennsylvania and New York, and a few more in Ontario. Why it declined in popularity is hard to say.

But to hell with everybody else. Let's play some cards. Our tiny euchre group is seeking members -- we meet on the second Thursday of each month. Contact Bill at william_toland@yahoo.com for details.

Stuff we missed

Dish a day late and a dollar short on the holidays' news.

Dish sees that Pittsburgh's Premier Porno Palace may not be long for  this world. Yes, the venerable Garden Theater, where a few bucks  admission will get you that big screen adult film experience you expect and that anonymous genital grope you've been hoping for, is running out of time to be the big sticking point in the renewal of  the North Side's Federal/North corridor.

Sayeth the Commonwealth's Supreme Court, "Verily, the City of Pittsburgh may taketh thine den of sin and transformeth it into a Starbucks or some such. Lo, the humble wanker must now invest in a DVD player in order to be inspired to rub himself the right way. Dish has been unable to verify that the dairy aisle of the Cedar Avenue Giant Eagle will be named the new favored cruising spot, apparently narrowly beating out the shrubbery near the Andean Condor's cage at the National Aviary.

Of course Dish understands that the U.S. Supreme Court may hear the Garden's appeal. Here's hoping it doesn't as Justice Clarence Thomas has a soft spot for hardcore.

Franco, Franco, take that decrepit bar and make us some good food.

Former Steelers running back and fortified donut magnate Franco Harris is charging headlong into his Mediterranean restaurant venture, to be sited at the intersection of the aforementioned Federal and North (pictured right). The Hall of Fame ball hauler hopes to have the victuals flying by late Spring. Godspeed, Franco. May you make Immaculate Appetizers and estimable entrees before the Pirates embark on their 15th consecutive losing season.

Coach Cowher Cwitter.

Apparently, Mr. Cowher is miffed that the Rooney family doesn't want to pay him Mike Holmgren money even though his Steelers defeated the Craig Stadler look-alike's Seahawks in Super Bowl XL. To North Carolina with you, then, coach. May you healthfully bask in the moderate climes of Raleigh, enjoy your youngest daughter's remaining high school years, return to the NFL in two years' time with the Washington Redskins at $10 million per annum and enjoy moderate success (though never against the Steelers).

Thanks for the Super Bowl memories, Coach. Thanks for the chin, spittle, and mustache.

Whole lotta racism goin' on

Holidays bring out the best in people. 

Let's tally up the hate, shall we?

"Whites Suck" is painted on a fence in East Liberty; a sticker warning of the impending invasion by SUV-driving Klansmen is affixed to a Dumpster in the Mexican War Streets on the North Side; racist flyers were posted in South Oakland; and now a warm and fuzzy tale about Nazi gingerbread men. Dish will reserve comment on the North Side sticker, save for this: "Every body" is one word. And, seriously, what the hell is that apostrophe doing in "SUV's"? If you're going to trouble yourself with hating the yuppie hordes via sticker, at least have the decency to use proper English. And if you're going to stereotype all whiteys as Klansmen, at least have the decency to refer to the properly stereotypical Klan vehicle: The pickup.

(Note: WPXI posted the Hitlerrific cookie story under "Food News." Hey kids: Racism tastes great with milk!)

Gun raffle shot to *hit

Rifle raffle kerfuffle.

OK, Dish has been known to make stuff up. But this one is true. Pinky swear:

Vanderbuilt, PA—The Indian Creek Valley Mountaineers Parents Association sold raffle tickets to benefit a local youth football league. The prize was a spiffy Remington rifle valued at more than $525 to be presented at the annual gun bash.

The gun ticket puller-outer stuck his/her hand in the big gun ticket barrel and yanked out the big gun winner: Bonnie Hollis, 41.

Bonnie went to claim her firearm but was denied. Seems her grandson sold her the ticket by Little Timmy forgot to turn in the money. Though the seller is kin, Hollis told the Daily Courier "When you sell a ticket, you are supposed to stand behind it.”

Charles Rahmig, president of the ICVMPA, told Little Timmy’s parents that the ticket would be invalid if he didn’t turn in the money or the stubs. LT either spent the money on candy cigarettes and hookers or just plum forgot. Rahmig said the rifle will be held for a future raffle.

Police have labeled the case as an alleged theft with Hollis as the victim. The investigation is continuing.

The ironic thing is that had Bonnie had her own gun in the first place, it's highly unlikely that the rafflers would have held out on her. The lesson? An armed granny is a persuasive granny.

North Side impending traffic disaster requires lovely leaflet

You know you're screwed when you get your own font. 

While North Siders are girding their loins in preparation for the North Shore Connector construction farce next month, The Port Authority of Allegheny County is apparently trying to soothe their imminent ire by responding with a darling information flyer complete with all sorts of good stuff.

Christened "The Scoop," it will contain information about upcoming street closures, bus and car detours, construction highlights, public meeting information, progress reports, project schedules and anger management classes (just kidding, for now).

The flyer will be distributed electronically and printed copies will be available at Port Authority’s Downtown Service Center, Sustainable Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh Downtown Partnership, Community College of Allegheny County, Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh, Fifth Avenue Place, and Allegheny Towers and Parking Garage.

Oh, and there's even a construction information hotline, 412-566-5222. You know you're really screwed when you get your own hotline.

Jude Law in town

Young Brit seen in clutches of young brat last night.

British actor Jude Law was seen on the set of "Mysteries of Pittsburgh" last night. Law was visiting his on-again off-again girlfriend Sienna Miller who has been in town shooting the film, which also stars Peter Sarsgaard and Nick Nolte. Law arrived in Pittsburgh yesterday, sources said.

The couple was spotted while filming at a house in the upscale suburb of Sewickley, home to hockey legend Mario Lemieux as well as former Steeler and Republican gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann.

"I was just standing there when I saw this couple walk toward me," one female source said. "I probably wouldn't have noticed it was him but when Sienna saw me, she grabbed his arm tight like a jealous high school girlfriend." Law and the 24-year-old actress grabbed tabloid headlines after Law dumped Miller for his children's nanny.

Miller, who called the Burgh "Shitsburgh" in a recent Rolling Stone article and was tossed out of a South Side bar last week, has been "stomping around and swearing like a truck driver" on set. She was told to pipe down during a shoot with children, sources said. Last week, Miller passed on using a g-string while shooting a love scene, a rarity among actors.

More bad behavior is anticipated next week when Miller will be filmed in an outdoor swimming pool. Weather is expected to be in the 30s.

Spurned, burnt and rebuffed

Sienna Miller bares more than her feelings towards the Burgh.

While Crayola decided to keep burnt sienna in it's colorful little box, the poop-on-Pittsburgh actress Sienna Miller wasn't so lucky.

The actress was booted out of Young's Tavern over the weekend because she didn't have ID. Apparently her Norma Desmond "Don't you know who I am!?" bologna didn't empress the bouncer who bounced the blonde to the curb. It's not the first time Pittsburgh has shown great deference toward Hollywood types. This summer, talk show host Jimmy Kimmel was denied a seat on a Just Ducky tour, though he refrained from throwing a hissy fit.

Wait, that's not all folks.

In exclusive Sienna news (moronic sounding we know), sources say Miller also rebuffed donning a g-string and other coverups during a love scene last week. Usually, actors are not completely in the buff during nude scenes, said the source. "Most of the time they wear either a g-string or something flesh-colored to cover their privates. They prefer it. It's very rare than an actor does this."

Apparently those on set didn't appreciate the actress's raw sanctitude. 'Buff said.

Filming ends Oct. 20.

Will her shenanigans?

A bright future for Brighton Road?

Some bright students hope so.

If you have an inkling of how you’d like Brighton Road to change, tonight you’ll get the opportunity to thrust your brilliance upon a group of smart kids from CMU. Tonight at 8 p.m., at the Pittsburgh Children’s Museum, architecture students from the Urban Laboratory of Carnegie Mellon University will listen to your pipedreams, er, big ideas. And it don’t cost nothin’.

About the project:

The 5th year undergraduate "Urban Lab" studio is composed of four architectural studios this fall semester, which serve to envision urban design strategies through community participation. Two studios are sponsored by the Urban Land Institute and the Urban Redevelopment Authority of Pittsburgh; their visionary projects will focus on sites include the Herron Avenue corridor in the Hill District and Brighton Road corridor on the North Side. Two studios are working in conjunction with the Pittsburgh Children's Museum on their current competition "The Charm Bracelet Project;" their visionary projects will focus on North Side Attractions and strengthening the connections between them.

Both projects are hosting their first Community Meeting "Identifying Issues and Setting Objectives tonight. The Herron Avenue studio is meeting in the Hill District at the John Wesley Ame Zion Church at 5pm. The three North Side studios (Brighton Road and Charm Bracelet projects) are hosting a meeting at the Pittsburgh Children's Museum from 6:30-8:00 p.m. Admission is free and open to the public. A second community meeting for all studios will be held the week of October 23rd. 

Dish thanks Asst. Prof. Kelly Hutzell, 5th Year Urban Lab Coordinator, CMU School of Architecture, for the information.

Burgh based web series returns

Pittsburgh comedy reaching cult status.

From Erik Schark:

The first episode of the fourth season of “Something To Be Desired," the only ongoing web-based series set and shot in is now available at their website. New episodes will appear every Monday.

Something To Be Desired," or STBD to its fans – a growing legion currently around 3,000 strong from across the globe – is an ongoing web-based comedy series, essentially a TV show that can only be seen on the internet or when downloaded to a portable video device (iPod, etc). It takes place at the fictitious independent radio station WANT and concerns the lives and loves of a group of twentysomethings trying to figure out just what it is they want.It’s part sitcom, part soap opera, occasionally a little raw, frequently hilarious, and completely addictive.

Pittsburgh is very much a character in the showThe music of area bands like The Rockstar Collective, stoned.com and Kingsfoil has been prominently featured; locally-made products have been featured (Little Earth, Torque Denim, etc.); scenes have been filmed during a concert at The Rex, a FLUX art event and an Art Gallery Crawl; and episodes have highlighted numerous local businesses (and occasionally their owners), including Kiva Han, Oztier Magic, Hot Metal Grille, Eljay’s Used Books, and Altar (formerly Sanctuary), to name just a few.  This year, Affogato, The Mattress Factory, HeadQuarters gallery space and more will be added to the list.

The show has made fans as far away as Australia, where best-selling author Max Barry praised it on his blog as having “bucket-loads of talent”. STBD was just the focus of a feature in the New York-based actors’ magazine Backstage. And cult legend Lloyd Kaufman, president of Troma Films, recently took time out from his book tour to appear in a promo for the upcoming season.

Season 4 kicks off September 4 and all upcoming and previous episodes are available via iTunes, the STBD rss feed, or directly from the “Something To Be Desired” website.

Something To Be Desired” was created in 2003 by Justin Kownacki, a 29 year-old Erie native currently living in Highland Park. He writes, directs and produces every STBD episode on his own, with ample input from the cast. Kownacki holds a degree in Computer Animation from the Art Institute of Pittsburgh.

For additional information, Contact:

Justin Kownacki @ jkownacki@somethingtobedesired.com

Kownacki Productions

Big Ben's travails

What'll happen next to the goateed god of Findlay, Ohio?

Update: Roethlisberger experiences actual football injury.

Ben Roethlisberger's face has been reconstructed out of space-age polymers in the wake of mashing it off some old lady's car.  He is now appendix-less as well. On Sunday he was beaned by a Falcon, resulting in a concussion. We've been doin' a little thinkin' here at Dish regarding what ailment, injury may befall the Steelers' Man-God Under Center.

Here we go:

* Trenchmouth.

* Kordellstewartitis

* The rare condition known as stoat lap.

* The incessant questioning by ignorant fans finally convinces him that he's Jewish. Shaky the Mohel botches bris.

* Trades in fancy street bike for Vespa. Helmetless, he crashes into Soapbox Derby vehicle. Hilarity, and further facial reconstruction, ensues.

* Horrid hand rash caused by Jeff Hartings' poor hygiene.

* Follows Matt Leinart into Paris Hilton, if you knows what we means. Nudge, wink, et cetera.

* Hugs Joey Porter just a wee bit too long.

* "Drinks Like a Champion" on gameday.

* Goes nuts, begins impersonating Brian Jackson.

Further predictions welcome. We laugh to ward off the temptation of mummifying Roethlisberger in bubble wrap and taking all sharp objects out of his home.

<a href="http://www.yardbarker.com/author/new" onclick="window.open('http://www.yardbarker.com/author/new?pUrl=' + (encodeURIComponent('PERMALINK')).replace(/\./g,'%2E')+'&pHead='+(encodeURIComponent('TITLE')).replace(/\./g,'%2E'), 'yardbarker'); return false;"><img style="border: 0; padding: 0 0 0 15; vertical-align: bottom;" src="http://www.yardbarker.com/images/extern/bark_wide.gif"></a>

K-9 cop needs shots

  North Side cop has distemper.

by Michael Vivar

Last Friday, Dish was taking Cora the Love Piggy for a stroll in West Park when we came upon a friend and fellow dog-walker approaching from Sherman Street. “A cop pulled a gun on some dogs!” she yelled. She continued, “It’s that K-9 cop who’s been wandering around the neighborhood. The dogs were off-leash when the cop pulled the gun and yelled, ‘Get those dogs back!’ at the owner.” Dish rushed to the scene (rushed as well as we could while coaxing a tired and thirsty Cora) and, in the parking lot behind Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church, witnessed the cop, while barely able to control his own German Shepard, berating a middle-aged woman who now had her two playful yet well-behaved Shepard mixes on leash. Both the cop and the woman dispersed after a few minutes and the dispensing of two citations.

On Tuesday, while again at West Park, Dish related the story to a woman who is yet another regular at the dog park (we are Legion). She had her own anecdote about K-9 Kop's Kooky Kapers. The day before, while running her dogs on the island in the middle of Lake Elizabeth (in photos), she heard a man’s voice behind her saying, “Those dogs need to be on a leash.” As everyone who walks their dog in the park has had this statement thrown at them at one time or another, she ignored the voice. A few moments later, the voice, more threatening this time, snarled, “Are you deaf? Do you speak English? I told you to get those dogs on a leash!” She turned around and saw the K-9 cop scowling with his canine officer pulling at its halter. Though the island is part of the off-leash area, the woman did not want to provoke the further ire of Johnny Law so she gathered her furry friends and moved along.

Dish specifically, and the Central North Side in general, has been quite impressed by recent actions of the officers at Zone 1. They have been on the ball when it comes to patrolling the neighborhood and quashing petty crime. On the other hand, though I use the K-9 cop as specific example, his behavior is symptomatic of the general attitude of the officers in the area for the past few years. We understand that the job of the police is extremely frustrating and that it may feel as if one is merely sticking fingers in a dam while leaks spring up in numerous other places. They would do well to remember, though, that we also want to help them, and treating us with indifference and/or outright hostility is accomplishes nothing but the fostering of mistrust on all sides.
They are supposed to be a part of the community they protect and should act as such.

We, in turn as a community, will grant them what respect and assistance they earn.

The whodunnit whodunnit

A college newspaper quiz for yunz.

There are three major universities in Pittsburgh; Pitt, Carnegie Mellon and Duquesne. (Memo to Point Park: You're getting there. Think about a name change next. Something with more gravitas. Also, send some of your dancing gals out to intern at the local nekkid lady clubs. Just a suggestion.)

In any event, Dish has always liked colleges (for much beer is consumed at them) and newspapers (working for them has paid for most of Dish's post-college beer) and also holds a strong affinity for police blotters (an easier thing to do when you haven't been in them, allowing a personal-reflection-free chuckle at the misfortune of others). With an eye toward combining these interests, Dish brings you the University Newspaper Police Blotter Quiz. (Don't read too far ahead. The answers are down there.)

Dish has selected items from recent editions of the Pitt News, CMU's The Tartan and Duquesne's Papal Paper (not real name). Your task is to identify which set of miscreant chronicles come from which institution of higher learning. Keep your eyes on your own paper. Proceed.

Mystery Newspaper #1:

9:29 a.m.-A custodial supervisor reported that he saw an unauthorized person in a custodial closet in the Pink Pussycat Lounge. The person was gone before officers arrived. The incident was cleared.

12:15 p.m.-Cooking activities at the Nipsey Russell house activated the fire alarm system. The incident was cleared.

11:31 p.m. - A person turned over a found diploma. The item was placed in recovered property. The incident was cleared.

10:13 p.m. -A staff member in the Shecky Greene Union reported damage to a telephone. The incident was cleared.

Mystery Newspaper #2:

Fire

25 April 2006 at 01:04

University Police responded to a report of the odor of smoke in Phyllis Diller Hall. The police determined the source of the smoke to be room B306. A student was working on a project inside the room. University Police determined that the project did not appear to be interfering with the fire alarm system.

Alcohol Amnesty

26 April 2006 at 22:46

University Police responded to a call for help in Totie Field's House. Upon arrival, police found the individual intoxicated. The police made sure the individual was awake and breathing before giving alcohol amnesty.

Suspicious Person

26 April 2006 at 23:15

A complainant called University Police and said that a suspicious man followed the complainant into Huntz Hall. The complainant said the suspicious person was not doing anything wrong, but did not feel he belonged in the building. The actor was described as an older white male, heavyset, and wearing a baseball hat with a Steelers logo.

Mystery Newspaper #3:

Police Briefs has seen a lot of things. Gruesome things, hilarious things, erotic things. PB thought it has seen it all. It hasn’t. This week marked an unbelievable crime that PB couldn’t fathom. Someone in Towers paid for pizza with counterfeit money. You read that right. Counterfeit cash.

Beyond the questions of where it was procured and in what denominations, PB can’t help but question the intelligence of the perpetrator. Aside from bank tellers, pizza delivery guys handle more cash than just about anyone else. Why not spend the cash somewhere that never gets any business, like a House of Unyielding Psychological Torture or an independent bookstore?

Aside from the exotic crime of phony currency, there was a little excitement elsewhere on campus this week. Two students got involved in a neck-grabbing, kick-you-while-you’re-down brawl in the Joey Bishop Library. The cause of the dispute has not been released, but PB has heard through its reliable sources that the students were arguing about whose brilliant idea it was to give counterfeit money made in the library photocopier to the pizza guy.

Finally, a small amount of marijuana was found in a car on Vickroy street. Unbeknownst to police at the time, the car itself was actually made out of black tar heroin. And counterfeit money. And evil. And WMDs. And Dick Cheney.

ANSWERS:

(1): The University of Pittsburgh, where no item is too small to be committed to print. Frequently features a lively chronicle of Hillman Library's public masturbators.

(2): Carnegie Mellon University. Pretense drips from this blotter. Enjoy your careers on the stage or at some megalithic engineering firm. Leave the newspaper crap to those of us who aren't wanker-y enough to use the European style for writing dates and don't consider middle-aged Steelers fans to be suspicious persons.

(3): Duquesne University. Haven't had a successful basketball team since shortly after James Naismith first hung a peach basket in a Springfield, Mass., gym. However, the snark mixed with the sneering judgement of those whom CMU scribes would term "actors" wins the Good Catholics of the Bluff and Dish's admiration (and an offer to write for us. For free. We could use a college correspondent. Seriously.)

A new kind of film office?

Local film industry heavy hitters propose changes at the Pittsburgh Film Office. Keezer's kiester kaput?

Dish received the following letter, addressed to County Honcho Dan Onorato, Mayor O'Connor, and cc'd to Governor Rendell. It is signed by casting folks, producers, actors, and myriad other film folk. We'll let the thing speak for  itself.

July 24, 2006

The Honorable Dan Onorato, Chief Executive, Allegheny County

County Court House, Grant Street

Pittsburgh, PA 15219

The Honorable Bob O’Connor

Mayor, City of Pittsburgh

City-County Building

Pittsburgh, PA 15219

Dear Mr. Onorato and Mr. O’Connor:

It is with great consideration and a very strong sense of resolve that we, the community of filmmakers and film industry professionals in Western Pennsylvania, call on you to join us in support of a bold new approach to nurturing film production in Western Pennsylvania.

As you can see from the weight and volume of the undersigned, we comprehensively represent the most significant local stakeholders in this matter. But if that were not enough, you will find here endorsements from some of the most powerful interests in Hollywood as well. Collectively, unanimously and with a clear sense of purpose, we call on you to support the creation of a new kind of film office that will represent the best interests of the citizens of Western Pennsylvania. This will most likely require that public money be redirected from the current Film Office and towards our new, comprehensive initiative.

In other words, as we propose a fresh and effective direction for this economic development program, we simultaneously state our complete and total lack of confidence in the Pittsburgh Film Office to fulfill its mission and its purpose. It lacks any ability whatsoever to represent the best interests of the citizens in this region.

We ask that you support us locally, and in the Governor’s office, so that our positive call for a new and effective organization can be supported with public funding to accomplish that which is now hardly being accomplished at all. There are a number of qualified non-profits in place that stand by ready to house this new program, a program that will clearly serve a broader set of interests and return more money to this region.

We also propose a more representative governance structure and an organization that not only courts the business of Hollywood, but proactively nurtures the local, indigenous film community that already exists, so that they are not forever dependent on the vain whims of outside interests.

The film industry is speaking out with a single voice to ask that public support be redirected to a new entity that better serves the community, the field, and the international reputation of Western Pennsylvania. Respectfully, we call on you to join us in our endeavor.

Sincerely,

Charlie Byrnes, International Representative, Teamsters

Eric Gold, Producer, Manager

Patricia Buckley, Casting Assistant

Robert Buncher, President of IATSE, Local 480

Diane Collins, Costume Designer/Wardrobe Supervisor

David Conrad, Actor, Filmmaker

Bruce Crocker, Missus and Trixie Films

Midian Crosby, Special Effects and Make-up

Laura Davis, Producer/Steeltown Advisor

Kent Edwards, Former Board Member for PFO/Board Member of Pgh Filmmakers

John Haer, Director of AFTRA

Charlie Humphry, Executive Director of Pgh Filmmkaers

Ellen Kander, Co founder Steeltown Entertainment

Ken Kellers, Leadman

Canice Kennedy, Casting Director

Chris Lacey, AFTRA

Amy Lamb, Executive Producer of Lumiere Films

Maxine Lapidus, Executive Producer

Amy Marasalisa, Actor/Producer

Melissa Martin, Missus and Trixie Films

Crispin May, Camera Assistant

Catherine McConnell, Former Board member for PFO

Terri Minsky, Writer/Producer

Eugene Pile, Construction Coordinator

Richard Rauh, Prof. of Film at Point Park College/Actor

Greg Rempel, Writer/Director, Company X Entertainment

Joey Rocket, Graphic Artist/Photographer, Specter Studio

Cameron Romero, President of Batpack Studios/Director

Marty Schiff, Producer/Executive Director

Janet Smith, Producer, Trifocal State Theatre, Center of the Arts

Marlene Speranza, Costumer, CMU Costume Shop

Mamie Kay Stein, Props and Set Dresser and Buyer

William Strickland Jr. , President and CEO of Bidwell, Training Center and Manchester Craftsman’s Guild

Jamie Widdoes, Director

Michael Zinobile, Grip

Andrea Davis, Steeltown Entertainment

Todd Eckert, Director/Producer

Adrienne Wehr, Missus & Trixie Films

Diana Stoughton, IATSE Local 489

Sally Lapiduss, Producer/Writer, Los Angeles

Cc: Governor Rendell

Cc: Governor Rendell

Kids off to camp, parents rejoice

Our youngest correspondent goes into the woods.

In his youth, Mr. Dish assiduously avoided summer camp. The certainty of being on the receiving end of multiple atomic wedgies, a irrational fear of poison ivy, and an overarching need to watch television made trips to the virgin woods unappealing to say the least. Mr. Dish, you may have guessed, was a bit of a Nancy boy.

However, unlike Mr. Dish, the 84 youngsters assembled at Heinz House the morning of June 24 exhibited no fear, eager as they were to embark on trip—carried by the iconic yellow school bus—to a rural area outside Ellwood City and the Sarah Heinz House Camp.

Among the youngsters was Larry Moore (right). The 9-year-old stood on the sidewalk with a suitcase that nearly matched him in size. Master Larry is not a small boy and, according to his grandmother, JoAnn, has a tendency to lose his boxer shorts at camp, hence the ample supply stuffed into the suitcase. Ready for two weeks at camp, Moore stood out among the other boys, laden with their own luggage and, naturally, fishing poles.

Larry, primed as he was to ride “the big water slide” and excited as he was about camping in general and the particular fact that counselor Dan showed up sporting a Mohawk, had another assignment at camp aside from enjoying the great outdoors. He has graciously agreed to write about his experiences for Pittsburgh Dish.

We expect his bulletins from the great north woods to be a bit more engaging than, “Hello muddah, hello faddah, here I am, at Camp Granada.” Larry’s much cooler than that.

As the buses were revving up, Larry was raring to go. Jay Jordheim of Etna (left) was running through all the things he anticipated doing, “The waterslide, the tarp in this hill, capture the flag, overnights in the woods, the Fourth of July bonfire …” and Holly Williams of Manchester was trying to persuade her son, Marcus, to use the bathroom. (Not for the expected reason, she wanted to occupy him elsewhere while she hid his birthday presents in his luggage.)

Duffel bags were being tossed into a bus, boys were engaging in fishing rod swordplay, and Larry was thinking about one of his favorite things at the Sarah Heinz House camp: Food.

The camp costs $200 and his counselor says he eats more than that,” said JoAnn with a laugh.

With that, Larry was off. Mr. Dish, now in his mid thirties, is pleased to camp vicariously through Larry and Dish hopes you enjoy reading his missives as much as we expect to.

Gov. gets gay in Pittsburgh, PA

Yay.

by Joel Lawson, contributing from D.C.

Photo by John Beale, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

As a former Pittsburgher trapped inside the beltway, I'm always asked to serve as some sort of mystic, to help read the incredibly bizarre cards that represent my home state's politics. Murtha as the leading anti-war voice? I'm still sorting that one out for people. But years of political work couldn't prepare me to analyze this: the perhaps dangerously heterosexual Gov. Ed Rendell proclaiming his wish for gay marriage someday in the keystone state. While wearing a pride flag in his breast pocket. While handing out beads. At Gay Pride Fest last Saturday. In Pittsburgh. Lynn Swann may be familiar with the fit of a tutu, but I'll take our gruff lovable bulldog of a gov, thank you. While most governors right now are hedging their language, especially if presiding over a state engulfed in a hot potato debate over gay marriage, Rendell's just puttin' it out there. I left the 'burgh for pinker pastures long ago. Who knows, maybe that part of the diaspora will be taken off autopilot some day soon...

Outgayed by Cleveland

New bathhouse conflates getting clean and getting dirty.

by Mike Gillis

OK, I finally stopped laughing.  As a Pittsburgher and Steelers fan, that is.  Who, what, and where whoever does whatever to whomever couldn't concern me less.  I just can't resist this story.  Native Clevelander turns Greyhound depot into the world's biggest gay bath house. That's vision.  Here, we tear down the Greyhound station to build a bus station.  That's boring. Cleveland has got it going on.

Not that it's necessarily all that newsworthy. After all, Cleveland already has the world's best appointed gay bath house, otherwise known as the Brown's locker room. And it's been years since the rest of the industrialized world ceded Cleveland's preeminence in giant, flaming urban things like the Cuyahoga River. But the guy who "bought up the block made famous in There's Something About Mary… is planning an 18-man Jacuzzi. You can't make this up.

Charles Fleck is the man behind this venture. As the owner of Flex, a (daisy?) chain of clubs, he has long held that "upscale bath houses are [my] passion." Fleck exclaimed that the heating pump room in the new Cleveland club will be "like something out of Star Wars!" Um, yeah, sure, if Star Wars featured characters like Obi Wanna Comeblowme and Luke Guywatcher and, um, Hand Solo. But you just KNEW C3PO was gay, didn't you?

The club is further described as "48,000 square feet of unfettered opulence -- a blue-tiled funhouse of private cabanas, steamy saunas, food, entertainment, and men. Lots and lots of men. Remember Dom Deloise trying to teach the dancers how to do "The French Mistake" at the end of "Blazing Saddles?"  I'm guessing that will play on a continuous loop throughout the establishment.  Reached for comment, Scott Campbell, a California-based bath house chain president, said "I'm not aware of one larger than that," referring to the proposed club. I'm assuming."

Plans also include a full-service kitchen (tossed salads will be a house specialty) and live music lounge/stage area, which could also be used for church services, further blurring that line between Saturday night and Sunday morning. The Greek Orthodox Diocese of Greater Cleveland has refused comment. Workout facilities will be large enough for a college football team. Workout facilities will be large enough for a college football team. Akron Zips Head Coach J.D. Brookhart indicated no interest, while Jim Tressel of THE Ohio State University cited the team's affiliation with the Columbus Flex franchise. Youngstown State Head Coach Jon Heacock did express some interest, exclaiming, "Oh, my!"

Fleck has encountered numerous difficulties opening clubs elsewhere, but in Cleveland "[h]e doesn't expect much competition." (Must...stop...laughing.)  The rest of the AFC North and most of the American League concur. Development in the area has been very slow, and Fleck hopes his July opening will help spur additional investment in the area. He hopes for bars, restaurants, and even housing in the area.  General Motors is currently negotiating the sale of its Lordstown Assembly Plant to Mazda USA. The plant is expected to be retooled to meet the anticipated explosion in the demand for new Miatas. The Cleveland Planning Commission has several proposals under review, including Hard Cock Cafe, Quaker Tube Steak and Lube, and The Beefcake Factory. City officials are supportive of the venture, with one Councilman predicting that complaints regarding sexual activity will "...fall on deaf ears" as well such things should. One official, requesting anonymity, said "We don't care about sexual orientation or activity, just as long as they don't bring back that Modell cocksucker.

Rumors that Jeff Garcia has offered to return to the Browns as a back-up for no salary remain unconfirmed.

P-G closes D.C. bureau

Starts hipster chick beat.

The P-G scrapped their Washington, D.C., bureau last month to focus its efforts on topics gleaned from myspace.com general interest pages. Today's piece follows on the heels of a story about the popularity of Roller Derby among young women. Insiders speculate that the P-G and other print media are hoping to "trade in its fuddy-duddy briefcase image for one that carries a vintage lunchbox."

A source close to the P-G says that columnist Tim Menees was fired after he agreed to wear a Sleater Kinney t-shirt but "drew the line at being unabashedly myself."

The P-G plans to cover several events this summer including a Suicide Girls audition, a Claire Fisher look-alike contest and a regional Stitch 'n Bitch marathon.

The Iggle gonna git yinz hippie-feedin' ass

Grocery chain turf war expected to be protracted, bloody

Yes, the meats purveyed by the Austin, Texas-based Whole Foods are choice and delicious. Yes, there are many exotic cheeses. The coffee is traded freely (though it costs $56.76/pound). The vegetables are pert, colorful and fresh as Larry King at a stewardess convention. The prepackaged victuals are manifold and diverse.

On the rare occasion Dish has more than two nickels to rub together, Dish will shop at Whole Foods. Dish rarely has two nickels to rub together. Dish is Giant Eagle (or "Iggle") people. Advantage Card and coupons, dears. Dish likes the Iggle even more these days, thanks to this billboard across from Whole Foods, first featured in the Post-Gazette. It is funny because it is true.

(A Mr. Dish aside: During a brief residence in the Whole Foods homeland, Mr. Dish found himself buying a slab of turkey at the Whole Foods mothership. He walked past a cooler full of single bottles of beer. Something familiar glimpsed at him from behind a Red Hook ESB, or some such. That red oval, that long, brown neck. 'Twas Iron City, as it only could have been. There were three 12-ouncers. Mr. Dish, feeling a bit homesick, liberated the beer, took it to the apartment in which he had been crashing for a few months and shared his bounty with Dish's current hockey writer, Ryan Caione. The Iron was served in champagne flutes.)

Next time you head to the Shadyside Whole Foods, though, look for the Iggle billboard ... and don't forget to drive the Volvo wagon with Sierra sticker (the offical car of Whole Foods) and refrain from smoking outdoors. This isn't 'Nam, it's shopping for highly-priced groceries. There are rules.

P.S. Great article on how to shop at Whole Foods here.

P.S.S. Any story about organic market must include this update. Bus service will be altered on Saturday due to a Thomas Merton Center Peace rally. Don't forget to stop at Whole Foods for your $4 apple first. Bus info below:

A Thomas Merton Center rally and march on Saturday, March 18, 2006 will detour several Port Authority buses in Pittsburgh’s East Liberty, Shadyside and Oakland neighborhoods.

The rally, which begins at 11 a.m. at the East Liberty Presbyterian Church, will be followed by a march that will take participants through many busy community streets and conclude at approximately 5 p.m. on Meyran Street in Oakland.

As a result, the following Port Authority bus routes will detoured: 28X Airport Flyer, 54C North Side-Oakland-South Side, 59U Oakland-Century III Mall, 61A East Pittsburgh-Wilkinsburg, 61B Braddock-Swissvale, 61C McKeesport-Homestead, 64A East Liberty-Homestead, 67A Monroeville, 67F Trafford, 71A Negley, 71C Wilkinsburg-East Liberty, 71D Hamilton, 77A Oakmont, 77B Penn Hills, 81B Lincoln, 84A Herron Hill-Oakland, 84A Herron Hill-Oakland, 84B Oakland Loop, 86A East Hills, 86B Frankstown, 89A Garfield Heights, 94A Stanton Heights, 94B Morningside and 500 Highland Park-Bellevue.

Port Authority customers are advised to expect delays in travel times. Those wishing additional information should visit the Port Authority Web site, www.portauthority.org, or contact Port Authority Customer Service at (412) 442-2000 or the TTY number, (412) 231-7007, for the speech and hearing impaired.

North Side neighborhood plagued by landslide

City officials ignore neighbors' pleas for help.

Story and photos by Janet Gunter

On September 17, 2004, Henry Hohmann, a longtime resident in a house on Perrysville Avenue heard a strange sound. He remembers it well, for it was the night filled with the pounding rain of Hurricane Ivan. He went out to see what was happening, and witnessed the hillside sliding onto Perrysville Avenue.

Since then, little has changed for Mr. Hohmann or his neighbors.

In 1986, a condominium project was built on a hillside in Pittsburgh on the North Side's Perry Hilltop. Nearly 20 units, many with breathtaking views of the city, were built above Clayton Avenue. It was a large construction project that built Lookout Point, and the fill created by excavating large amounts of earth was simply pushed over the low side of Clayton Avenue. Over the years the fill sprouted underbrush, scrub trees and attracted birds and squirrels.

According to the Allegheny County Real Estate Web Site a developer bought five parcels of that sparsely wooded hillside in 2000 and paid $1 dollar for each empty plot. Between 2002 and 2003 those parcels, now completely outfitted with townhouses, decks and garages sold for nearly $200,000.

But these fine homes with great views came at the expense of neighbors below.

Many of them were awakened early one weekend morning to the sound of chainsaws. The trees below the townhouses were blocking the townhouse views and the owners above requested that the developer take care of this problem. A crew was hired to "top" the trees. A few weeks later the townhouse owners decided that their view from the top wasn't good enough.

A crew was hired to remediate and for several days heavy equipment moved back and forth across the hillside pushing tree stumps, dirt and boulders around. The old-time neighbors warned them that like many North Side hillsides, this one likely hid natural springs and that disturbing the flow of water could be disastrous. The crew found one source of water flow and routed it via flexible pipe from the hillside onto the street.

The constant stream of water has caused a slippery green slime to form on Perrysville in summer months, and a broad band of dangerous ice during winter.

Large concrete barriers were placed on Perrysville Avenue in an apparent attempt to hold back the hillside. So far, the entire seven feet of both sidewalk and roadway of Perrysville Avenue have been lost to the landslide. Also lost have been sideview mirrors from resident's cars, because of the necessary lane narrowing. The barriers and displaced earth also translate into the loss of on-street parking.

For months the landslide crept further out onto Perrysville Avenue, a busy route for thousands that live in upper North Side neighborhoods and the popular 11D Perrysville bus route.

That was last year.

Recently, the weight of the sliding earth caused Equitable Gas to question the gas line that feeds the five houses below the townhouse development. A possible bow in the underground line forced the gas company to temporarily shut off service to one home, and forced all five homeowners to move their gas meters to the opposite side of their houses, all at the homeowner's expense. The gas company equipment caused residents to park their cars blocks from their homes.

So far, city officials have had no response to this dilemma. Mr. Hohmann has made frequent calls to both the past and present Mayors' offices with no reply. He's also made calls to his North Side City Council representatives, both Tonya Payne and Luke Ravenstahl, with no response.

North Side theater to be restored

Grant money will revive Hazlett.

Story and photos by Janet Gunter

A very “Big Check” presentation took place in the lobby of the New Hazlett Theater on Friday, March 3rd, where State Representatives Jake Wheatley and Don Walko handed over a $1 million grant towards the efforts of restoring and renovating the historic theater.

The theater, originally built in 1889 as the Music Hall portion of the Carnegie Free Library, was officially renamed the Hazlett after the president of the A.W. Mellon Educational and Charitable Trust. With funding from the Trust and under Ted Hazlett's leadership, the North Side's Carnegie Music Hall was renovated as a theater and reopened as the original home of the Pittsburgh Public Theater in 1975. The PublicTheater moved downtown to the O'Reilly Theater in 1999. Since 2000, the Hazlett has occasionally been rented from the City by several performing arts organizations including the Pittsburgh New Music Ensemble, New Horizons Theater, Unseam’d Shakespeare Company, Prime Stage and Chatham Baroque.

Friday’s presentation brought out some of those most able to support art in Pittsburgh: Mayor Bob O’Connor and County Chief Executive Dan Onorato. Dan Onorato reminded the Mayor that now that he’s Mayor, he “doesn’t need a passport to came to the North Side.” This prompted the Mayor to remind the crowd that he has owned a business not far from The Hazlett and is very familiar with the area.

Representative Jake Wheatley expressed gratitude for all the hard work that Sara Radelet, The Hazlett’s new Executive Director, has put into making The Hazlett renovations a success.

Representative Walko said, “It’s extremely important to support the arts community in our neighborhoods. This new venue will be a vital cog on the greater campus of the North Side.”

The Hazlett Board of Directors include members of several arts organizations, including Attack Theatre, the Children’s Museum, the Andy Warhol Museum, Manchester Craftsmen’s Guild, PrimeStage Theater, Carnegie Museums of Pittsburgh, as well as representatives from the City and residents of the North Side.

When it opens this fall the new theater, designed by EDGE Studio, will boast a thrust stage, flexible seating risers, total possible seating of 450 and loading and rehearsal facilities.

We all look forward to this new addition to the North Side.

Photos: The Former North Side Carnegie Music Hall, now a reborn Hazlett Theater; Allegheny County Chief Executive Officer Dan Onorato, Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O'Connor, State Representative Jake Wheatley, New Hazlett Theater Executive Director Sara Radelet and State Representative Don Walko; State Representative Jake Wheatley and Executive Director Sara Radelet

Big Media sez/Whatever The Heck Dish Is sez

The Post-Gazette wants Pennsylvanians to butt out. Dish sez: Thank you P-G, for your editorial tsk-tsk will rid the state of us dirtbags.

by Colleen Van Tassell

BM sez:

Ages-old tradition met head-on with public health this month in Britain's Parliament and, we are happy to say, the drive for clean air prevailed. A total smoking ban in public places was adopted for England, probably beginning next year.

The ban -- notable in a country where pubs became the cultural locus for lighting up while having a drink -- is more evidence that sensible anti-smoking laws are gaining because the vast majority of the people want them.

The action should encourage those Pennsylvanians who want stricter smoking bans that they are far from alone in demanding to exercise their right not to have tobacco smoke blown in their faces in public. Indeed, nonsmokers are part of a growing majority yearning to breathe free wherever they are, in the United States or around the world. ...

Here at home, smokers are now being required to pay a price for indulging in their deadly habit.

A number of major businesses are adding $25 to $50 a month to the cost of health insurance for employees who smoke. This is a long overdue measure which we have little doubt will become widespread. Nonsmokers should not have to, in effect, subsidize insurance costs for those who choose to endanger their health.

Those costs are enormous, and growing. The Centers for Disease Control estimates the direct health-care cost of smoking in the U.S. is $75 billion a year, plus $92 billion in lost wages annually when workers die prematurely from smoking.

Polls show that 70 percent of the public welcomes the new smoking ban in England, where the number of smokers has been cut in half in the past 30 years.

This is a convincing indication that even the hidebound British tradition of smoky pubs cannot compare with today's growing worldwide desire to be smoke-free.

Dish Sez:

I can't wait. I can't wait for the day my condo board slips a notice under my door telling me I'm no longer allowed to sit at my kitchen table and enjoy a Parliament Light with my coffee because I'm killing my neighbor.

But that's OK. Now that the good state of Pennsylvania is teetering on the brink of banning smoking from the last refuges of public acceptability, bowling alleys and bars, a smoking ban in multi-family units must surely be on the horizon. You won't hear my complaining, or hacking. It will redeem me from my tobacco combusting ways, because I, smoker, am sick of being a dirtbag.

We smokers, every one of us, are society's gypsies, tramps, thieves, thugs, punks, rogues and rats. We kill your kids, give you cancer and stink up your freshly washed hair. We litter sidewalks with our filtered flotsam. We start fights in bars.

We are disgusting. We deserved to be snuffed out.

I don't want to die in shame. I don't want to be buried in Potter's Field with the rest of the smokers.

To quote barfly Barbara Graham on her way to the electric chair: I want to live.

I'm tired of being portrayed as the the killer, the alcoholic, the sexaholic, the gambler, the hard luck or the dopey blue-collar fork lift operator at the neighborhood bar.

We either have low class or no class. The stalker, the streetwalker and the single mother always drag on a fag. They are bad people. I don't want to be bad.

Please, please tell me not to smoke. I want to have class.

Responsible though I try to be, I know I can't contain my smoke. The two air purifiers in my condominium aren't good enough. I don't smoke in restaurants. I don't smoke around kids. But that isn't quite safe enough.

There are no good smokers, only non-smokers.

Therefore, I'm ready to learn from those who know better, who will save me from myself and others from me.

I trust the Republicans--the smaller-government, less-interference-in-individual lives folks--who have eschewed their ballyhoo and only heed the needs of the cashmere set, not dirtbags like me.

It's best, really. For rich people are better educated. The better educated don't smoke. Or if they did, it was a phase, like experimental collegiate lesbianism.

Also tamping out my evil ways--praise be--are liberals whose solar power, bikes and meat-free colons are so exemplary, fellow earthlings, that I should kill myself before the tobacco does. I realize now that my purifier filters are not recyclable. I'm creating needless trash, therefore I am needless trash.

How could I have been so foolish all these years? How could I cling to the romantic notion that numbers are not scribbled on matchbook covers anymore, they are keyed into cell phones?

Was I preferring pack-a-day passages on TCM when I should've be listening to no smoking messages from the Ad Council?

The romance is gone, all of it. I shall avert my eyes from Robert Mitchum, Humphrey Bogart, Barbara Stanwyck and any Hollywood star who smoked. What did they know? Most of them died of cancer anyway.

My cession is beneficial to all. But especially to me. I will finally fit in with the good, decent, healthy people of Pennsylvania.

I will no longer poison the offended bartender who chose to work in an environment of vice. The vice is gone.

Thank you all for making me different, just like everybody else.

North Side no longer caffeine free, grouchy

Long-awaited coffeehouse opens tomorrow.

Lines of jittery residents are expected to form outside Beleza Community Coffeehouse (1501 Buena Vista St., North Side) hours before their 8 p.m. opening tomorrow night (UPDATE: Actually, it opened at 8 a.m., contrary to what was written in a Beleza email forwarded to Dish. Sorry for any confusion). Even if you don't reside on the North Side of Pittsburgh, imagine not having a take-out coffee/breakfast joint for miles. It's uncivilized.

But no more. The little peacenik coffee shop, located on the corner of Buena Vista and Jacksonia street in the Mexican Streets neighborhood, will offer Peace Coffee, Rishi Tea, Jones Soda, Sabio Springs Water and juices. They will also serve goodies from local bakers, bagels, toast and fresh fruit.

Business hours will be 6 a.m.-5 p.m. M-F; 8 a.m.-8 p.m. on Saturdays; 8a.m.-4 p.m. on Sundays.

North Side residents thank you from the bottom of their empty cups. Welcome.

Pittsburgh's vegetative state revealed

How do we like dem apples? Apparently not very much.

Survey says Pittsburgh's not eating its vegetables

Post-Gazette--February 23, 2006

Get fruits. Get vegetables. Get healthy! But unfortunately most Americans just don't "get it" when it comes to eating right. Del Monte Foods this week announced the results of how people in 10 major cities assess themselves and the "state of their plate," and while some gave themselves a passing grade, the bad news is that most Americans -- including Pittsburghers -- admit they aren't getting their recommended 4 1/2 cups of fruits and vegetables daily and don't have a clue when it comes to understanding the new Dietary Guidelines for Americans.

Revealing the good, the bad and the unhealthy, the Del Monte survey found that a startling 10 percent of Americans are eating the recommended servings of fruits (photo left) and vegetables daily. Only 41 percent of the population is aware of the new Dietary Guidelines -- residents of Los Angeles (47 percent) had the greatest awareness, compared to Atlanta (32 percent) who had the least awareness. In addition, more than half of Americans (58 percent) are stocking canned fruits in their pantries, while two-thirds are stocking canned vegetables. Rice/pasta is the most frequently stocked item (79 percent).

The survey did additional research in 10 major cities with 1,000 survey participants to see how people thought they scored when it came to healthy eating.

West Coast cities Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle can hold their heads high and give themselves "A" grades for healthy eating.

The Mile-High city also is proud, as Denver received an "A" grade as well. The survey revealed that residents of Los Angeles say they eat the most fruits and vegetables with 4.13 servings a day, followed closely by the San Francisco Bay Area with 4.12 servings. (A serving equals 1/2 cup.)

The self-evaluation revealed that Pittsburgh, Charlotte and Dallas/Fort Worth have lower self-esteem when it comes to healthy eating, and gave themselves an underwhelming "D" grade.

Dallas/Fort Worth residents say they eat only 3.40 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, placing them second to last ahead of Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh residents admit they eat only 3.12 servings of fruits and vegetables a day -- placing them last among the 10 major cities surveyed.

Vegetarian bus photo here.

The New Face of Straub

Dan Straub hopes his new logo will link a new generation to his century old beer.

Logo changes reflect retail trends, corporate culture and shifts in public perception. Consumers have witnessed Betty Crocker emerge from the beauty shop and rejoiced in Aunt Jemima's liberation. They've watched the NBC peacock molt and swallowed KFC's brevity.

Those changes seem far less intimate as the one Straub Brewing Company unveiled last month.

The 134 year-old brewery based in St. Marys, PA decided they wanted to attract younger beer drinkers to their salt- and preservative-free ales, so two years ago they turned to Mirage Advertising in Monroeville for advice on how bridge that gap--visually.

Mirage's Creative Director David Porter and Account Executive Jim Balog set out to put a fresh face on the "Honestly Fresh" ale, a beer that hadn't seen change--in taste or technique--in decades.

"It's still a family-owned company," says Porter, "so the changes had to go through many committees. It was a big decision for them to do this."

The letter S was the catalyst, says Porter. He says the current one resembled a musical clef." Ironically the new "S" is based on lettering used on an older label, says Porter.

But it wasn't just about changing the first letter. Porter says that months of market research went into the letters that followed-- most importantly the age of their target market. "It's a rare opportunity to get to do something like this," says Porter. "This is an old family business and as such change i