Pittsburgh Dish

Inscrutable Metaphor Scruted: Or, the Parsing of the Absurd

A developer's (wet) dream.

On Oct. 21, the Pittsburgh Business Times reported the same thing that just about everyone else has: American Eagle Outfitters is setting up its corporate headquarters at SouthSide Works, in what’s called the Quantum II (Has it a flux capacitor?) building.

That’s swell. The clothing hawker will not only occupy the 186,000-square-foot edifice (Hey, isn’t the speed of light 186,000-miles-per second? Coincidence? Perhaps it does have a flux capacitor.), the Amiggle will also build a new structure next door. Hooray for development!

So, there you have that. Then, here comes the odd part, the PBT quotes a developer named Damian Soffer, who apparently had something to do with bringing Amiggle in from the suburbs. Addressing a crowd of Amiggle employees, Soffer is quoted as saying, “I just got the Pamela Anderson of companies to move to Pittsburgh. You’re my dream date.”

Here, Dish is bewildered and reduced to asking the following questions:

1) Amiggles corporate dirty pillows … bigger than, say, GM’s?
2) Is Soffer really man enough to date the hundreds who work at Amiggle HQ?
3) Is Tommy Lee at all upset about this situation, or has the pain subsided?
4) Were Mr. Dish not married, would Amiggle consider going out for a beer or something?
5) Did Mr. Soffer really aim for Victoria's Secret and uttered a Freudian slip?
6) Could Soffer do something about bringing the Julianne Moore of companies to Pittsburgh? Mr. Dish would like that very much, thank you.

Top photo swiped from Rick Santorum's website (Do you really want the address? Didn't think so.). Soffer is the guy with the mustache. Not pictured: Pam Anderson or her development.

Happy Boss's Day Pittsburgh

The Day of the Boss is nigh. Sunday in fact. Yes, the day set aside to honor the person who gets paid more than you, who gets more vacation time than you, seems accountable to no one and will absolutely not stop fondling your buttocks when you're just trying to get them damn TPS reports done.

By Joe Miksch, Jody DiPerna, Ryan Caione, Colleen Van Tassell

But what to get the guy or gal whose blazing mediocrity put them in charge of your accounts payable department? We don't know, either. However, Dish staffers and chums thought a bit about those in charge, particularly those in charge of Pittsburgh institutions, and what they merit for their year's worth of making sure you're not actually happy at work. Remember, enjoying one's job is like stealing from the company.

The results:

For Kevin McMahon, President of the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust: a game of Monopoly. And a lifetime supply of passes to the Garden Theatre, since they'll never get their hands on that. -J.D.

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For Terrence Orr, artistic director of Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre, a collection of zombie musicians that he wouldn't have to pay. -J.D.

A one-man band or, failing that, a really nice Bose sound system. -J.M.

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For Jamie Dixon, Pitt basketball coach: a recruiting class that includes a player with Chevon Troutman's heart, Chris Taft's height and Brandin Knight's brains. Oh, and a copy of Ben Howland's playbook. -J.D.

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For Pitt athletic director Jeff Long: some boxer shorts filled with 'nads to make some daring hires at the head coaching positions in both the football and basketball programs.

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For Jim Tracy, new manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates: a power-hitting right fielder. -J.D.

A couple of bottles of scotch and some valium. He's going to need it.-R.C.

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For Bill Cowher: season ending injuries to both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. -J.D.

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To William Johnson, CEO of Heinz: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes DVD. -J.M.

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To Alain Belda, ALCOA head: A platinum-handled can crusher. -J.M.

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To the Convention and Visitors' director: Conventions and visitors. -J.M.

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To Mark Roosevelt, Superintendent of Schools: A child, left behind. -J.M.

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For Bishop Donald Weurl: A child's behind, left alone. -J.M.

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For Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato: Regardless of the outcome of this reassessment debacle, a blind eye to the value of Dish HQ. Dish doesn't have a roof, plumbing, heat, floors, walls. The whole thing ain't worth squat, Danno. In fact, the place doesn't even exist. Bother the neighbor about that sort of thing. He'd be glad to pay. -J.M.

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For Chris D'Addario, co-owner of Just Ducky Tours: Anything not duck-related. And a relatively painless consummation of his as-yet-unrequited mancrush on Tom Brady. -J.M.

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To Michael Cohen, co-owner of Just Ducky Tours: Bucca di Beppo gift card. -J.M.

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For Mayor Tom Murphy: The firefighters union. Oh, he got that last election? Ooops. -J.M.

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For Seen editors: A whoopee cushion, a hand buzzer and chattering teeth, for no good reason.-C.V.T.

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For Whirl editors: same as above. -C.V.T.

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For City Paper readers (It's hard, we know, because CP editors follow the alt-weekly 101 rule book): One issue free of stories which include one or more of the following topics: Bike activism; tattoo arists; Yinzer put-downs; Pittsburgh is a cultural void; Food stories that bash a restaurant but end with a phrase similar to "but it's worth the trip" hoping the owner won't get pissed and not advertise; We're smarter than the Post-Gazette; Self-congratulatory rants by white people living in black neighborhoods; a one-name artist who works with metals "exclusively"; Performance art; "Feminist" art; Vegetarians or vegans (subcategory: wiccans, drum circles, Food Not Bombs and belly dancing). -C.V.T.

Photos: Lucky bosses found on Google images. One guy got a bunt cake. He must be a really good boss.