Pittsburgh Dish

Area man launches "boat" in "lake"

North Side Navy one vessel strong

Photos by Frank Kownacki

Click images for larger views

Carrying his hand-crafted boat with the aid of a chum, Kendall Fortney purposely strode toward Lake Elizabeth on the North Side. The homeless turned their heads toward the spectacle.

The flat-bottomed boat, assembled from wood and polyurethane-coated nylon, was placed on the ground by the shallow lake/cesspool/swimming pool/duck and goose habitat.

The fiasco was afoot.

Fortney rolled up his olive drab trousers, revealing pasty calves and a pair of Crocs, and christened the vessel with a very small bottle of champagne. "I dub thee Dirty Bird," he said. Then he took a swig.

The weather was foul for yesterday's launch. A chill was in the air and rain misted around the assembled throng of friends, neighbors, passers by and curious dogs.

The Dirty Bird was placed in Lake Elizabeth. Fortney lowered his frame into the vessel. It tipped slightly and he was moistened. Chastened by the setback, yet unbowed, Fortney again attempted to mount the Dirty Bird.

He succeeded.

Shoving off with a short oar, he scraped bottom on the as-yet-not-particularly-full-of-water "lake." With a few more oar-pushes, Fortney escaped the rocky edge and was afloat.

The apparent seaworthyness of the Dirty Bird proven, Fortney's fiancee, Ruth Hodsoll, popped the cork on a regulation-sized bottle of champagne. It was served in Dixie cups. A toast was given and there was much rejoicing.

An observer sagely noted, "If he keeps [the sides of the boat] wedged in his armpits, it doesn't tip over." Fortney later noted he plans to add outriggers to the Dirty Bird, and, perhaps, a sail.

Fortney celebrated his success by noting, "I'm wet and a little bit cold."

A woman approached. She asked, "Is this an Odyssey of the Mind project?"

"No," came the response.

"Oh," she said, turning away.

And thus the North Side Navy was born.

Happy Spring

Illustration by Kendall Fortney