Pittsburgh Dish

Pirates seek change, stink

The odor on the North Side has finally reached the mouths of the players.

by Mark Weimer

Despite living with themselves, many Pirate regulars are only now beginning to smell themselves and their formidable stench. Amid the storm of filth that pollutes the greatest park in baseball, it seems that the Pirates have invented a whole new meaning of “disappointment." While sunlight can hardly breach the clouds of suck, several players see light in personnel changes.

While several veterans have pointed at themselves as possible trade candidates, the Pirates do have 32 men on the roster all of which cannot be overlooked. Although it is unlikely that the Pirates will be able to create a 64-man deal to effectively replace every man on the roster, it is possible that they could acquire cash and perhaps two or three pitching prospects. After all, the Marlins are doing rather well after essentially promoting their roster from the minors in the off-season. They are 22-9 in their last 31 games.

Possibly fed up with being a perennial loser, Jason Bay, somehow leading Soriano in All-Star voting, commented on the Pirates recent foulness. “We need to mix something up, “explained Bay. It is possible that if the Pirates do mix something up and attempt to play inebriated, they could win. Perhaps they can approach the plate relaxed, with a clear mind instead of thinking about how bad they are and how they are a disgrace to baseball.

“I only hit one home run out of the park when I was young, and it was my only plate appearance when I was drunk,” explained a Cranberry man. “Maybe they just need to get hammered… it couldn’t hurt.” The Pirates should part ways with several veterans including Jeromy Burnitz and Joe Randa. While their acquisitions were valuable for ticket sales, both players have exhausted their value, abilities, and careers. They should not step on the field again.

The Pirates need to change up the order. Let's use sense as opposed to short term fixes:

1. Freddy Sanchez. He is batting .351, .388 On-Base Percentage and hits doubles like it is his job. He deserves the extra at-bats.

2. Sean Casey. Bats .300 perennially, finds ways to get on base and bats left.

3. Jason Bay. ‘Nuff said.

4. Ronnie Paulino. Consistently hitting the ball, give him a shot to drive in some runs.

5. Craig Wilson. I never was a fan, but he is nice to have around with two outs… if the Bucs can make it to the 5 spot in one inning.

6. Jose Castillo. A sleeper who has shown tremendous power to the opposite field, but lacks consistency.

7. Jack Wilson. He needs to hit .300 before dreaming of number 2 again.

8. Bautista/McClouth/Gumby.

9. Pitcher.

Among the Pirates many problems is one that is clearly illustrated by this showing. It would look a whole lot better with a proven lead-off man at the top… which has not existed in Pittsburgh really since the moving of Lofton. It would look much better if everybody would move down a spot and make room for somebody that has a good OBP.

In short, the Pirates do need to mix it up and perhaps dump some out. To get out of the rut, stack the top with OBP, and AVG leaders. Something is bound to happen. Until then, lets us remind ourselves that there will be some baseball played in Pittsburgh. Hopefully it will not be limited to the All-Star Game.

You guys need to vote for Sanchez. He is worth a damn.

Things looking up for Bucs

Maybe they'll win more than they lose this year?

by Mark Weimer

Unless the Pirates can lock up Zack Duck and he turns out to be the real deal, Burnett lands himself in the rotation and wins 20-plus games, Oliver Perez wins 20 games, not to mention Gonzalez's ability to seal the deal, the Pirates are far from a Cinderella season. However, at long last, the Bucs have made the necessary moves that will give them the economic freedom over the next several seasons, not because of the tight contracts which the organization has inked, but rather the acquisition of the intangible property that puts butts in the seats. Consistency.

While the Pirates have not lacked outright consistency (see consecutive losing seasons mark), the most lacking and depressing aspect of the organization has been its offense. It is very sad when the excitement of a team surrounds one bat, which has been the case since the departure of Jason Kendall. Even two hitters is a sign that your team really has little to look forward two other than improving from pathetic to respectably bad. Last season, yet another losing adventure, there were some offensive flashes that although they were small and never strung together, they were enough to convince Littlefield that it was time to finally pull the trigger.

Dave Littlefield has made the first big move that slightly strays from what he has been doing the last several years. Traditionally, as he has stockpiled pitching talent and while allowing time for that talent to blossom, he would keep people in the seats by signing an offensive player with a name that is old and could only hope for a fluke season. At best, maybe a name that could serve as protection for Bay. That never panned out with Raul Mondesi or his predecessors giving the Pirates poor offense with an occasionally outburst. Enter Sean Casey.

Sean Casey… okay power, .300 hitter and the reason why the Pirates will be over .500 this season and push 90 wins. Last season, the Bucs offense was narcoleptic. Bay showed up everday, along with the glove of Craig Wilson and Castillo (until Jose broke). Casey may be even more consistent than Bay and has a knack for RBIs. Suring up the three and four spots in the order is what the Pirates have not been able to do for some time, let alone surround it with a mix of rising talent and veterans. Burnitz, big swing, less contact… a huge threat in PNC Park. While his most stable skill is striking out, Burnitz is a typical hitter in the five or six spot. He should be able to knock at least 30 dingers playing in Pittsburgh.

Joe Rand will likely follow him at the start of the season, though this depends on what occurs during spring training. If not, I believe there is a dark horse that will probably take his place in the middle of the order. If Randa's bat doesn't exceed expectations, his glove will give the Pirates one of the most dazzling infield in the majors and apart from maybe Burnitz, the Pirates defense should be one of the best. From the 'get go", the Buccos 3-4-5-6 batters will all be an upgrade and what usually looks likes a makeshift lineup year in and year out will be something of solidarity.

The uncertainties in the lineup come in Jack Wilson and Duffy. Duffy looked promising and should lead off, but the Pirates often have had bad luck with position players. Jack Wilson hopefully was not a fluke two years ago hopefully can handle the two spot like he did in front of Kendall. They should handle themselves well enough to bring the middle of the order to bat.

This brings me to the dark horse. The pressure is lifted from the youngsters by the additional veterans and it will benefit no one more than Jose Castillo. His flashes of offensive power last season, I predict, are going to be realized in a much more consistent fashion come April. This is going to be his breakout year and he should jump ahead of Rand in the six spot. He is going to demand a hefty salary when his time comes and was a small, but likely factor in Littlefield's stray to make this season big… hopefully enough to be able to sign him down the road.

Catching is up in the air. Out of Ryan Doumit and Humberto Cota, whoever can bring the most, most often, will find themselves behind the plate.

This brings us to the losers. Craig Wilson. His song is U2's 'Elevation". Other than that, his contribution to the Pirates is depth on the bench. His value may be best put to use on the trade block as there seems to be little room for improvement. Though somewhat versatile as a fielder, Wilson's chance for even pinch hitting are small having Elred on the bench. The fact that Wilson bats right is a further deterrent in lefty-friendly PNC.

The Pirates bring a more mature lineup to the table this season, and it will pay off with offensive consistency and runs to support a pitching staff that has since become. The only questions marks as of now concern the catcher and who will be in the starting rotation.

The sum?

88-74 record.

We might sound like idiots, but God this was a hoot

Not often can you get 250,000 people to agree on anything.

Photos from our little corners of the Steelers Victory Parade by Colleen Van Tassell and Mark Weimer

   

Share your photos of the parade! E-mail them to editor@pittsburghdish.com. Please include your name and hometown.

Cops audition for Catskills

..but their one-legged jokes fall flat.

by Mark Weimer

In troubled times when police officers are being “let go” everyday against the wishes of themselves and their families, there are those who seem to hold up red flags bearing either a Colts horseshoe or a Nazi swastika which may have been comparable in this town prior to last Sunday.

During a radio talk show on 1020 KDKA Pittsburgh, a caller phoned a show which listens to people's gripes and attempts to go help them solve their ordeal, whether it be getting power turned back on or retrieving an apology from ignorant police officers.

The latter was the case of one caller, who during the last year had been involved in some incredible misfortune. While being in the vicinity of a railroad track, this man narrowly escaped death when a train severed his leg. Though details were not explicit, such misfortune is anything but funny. While in the hospital, an outstanding bill of $14.00 was not paid and shortly after his release from the hospital, city police arrested the man and placed him in jail.

It was here that several officers decided that the man without a leg would be the target of their jokes, ones which only a handful of idiots and perhaps a drunken non-idiot would find funny though everybody in the world can be each at some point. Hopefully the officers were in rare form, but there jokes and prods were juvenile.

Such officers also carry gun, which can be used to kill people.

Three memorable statements were made that are recalled from the radio interview, the first of which was something like “we don’t need shackles for this one, he’s not running." Another was something in the vicinity of “he’s only got one leg to stand on.” I don’t think any of these can top the choral singing of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad," which the victim of the accident claimed was one of several insults. Though the stump where his leg once resided was grabbed causing intense pain, the man said that it may have been accidental.

Policemen are not known for their social skills or their intelligence quotient and strangely the ramifications of their stupidity.

Though seemingly the police officers enjoyed their torment of this individual, I believe they have just thrown themselves into the elections where the winners are either fired or laid off. Not only would it improve the not-so-great image of the police, but it could also help offset the acquisition of tricycles, which although initially dubbed a poor investment by myself, now believe otherwise. I saw firsthand after viewing the Phantom of the Opera a pair of policemen on their trikes. I think the $8000 required to bring these two vehicles about was worth it, simply due to the “coolness” they exhibited. They rode like kings, and surely with such a presentation, had the right to verbally molest and harass disabled individuals. The only thing that could bring them higher is if they all grew red beards, mastered the roundhouse kick, and renamed all of themselves Chuck Norris.

While the caller refuses to make a lawsuit of the issue, which was the norm twenty years ago, he may soon learn that the wanted apology and admittance that what he claimed took place occurred may only be possible through a lawsuit. There is a tendency of people to not admit their faults, especially those like the police and OJ.

While demonstrating poor conduct, the lack of complexion in their comments is a further testament to their stupidity. One with a half a brain would have made a remark featuring future employment at IHOP.

The deputy’s department was already dealing with the issue when the KDKA van arrived, which is a clear indication that somebody isn’t stupid.

Best of luck to the caller and his hope of getting his apology, but you may want to call the hundreds of drooling lawyers in the metropolitan area. Maybe an apology and admittance could be the settlement or a part of it.

Happy Birthday Jesus, from Duquesne Light

Heathercroft Drive in Cranberry Township; where one man’s joy is the neighborhood’s hate.

by Mark Weimer

Though Christmas cheer is often demonstrated through lawn decorations, there are those who go above and beyond what is necessary to express their limitless joy for the impending anniversary of the birth of Christ. Though sometimes referred to as pricks, or jerks, many appreciate the festive manner in which these special people bring the joy of Christ to life using polar bears, Snoopy, and penguins.

There is no evidence of any such animal or fictional character present during birth of Christ, though that also holds true for the existence of his father, God.

Regardless, the 25,000 lights that supposed light the Griswold home in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is challenged by a Cranberry Township Resident, who has lights is almost every visible spot on the home, including the basketball net. The front lawn is occupied by the army of Christ, highlighted by an inflatable penguin on an igloo (which is a geographic controversy), inflatable snowmen, an inflatable polar bear (polar bears do not live with in the same hemisphere as penguins, save zoos), Snoopy on his doghouse (also inflatable), and six deer (not eight). Among these larger decorations are smaller characters and there appear to be multiple Santas on the premises.

“What a jerk,” explained a neighbor. “What would my kids think about me when that crap is pulled? And can anybody sleep that lives around him? What a prick. And look, the only thing that has anything to do with Christ is that star above the house.” When asked about the basketball net, the neighbor cursed then stated, “I like Snoopy though. That’s cool.”

Sleeping bear evicted for non-payment of rent

According to the Post-Gazette today, an enormous hibernating black bear was removed from under a porch in Effort, Pennsylvania. It took much effort to remove him.

by Mark Weimer, Bear Correspondent

After having been discovered by two fanatic children, the game commission promptly shot the bear with tranquilizer and moved it to state game lands, which unfortunately are not contained with electrical fencing and razor wire.

Under the porch, a common place of depression for dogs on their last leg, seemed to be the perfect place for a bear, an indigenous animal to central Pennsylvania, for take a winter nap. Unfortunately this forest staple seemed ignorant of human dominion over the earth and was not aware of the ramifications of his actions. Apparently this diminutive species of animal believed the place for the bear was the “wilderness,” a word created by humans to separate themselves from the madness of nature.

Education, believed to be the cure for all human problems, is offered to select animals and not usually American black bears.

Although being shot with a dart, an unpopular form of being awoken, the ursus americanus was very docile as the debilitating poisons coursed his veins. “He just picked his head up. He didn’t bother us at all,” explained the state Game Commission spokesman. The bear, surely feeling the effects of the tranquilizer, was most likely in great fear during his relocation, though this was not his/her first time under a porch. Two winters before, the same bear had to be removed from beneath a porch a few miles away.

Though there are no interspecies supremacy laws, it is now clear to bears that humans reserve the right to eminent domain and have the power to evict animals and destroy their homes. Bears, should they receive an education could possibly file lawsuit on grounds similar to the American Colonists (“Legislation without representation”), but there is no evidence to suggest that bears have rights or are even a political entity.

Currently, the bear resides in the wilderness and as far as humans care, is happy. It had nothing to say that was understandable by the human ear but we can only imagine that it was thankful for the friendly homo sapiens removal of himself from his annual sleep and that he can only hope that other bears trying to sleep in what was formerly their home can be evicted with the care and numbing effects that he was afforded.

Pen-ding generation

The former tagline of the Pittsburgh Penguins, “The X Generation” suddenly rings true.

by Mark Weimer

Although the future of the Penguins as a franchise is bright, its continuance in Pittsburgh and the aging of its signed stars may not last the lifespan of a fluorescent light bulb.

Perhaps it is because of my fantastical addiction to Pittsburgh sports, but I doubt that I am the only one from this town who has noticed the transition of the NHL. The NHL of old, in which surely the bolstered roster of the Penguins would thrive, has become a lot younger a lot faster. Speed and quickness are the names of the game, and it is no surprise that players like rookie Crosby and second year player Eric Staal are putting up big numbers.

With such a change in the pace of the game, God of Offense Mario Lemieux looks even slower and the open offensive scheme employed by the Penguins for years seems to give no advantage whatsoever. In the last several games, my heart sank as Lemieux, inarguably the best athlete to ever play in Pittsburgh, did not seem to accelerate beyond a leisurely pace when breaking across the blue-line. Even his stick handling seemed slowed. Perhaps it is age, but perhaps it is acknowledgment. I’m sure he knows that he is not the future of the Penguins as a player, and that he must make his own transition. Let’s hope his recent funk the last few games dies out with the stomach virus he has been fighting during that time and that his upcoming absence from the Philly gives him some needed rest.

Let’s just hope the slightly younger offensive studs, like Gonchar and Palffy, become standouts and put up numbers which one might expect.

With a couple puzzle pieces, the Penguins will shine in the city of Pitttsburgh. Lemieux Group L.P. licensed slots would help and surely a kid named Malkin, who currently tears up the Russian Super League. Alexei Morozov is two points shy of Malkin’s 22 and the NHL may actually be suitable to Morozov’s need for space. He will probably never dress for Pittsburgh again.

For now, let’s just hope that Lemieux’s love for this town passes down to the kid and that there will be a team in this town on which the kid can play. Well, and hope that Thibault’s emergence from an injury induced coma and the Penguins improved defense is for real.

One Buck Equals Thousand Bucks

Nine hours following a collision on Route 19, a Zelienople mechanic verified that the cost of knocking a buck into its next lifetime would cost roughly $1000 should used parts be available. It is one of many deer that flew victim to poor decision-making.

by Mark Weimer

The event in question occurred just before midnight on Nov. 8 along a major commercial strip in Cranberry Township. The driver of the vehicle, a male in his early twenties, had made the trip from his girlfriend’s home hundreds of times before and had no idea how bad his normal routine would go.

“I was so pissed,” explained the driver. “I have been driving for six years and I never even put a dent in any vehicle. That buck came running out from between two cars in a parking lot! Where was it coming from!? There is only about one acre of habitable space between Route 19 and 79. The rest are small taverns and a trailer park!” The driver, an unemployed freelance writer, does not have collision insurance or $1000.

According to the driver, in a vehicle induced panic, the deer decided it was best to leave the security of the small tavern parking lot and to take his chances charging a car, which turned out to be a 1990 Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais. The vehicle was traveling at 50 mph due to a common speed trap. Because the car was the only vehicle on the road at the time, the driver has suggested intent, claiming that even an act of complete stupidity could not yield such effective results.

“That deer was plotting… like the terrorists. I was lucky to get away with just a thousand dollars! I was really enjoying Counting Crows’ Rain King when suddenly the deer just came charging out of nowhere from the right. By the time I slammed the brakes, the front end was already smashed in. I thought the deer went under, but as I cruised along for about twenty feet, I realized I had only bounced at the initial strike. It was only after a few seconds that the deer came splashing down two lanes to my left. I was lucky it didn’t come down on the roof!” Any intent of the deer to come smashing down on the roof was neutralized with the strike, which removed several legs that could have been used to balance the vigilante in trajectory. “The deer underestimated the power of my 3-speed. It could’ve killed me.”

It is not believed that the deer belonged to anyone in the nearby trailer park.

When asked about any lessons learned, the driver just shook his head. “I feel bad about the lost legs and the hair lodged in my hood, but at least it was not a clip. I would really feel bad if the buck was fatally injured and could drag itself to another’s side to die in her hooves… or his hooves. Can they be gay? Oh well, who knows. Other than that, I have never seen a deer fly and regret not having a sun roof. Otherwise, I really could’ve seen it all.”

The magnitude of deer homosexuality is unknown.

The sum total of the accident was a peaked hood, shattered front panel, indented radiator, poorly aimed headlights, a bowed frame, many broken brackets, and a dead buck. “If it would’ve had access to explosives, things could’ve been a lot worse,” noted the driver.

There was no comment from the deer, which surely died a horrible death. “It just stinks anyway you look at it,” concluded the driver. “Who wants to die in a turning lane?”

Arsonist Burns Wrong Structure

According to the Post-Gazette, an arsonist set fire to a playground in Lincoln Place on Monday. The playground equipment, purchased in 1998 for $134,000, was very expensive and not condemned. Of all the structures that need to be burned in the city, this lavish set of playthings was not one of them.

by Mark Weimer

Pittsburgh’s efforts to develop dilapidated could be aided by more strategic fires which target unstable buildings instead of overpriced playthings. Nevertheless, the amateur arsonist’s actions were most likely not intended to be as destructive as building removal, but rather a simple Halloween prank. Needless to say, his or her services would be politically appreciated in several areas on the North Side, give recent developments concerning eminent domain.

The assistant director of the city’s Department of Public Works noted that clearly an agent was used to set fire to the structure, as a match simply was not capable of the feat. Although not explicitly noted, it is believed that combustion was involved in addition to fuel and a match or lighter.

No comments were made concerning why playground equipment is as expensive as a house though lacking electricity, usually plumbing, phones, and other expensive services. The Department of Public Works expects the playground to be fully functional in the spring, when buses will not run and parking garages will be closed.

Not this year Mr. Steinbrenner

As I flipped through the channels last night, I came across some sort of game.

It was a game I have been playing for 16 years, and yet it was on TV. In the end, it turned out to be baseball. It was not MLB, yet… somehow… it was. The last time I checked, the Houston Astros and Chicago White Sox were big league teams… but this was the world series?

WHAT?!

This was not suppose to be happening! What were these teams doing in this pro-American, make-us-feel-good “world” series? Where are the Yankees? It was at this point where anger suddenly forced my fist through the wall. I then sat down dazed, imagining the cackles of George Steinbrenner, laughing in the faces of all the small market teams… pointing at two actual baseball teams adding, “See? Money isn’t everything.”

First… the business. Major League Baseball is a game that is deeply routed in its history, which unfortunately favors the rich. Arguments can be made explaining the financial turmoil of lower end teams, but it is “not in the history of the game” to have a salary cap and potentially burdensome profit sharing. As James Earl Jones “orgasmically” preached in Field of Dreams, “…but baseball has marked the time.” It is too bad that this grand history, unchanging staple of baseball in America is what currently keeps fans away.

Combining the payrolls of the Astros ($76,779,000), the White Sox (75,178,000), and our Pirates (38,133,000) falls $18,216,817 short of the Yankees which spent $208,306,817 for its bombers. Boston follows at 123,505,125. Red Sox broke the curse in 2004, but 127.3 million could break a lot of curses.

For the first time in my life, I was indifferent to who was in the World Series. The MLBs power surge, whether it be an honest homer or a chemically induced bomb, has ruined the game. Today money buys power and offense, not talent. Has anybody seen Adam Dunn? His throwing and mobility matches that of a dairy cow. My kid sister has better throwing mechanics. However, because he can hit a baseball 500 feet, he is “better” than players which may offer some excitement on the field. There is no room for players like Ty Cobb or Rickey Henderson in this new power game, which is why for me, baseball barely maintains its position as “sport." It is tough to respect a professional sport that does not require athletes.

It seems the game has changed, mimicking the trend of US social and economic stratification, where the rich get richer and the poor… well, our town knows how it goes. The problem in this country is that not only do the poor get poorer, but a lot more of them seem to appear. Similarly, as the top franchises rake in and pay out, and win more and more games, others teams lose more. And when a team loses and loses and loses, its fans go away and forget about the real game. And who is to blame them? Major League Baseball is not the game people grew to love.

The Majors have taken a game of wit, speed, strength, and balance, and have filled its ranks with juiced giants whose only directive is to smash the ball. Many of the highest paid batters in baseball are unable to bunt with any consistency and yet typical analysts, who care nothing about the game like to quote “he is not being paid to bunt."

Attractive baseball history is the strategy and the city rivalry, where the competitive spirit of one town would put its pride in its ballpark and face off against another. Perhaps the greatest change is the connection of the city to the team. Baseball is no longer about the cities who house the teams. It is no longer present to benefit the lives of those who support and enjoy watching. It is an economic giant and believes that if the fans of Pittsburgh don’t watch, then surely fans in Puerto Rico will. Like crying, there is no loyalty in baseball.

Although I hit myself for not watching the Playoffs or this World Series, it is good to know that Scott Podsednik, the electrifying base running guru who was homerless in the regular season, hit two. Those are the home runs that are entertaining. Like Mazeroski. Clutch.

As for the Buccos, Tracy brings nothing to Pittsburgh. The Pirates are in that vicious cycle and the only way out is winning. It will take a good number of years and fan support to turn this into a winning team, and even that is not for certain because of baseball economics. The best method is simply a large monetary grant.

Enter Mark Cuban.

City cops: A sidecar named desire

City cops balance struggling budget on three wheels.

by Mark Weimer

Despite a struggling economy, Pittsburgh, much like the Bush Administration, seems to always find a way to flush its scarce funds.

According to the Trib, city police who traditionally ride a motorcycle are to receive an upgrade to a tricycle. Estimated cost of the conversion is roughly $4,000 per unit.

There is a multitude of ways in which Pittsburgh has sought to battle its economic insecurity. The city boasts nine “green” buildings, elevating it to the upper echelon of cities with environmentally friendly buildings. Pittsburgh is ranked number 19 by SustainLane, which attempts to encompass quality of life in US cities. It has made strides to alter its traditional industrial image, seeking to attract new companies in more technological fields. Yet in stride with this progress are the small decisions which make one step back, sit down, and express confusion with slightly furrowed brows.

Motorcycles and tricycles are common recreation vehicles in warmer months, when risk of hypothermia is minimal.

Economically, a motorcycle saves on gasoline and a tricycle would follow suit. The primary reason for the conversion cited was that a tricycle has better traction in winter months, which is a somewhat mute point relative to the temperature. There should not be cycles in the winter, whether three wheeled or two, simply because of the icy death that one risks. 65 degrees presents a cold cruise on a bike, let alone the frosty blasts of winter. We also must not forget the tendency of people to lose control of their vehicles… or at least claim too during these months of possible no-traction-regardless-of-how-many-wheels-or-tire-size.

Perhaps it is best for the well-being of Pittsburgh’s dwindling police force that police remain in road yachts during the winter. If one is going to defend the conversion to trikes, please don’t cite winter traction as the primary reason. Such a premise is a red flag for a silly notion.

Vegas on the Mon for Mario

The quest for a new hockey arena in Pittsburgh hit another snag as poorly structured families explained their poorly structured ways.

By Mark Weimer

The most realistic development that could bring a new hockey arena to Pittsburgh is revenue from slot machines which could exist in Pittsburgh by 2007. Despite the promise of increased revenue, some speak out against the plan citing their former spouse’s addictions and idiocy.

According to the Post-Gazette, a meeting was held at the Regional Enterprise Center concerning slot revenue and the finances for a new hockey arena. Two men brought forth ideas, along with a binder containing 26,000 signatures of people who supported the Penguins’ bid for slot revenue. A wide variety of topics were discussed, with the idiots focusing on the devastation of gambling.

One person illustrated the ill effects of gambling, explaining that her ex-husband lost over $50,000. Such loss caused hardships for the family, which seems evident with a divorce. "It blows my mind. How can we destroy lives for money?" she asked. Although nobody responded with such retorts as Operation Iraqi Freedom, outsourcing, or Wal-Mart, it seems clear that gambling was on a different circle of Dante’s hell. Idiotically, this may be true. Nevertheless, in order to justify her presence at the meeting, she added that should gambling exist in Pittsburgh, it should also put revenue towards counseling, college scholarships, grief support, childcare, and other services for loser families.

No blame was placed on the husband, who entered the gambling facility, was checked at the door, walked about for an undisclosed amount of time, and knowingly lost a sum of money.

Another obstacle for a new arena concerns the state of Mellon Arena. Much like a parking lot, frozen pond, street, or driveway, a speaker stated that Mellon Arena was “still adequate” for hockey. Although this statement does not differentiate Mellon Arena from the skating rink and in short articulates nothing, it is not an unpopular opinion. Many idiots believe that Mellon Arena, the oldest, smallest, crappiest arena in the NHL can be the home of a revived Penguin franchise, which struggles to suit fans needs due to its size. The Penguins, despite astronomical ticket sales, are set to lose money this season. To be brief, a new arena would offer more seats, leading to better prices, thus drawing larger crowds to fund a team that has laid the foundations for a hockey dynasty. Leave it to the idiots to destroy hope and promise.

There is no doubt Pittsburgh is in a financial funk. However, at heart Pittsburgh is its culture, its sports teams, its arts, its aesthetics, and its history. Slot machines will be a huge draw to the city and will generate revenue which can be used to improve the other aspects of the city. Atlantic City? Nothing. Everybody, at heart, knows the Penguins need a new arena. There won’t be hockey in Pittsburgh without a new arena, and that will be a greater loss for this town than that which slots can generate.

Despite Rice, Joseph never ceases to amaze

After several thousand years, the artistic story of Joseph still amazes crowds. Maybe it is the amazing lights or it could be the amazing music. Perhaps it is simply because of the word “Amazing” enhances the title. Nevertheless, it is very difficult to find a performance of the musical that doesn’t warrant the adjective.

By Mark Weimer

Joseph lived roughly 3000 years ago… before plastic.

For you thespians, there were only two noticeable mistakes or poorly executed procedures. While the children sang wonderfully to accompany Joseph, one child stifled the uniform swaying by stubbornly going against the grain. Although it is not clear whether the act was intentional, it brought immediate attention and could result in contract work with larger firms, nothing, or the loss of a future in singing/acting. The second unfortunate occurrence was considerable stage noise behind a drop as Joseph sang in front, something easily mastered in Intro to Drama. Regardless, these could not trump the superb production.

Although some of Tim Rice’s lyrics remain questionable, specifically the naming of a myriad of colors all of which surely were not on the coat, nothing can overcome its amazing-ness.

The coat was inanimate and did not play a major role.

The plot remained the same with some clever modern gadgets to obscure any possibility of reality. Understanding the required suspension of reality involved in stage performances, the inclusion of a cell phone simply severed the twine that withheld reality. Nevertheless, AMAZING.

What is also questionable is the role of the coat itself. A gift from his father to basically slap all his other sons in the face, the coat had very little to do with anything. It was not like Harry Potter’s Cloak of invisibility or the Lothlorien Cloak’s from the Lord of the Rings which offered power to its wearer.

Joseph could effectively decipher dreams without the “coat of many colors."

Joseph did very well dreaming of his brothers’ inferiority and explaining it to them, making the coat the last straw. The coat was the catalyst from all of Joseph’s problems. By today’s standards, slavery is a gift to Joseph by his brothers. Perhaps instead of using a cell phone, the play could be slightly attuned to modernity by having Joseph shot in the face by his jealous brothers. Such a play may facilitate modern entertainment and shortened attention spans, though the adjective “amazing” may need to be rescinded.

If you have little to do in the upcoming days and wish to be amazed, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat plays at Heinz Hall Thursday at 8:00 PM, Friday at 2 p.m. and 8 p.m., and Saturday at 1 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. Pittsburgh strongest asset is its cultural district, which is among the tops in the world. If you did not know that, then you should be the first to pay a visit.

Trees added to list of city threats

Reporter Mark Weimer gets to the root cause.

The typical problems of economic disparity, Homewood, Gibson Green, and the New England Patriots are simply not the only forces posed against a gasping city. According to the Post-Gazette, the city forester requested over $250,000 to exorcise roughly 3,100 trees, 198 of which are “dangerous”.

After counting every street tree in the city, a volunteer commission “diagnosed” the conditions of each and listed needs, which tops the health insurance of many downtown residents.

There have been no reports of tree gangs in the Pittsburgh area.

The understood 0 tolerance for tree aggression has been very effective in stopping mischievous tree behavior. Some feel that wiping out 10 percent of Pittsburgh’s trees is excessive, as not only are the trees in question non-violent, but they are also a functional part of nature. Despite these feelings, interest in the necessity and functionality of trees existence was not taken into serious consideration. Another study was brought forward illustrating how areas with more trees have lower human crime rates.

Perhaps the greatest upside of trees is their ability to absorb water, shade areas, filter air, provide oxygen, provide a habitat, and be aesthetically pleasing. In Pittsburgh’s best interest, trees work free of charge.

Due to lack of communication with our leafy symbiotic brothers, the city council has exploited the failure of the Arbor Day beneficiaries to ask for pay.

Although dubbed “a constituency without lobbying power,” it is difficult to place trees in the political spectrum. There have been no legal efforts by trees, but several human-founded organizations attempt to represent such interests.

When questioned about a range of subjects, the trees had no response. One can only hope that killing 3,100 trees is the right course of action, which will surely lower any potential for aggression by our stationary delinquents in nature. The city will seek help from the state in order to kill Pittsburgh’s free laborers. A timetable has not been established.

Photo: A North Side menace.