Pittsburgh Dish

Onions over Pittsburgh

Our Fair City featured in satirical online newsproduct

Dish, sadly, is awash in the work we actually get paid for. Therefore, we ain't got much today (or yesterday). For your reading pleasure, we offer you these Pittsburgh-related items recently published in long-time Dish favorite, The Onion.

Our crappy air.

Our crappy baseball team.

Be amused, Dish commands thee.

Fireplug disloyal

Go ahead, move to Green Bay or Oakland, jerk, see if we care

Photo by Frank Kownaki

In a move that stunned area observers, this fireplug attired itself in green and yellow paint, thereby renouncing its allegiance to the city of Pittsburgh and the municipality’s professional sports teams.

Reached for an interview Friday, the fireplug said, “I’ve never really had that herd mentality. I’ve always been my own fireplug. Hell, I don’t even much like supplying water to firefighters.”

“Growing up here,” the fireplug continued, “I’ve just gotten kind of sick of this whole cult of the Black and Gold thing. I mean, people, get a life. Plus, I’ve always had a soft spot for Brett Favre and I kind of fell in love with the A’s when Charlie Finley owned them. Remember when he had the team using orange baseballs? That was awesome.”

In response, an area dog wearing a Steelers bandana around its neck urinated on the fireplug. The fireplug then wept, as it realized it cannot move and will never see Lambeau Field.

Sh*ttsburgh, my ass

The Places Rated Almanac tells Sienna Miller to suck on it

The 330,000 or so of us in this city should be commended for knowing awesome when we live right smack dab in the middle of it. The kindly individuals at the Places Rated Almanac (formerly a Rand McNally publication) have again ranked Pittsburgh aces among the cities in these United States. (Though there may be some truth to the rumor that had Canadian burgs been included, our fair city would have been edged out by Coyote Scrotum, Saskatchewan.)

In any event, being numero uno in the Places Rated Almanac is pretty groovy. Pittsburgh last hit those high heights in 1985. Fantastic. In recent times, Pittsburgh has also garnered recognition for being green (Utne Reader), for being a place where Baby Boomers get it on in surprisingly high numbers (the manufacturers of Cialis tell us so), and for enjoying Ho-Ho's (this is not a joke, but nevertheless is a fine place to make up your own whore-related funny statement). And, it turns out, Time Magazine has listed Penguins center Sidney Crosby among the candidates for Time Magazine's list of the 100 most influential people in the world, known as the Time 100.

So, celebrate this day. Acquire a giant foam "We're Number One" finger, recycle something, pop a handful of Cialis and make love to a 63-year-old while eating a delicious Hostess snack cake and pondering how young Mr. Crosby guides your life. It's the least you can do.

Iron City introduces bottled water

Water under the bridges goes into bottles

Lawrenceville-based Pittsburgh Brewing Co. will add bottled water to its product arsenal.

New ownership in the form of an investment consortium led by East Liverpool, Ohio, resident Tim Hickman, said that now that the company is able to pay its water bills (something previous owner Joe Piccirilli was unable to do, racking up $2 million in debt to the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Authority) bottling the water responsible for the excellent taste of Iron City Beer, IC Light and other labels seemed a grand way to celebrate the brewery’s liquidity.

The water, called "Clear," should be hitting local grocers by the end of the month. Interestingly, organic foods purveyor Whole Foods has refused to sell the water, despite it's playful new font.

Whole Foods management, based in Austin, Texas, would not elaborate on its refusal.

Steelers announce new logo

Leaning toward the future

Editors note 4/13/07: Sorry. Or, rather, relax. Take a deep breath. This little item was one of Pittsburgh Dish's three April Fools Day pranks. The Rooneys would never do anything like this to Steelers fans. Thanks for popping in, though, and while you're here you might want to check out or Steelers coverage over the past two seasons. Our sports editor, Jody DiPerna, has done an excellent job breaking down the Super Bowl XL season and last year's disappointing 8-8 campaign. Don't forget to look for her return at the beginning of training camp. Read DiPerna's past coverage here.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have announced the first significant uniform change since adding the hypocycloid-rich U.S. Steel logo to the mix decades ago.

The new logo is meant to signify the city’s tendency to lean forward to the future in the wake of the crash of the steel industry.

Team president Arthur Rooney II said, “We thought long and hard about this change, but we are confident that the people of Pittsburgh and members of Steelers nation at large are more than capable of embracing change.”

Rooney said more radical changes were considered. That steel has not been manufactured in the city proper for decades led the team to think about changing the team name entirely. “It was thought that we could recognize Pittsburgh’s advances in medicine or technology. For example, in recognition of organ transplant pioneer Thomas Starzl and the extended diaspora of the region’s population, we though about going with the ‘Pittsburgh Transplanters.’”

Rooney said that thought was briefly given to changing the team colors. “With the city’s dedication to the environment in the form of constructing several ‘green’ buildings, it seemed reasonable to convert to green with blue, for the rivers, used as an accent. Sadly, though, we would have looked like the Seattle Seahawks.”

As regards the logo, Rooney added that, in another change, it will be displayed on both sides of the helmet.

Elephetus makes first appearance

Bears striking resemblance to Howard K. Stern

BREAKING: The first images of one of the Pittsburgh Zoo's pregnant pachyderms' li'l tuskers serve to support the Carnegie Museum of Natural History's dinosaur, Dippy, who says he did not enjoy a night of torrid interspecies loving in the city's east end elephant pen.

Interestingly, though, a close examination of the ultrasound images indicates that the late Anna Nicole Smith's attorney and one of seven claimants to the fatherhood of her newborn-ish daughter may have "gotten a little hay for his donkey" during a surreptitious visit to Pittsburgh.

Dish will continue to give this story the attention it deserves, providing updates as warranted.

Elephants pregnant out of wedlock

Dippy denies paternity rumors

Dippy wasn't going to comment on this story. But when the rumors began swirling, suggesting that Dippy may have been responsible for impregnating Pittsburgh's pachyderms, well, he couldn't help but to respond.

Dippy, it is true, has laid with lions, lambs, stoats, watermelons, and lemurs. He has enjoyed the company of tigers and bears, oh my has he ever. But never, never, never, has he been intimate with an elephant.

Dippy meant what he said and said what he meant, he has not loved an elephant, 100 percent.

Mr. Dish, however, remains a suspect and has refused zoo officials' request for a DNA sample.

Mayor assesses road conditions

Risks life and limb on icy city streets

Breaking news from the Post-Gazette:

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl took a 15-minute ride in a city truck with worker Joe Garrubba, 49, of Beechview, to familiarize himself with what crews were up against in Point Breeze and Squirrel Hill. His assessment, which he shared by cell phone with a radio station audience, was bleak.

"The streets are in bad condition," he said.

Ravenstahl v. Cop

Shocking truth revealed!

So, it seems Mayor Luke (the councilman Luke) got a little tuned up at a Steelers game in 2005 and got into a little tete-a-tete with a representative of the local gendarmes. Frankly, compared to this guy, Luke's conduct, and that of the cop, may have been less then exemplary but at least everyone's trouser snake stayed put. And, furthermore, the guy was 25 and at a Steelers game. Let he without similar sin cast the first stone in this case.

Luke explained himself to the Post-Gazette thusly (Dish translation in bold):

It was at that point that an officer went charging into the crowd, a crowd that included men, women, and children, at which time he was very aggressive and authoritative.

"At which time I, verbally, expressed my objections to the manner in which he was treating the crowd at Heinz Field that evening." Boy, howdy, I was ripped.

"I told him who I was, and I told him I didn't appreciate the way he was treating the fans, and I didn't appreciate the manner in which he represented the city of Pittsburgh," he said. "He expressed back to me that he didn't care for my opinion and didn't care what I had to say. But I didn't back down."Hey, jagoff, stop being such a jagoff, jagoff. Then he told me I was the jagoff, but I'm no jagoff.

"I acknowledged that there was a way that I more properly could have handled talking with him, and he acknowledged that there was probably a way that he could have more adequately handled the situation. We agreed that we were both wrong in some respects, and like men we shook hands." I told Officer Jagoff he was a jagoff and endeavored to strike him in the gonads. I missed. He vigorously beat me about the body and face with his nightstick.

There was no arrest, and no paperwork completed in relation to the incident, he said. "No report was ever issued. Nothing was ever filed."I was on City Council, you think I can't bury a police report? Jagoff.

Mr. Ravenstahl confirmed that he had consumed "some alcoholic beverages" before entering the line, but said he was not intoxicated. He said he used swear words in his interactions with Ofcr. Hoehn, but "at no time did I physically contact the officer."A baker's dozen Coors Lights? Feh! So I called him a poopyhead. I mean, I missed when I went for the nards.

Post-Gazette photo

Mayor, URA announce announcements to be announced

Media swarm outside Garden Theater for announcement.

Photos by Frank Kownacki

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, members of the Urban Redevelopment Authority and Franco "Super Donut" Harris gathered in front of the Masonic Temple near the corner of North Avenue and Federal Street at noon today to officially announce an impending announcement of developers of 11 properties near the Hut du Horny (known to some as the Garden Theater), which might be taken over by the city through eminent domain. The Garden's owners lost a lower court case late last month, but could appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Hizzhonor, the URA and members of the Grant Street Gang, licking their municipal chops at the prospect of seeing the city's pornographic big screen roll up, asked that potential developers come forth to invest in the boarded up block. Franco is the first to invest dough in the blighted area with plans to open a restaurant in a defunct bar at Federal and North.

The URA plans to announce details of the proposals on their website on Jan. 17. Stay tuned for more announcements.