Pittsburgh Dish

Mascot mayhem

Is Ice Burgh next?

On Wednesday, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported that one of the guys who dons the costume of the most hated mascot in sports history, the Pittsburgh Steelers' Steely McBeam, got popped for drunk driving on the
South Side.

And members of the Rooney family hung their heads in shame.

Let's not forget, though, that mascot misbehavior is par for the course in Pittsburgh professional sports history.

In 1985, Kevin Koch, a former Pirate Parrot, was implicated in cocaine dealing during Major League Baseball's drug trials. Koch, it seems, was the conduit by which the ol' Bolivian Marching Powder made its way into the
schnozzes of various and sundry Buccos.

Mr. Dish recalls an early 1980s visit the Parrot made to a Beaver County family restaurant. Now, he can't say for certain that it was Koch in the silly, green feathered suit, but whoever played the Parrot that day drove a
white Corvette.

Not quite a teen, Mr. Dish thought this odd. By 1985, it made plenty of sense.

In 1999, some kid who dressed up like a Pirate and annoyed Buccos fans at Three Rivers Stadium was dismissed from his job after being caught pantsless in the company of a young lady at a local swimming pool.

Reflecting on these mascot missteps, Mr. Dish makes the following predictions:

- After the Penguins win the Stanley Cup this June, Ice Burgh will be caught in flagrante delicto with three prostitutes and two polar bears at the Pittsburgh Zoo. He will also be implicated in a fish-smuggling ring.

- The Pitt Panther? Runs a chop shop in Homewood.

- The Robert Morris Colonial? Serial shoplifter.

- The Scottish Terrier Bill Cosby gave to Carnegie Mellon University? Starred in a 2006 skin flick with Belladonna and Rocco Siffredi.

- The Pirates secondary mascot, Cpt. Jolly Roger? You can probably guess on your own if you have any familiarity with how pirates are said to behave during those long, long months at sea.

Mr. Nutting, give me a new ballcap

Mr. Dish's filthy Pirates lid needs to be replaced and he sure as hell isn't paying for it

This hat is a Pittsburgh Pirates ballcap. It is ancient and venerable, as ballcaps go.

When Mr. Dish was a lad of 17, he went to Enlow's Shoes in Beaver Falls, Pa., and bought this ballcap. It is a fitted cap and it sits rather nicely on Mr. Dish's dome. Mr. Dish was rather excited about obtaining this cap, as the team it represents, the Pittsburgh Pirates, were verging on being rather good.

In fact for three consecutive years after the hat was purchase, the Pirates advanced to the playoffs, in which Barry Bonds sucked rump and the hometown nine failed to advance to the World Series.

(That damned Sid Bream.)

Mr. Dish is now 36. The hat, were it a person, would be a college sophomore. The Pirates, were they an actual Major League Baseball team, would be considered very bad.

Mr. Nutting, look at this horrid thing. The stitching is held together with dried sweat and runoff hair care product. If one would hold it up to light, one would see that it's nearly transparent. The ballcap, Mr. Nutting, kind of smells.

So, Mr. Nutting, what are you going to do about it?

Mr. Dish wouldn't ask, but for the fact that since he returned to Pittsburgh from Connecticut in 2005, he has willingly gone to at least 20 games a year at PNC Park. He even took his dog, Shirley, once. The ASPCA cited him for abuse.

At these games, Mr. Dish drinks overpriced beer and eats overpriced hotdogs, fattening your coffers while he watches the staggering ineptitude of the teams you and your predecessor, Mr. McClatchy, have assembled. He's even been to spring training twice.

He has done this while wearing his rancid Pittsburgh Pirates ballcap.

Frankly, Mr. Nutting, Mr. Dish has invested quite a bit in this team, in terms of money and time, with meager on-field returns. Therefore, he insists that you throw him a bone, make good, be a decent fellow, and buy him a new Pittsburgh Pirates ballcap.

Size 7 1/8 ought to do, Maybe 7 1/4. Send the receipt just in case.

If Mr. Dish has to sit through another season of crapluence, at least he ought to be able to do it with a new ballcap on his benighted head.

Contact Mr. Dish at editor@pittsburghdish.com for mailing instructions. Mr. Dish is also willing to pick up the ballcap in person on opening day. Let him know what works for you.

Piratefest 2008

Hope springs eternal

Mr. Dish became a Pittsburgh Pirates fan since he first became aware of the squad sometime in the mid-1970s. Sadly, in his mid-30s, he remains one today.

So much so, in fact, that he went to the David L. Lawrence Convention Center Saturday to ring in the upcoming season with thousands of other hopeful morons, baseball memorabilia collectors, and vagrants seeking refuge from the cold.

Highlights of the visit included:

* Mocking children as they scaled the climbing wall

* Quietly threatening to kick broadcaster Lanny Frattare in the junk (I'm not your "friend," Lanny)

* Drinking two IC Light pounders

* Mocking adults standing in line for up to two hours to get autographs from four baseball-playing bums

* Winning a Fred Clarke Hall of Fame coin by rolling spongy dice

* Watching Bubba pay for the season ticket package

* Hitting 52 mph on the radar gun (Brother of Mr. Dish peaked out with a 47 mph heater)

* Buying a Buccos knapsack filled with Pirates tchotchkies, including a blanket to be used by Dish Puplisher Shirley the Docile

* Feeling a sense of optimism for the 2008 season not merited by the roster of ballplayers as constituted today

Mr. Dish looks forward to seeing the rest of you suckers on Opening Day.

Illustration by Karl Huber

January 28, 2008 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (8)

September 25, 2007

Pirates hire GM

Dish's semi-cogent yet likely entirely off-base analysis

OK, so Savior-of-Baseball-in-Pittsburgh Kevin McClatchy is out as President/CEO at the end of the season. When the newspaper man bought the Buccos, he knew little of baseball. Nothing much changed there in a decade.

Over the course of McClatchy's tenure, the Nutting family (also newspaperfolk, though from West Virginia rather than California) bought up McClatchy's shares in the hometown nine. The Nuttings, one would assume, know as much about the baseball side of running a baseball team as did McClatchy. (For those keeping core at home, that sum is around zero).

So now we have Nuttings in charge. These Nuttings recently hired a gent named Frank Coonelly to serve as president of the ballclub. He previously worked in Major League Basball's main office. He is said to know a great deal about baseball. He's also said to be very, very good at being cheap, which suits the Nuttings quite well, one supposes.

Then today, the Nuttings, along with Coonelly, announced the hire of Neal Huntington, formerly of the Cleveland Indians. He was heavily involved in selecting players for the Tribe. The Tribe is quite successful (particularly this year and particularly compared to the Pirates). One must conclude, then, that Dish contends that Huntington could have been dropped on his dome repeatedly during the important developmental years and still do the job better than his predecessor, David Littlefield, as Littlefield was only successful in losing players via the Rule 5 draft, signing decrepit free-agents for great sums of money, and trading good players for pennies on the dollar.

It seems, then, that these Nuttings are on to something. They'll still keep the payroll low, to be sure, but in hiring men who have some association with winning, with creatively managing low payroll, and selecting players who do not blow, it seems that there may be cause for something approximating optimism in the years to come.

Or not.

P.S.: Fire Jim Tracy, please.

Illustration by Karl Huber

September 25, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (0)

September 07, 2007

Littlefield canned

Perhaps new Pirates GM will seek to employ actual baseball players

You'll read this everywhere soon enough, but Dish wants to draw attention to this li'l blurb that came across the Post-Gazette's website around 11 this monring:

Pirates fire GM Dave Littlefield

Friday, September 07, 2007

By Dejan Kovacevic, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

The Pirates fired general manager Dave Littlefield this morning.

Littlefield had been in his position since the middle of 2001.

More details in tomorrow's Post-Gazette.

As for that last bit, Dejan, no need. You've already told long-suffering Pirates fans all we need to know.

Thanks, man.

September 7, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (1)

August 16, 2007

Thanks for Nutting

by Karl Huber. Click image for larger view.

August 16, 2007 in Karl Huber, Pirates | Permalink | Comments (1)

August 01, 2007

Sure, the Bucs suck

But, kids, turn that frown upside down

Mr. Dish and Dad of Dish were enjoying their Iron City beers outside PNC Park prior to the onset of another Pirates loss. It was July 31 and the non-waiver trade deadline had passed.

The two men were in deep conversation about the trade of outfielder R. Davis to the San Francisco Giants for veteran starting pitcher M. Morris. Just as they decided Mr. Morris' most prudent course of action was to commit seppuku, the Buccos redoubtable general manager, David Littlefield, passed by.

"Hey, Mr. Littlefield!" Mr. Dish said. "Mr. Littlefield! Great trade."

Littlefield grunted some sort of assent.

Mr. Dish continued: "So now, we're only going to lose 112 games, right, Mr. Littlefield?"

Littlefield did not respond.

Then the game began. Then it ended. The Pirates had lost and they had looked like excrement in the process. The suck continues, unabated.

So, what's a fan to do? The Nuttings aren't going to sell. They aren't going to invest in the team (thanks for the Clemente coin, guys!). The players could not care less. Hopeless, right? Wrong, thanks to Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed.

Let's love them more. Let's perceive the worst as the best. Failure is success. Indifference is commitment. Last is first.

Let us boo hits. Toss back the rare homerun ball launched by the local nine. Applaud the Human Sieve, Ronny Paulino. Pray for tattered ligaments, strained groins. Tommy John surgery is no longer to be dreaded, it is to be celebrated. Fill the ballpark and fatten the Nuttings' wallets.

We will ... love through hate.

This kind of thinking can put one in the mind of the fantasist.

Imagine these implausible, yet delicious, scenarios:

*Jason Bay is traded to the Canadian Football League's British Columbia Lions for three footballs and a 55-yard-line marker.

*In 1899, the National League's Cleveland Spiders went 20-134. Let's best that record. What? You say that the Pirates have already won 42 games and achieving a .130 winning percentage is mathematically impossible? Nonsense. Watch this: Jim Tracy confesses to Bud Selig that he has been injecting his players with horse tranquilizers. Though equine tranqs are not on the MLB banned substances list, the Pirates are still forced to forfeit their meager sum of victories because Tracy also admits that he thought he was giving the team steroids. Voila! The team is 0-104. And what chance do you think they have to win 20 games the rest of the season? Mission Accomplished!

*Fans, enraptured by the Pittsburgh Baseball Club's ineptitude, demand that ownership slash payroll to food stamps and Section 8 housing vouchers in order to ensure the club matches then eclipses 15 consecutive losing seasons, cementing the franchise's place in history as the most consistently horrible entity in the history of American professional sports.

Sadly, though, the spell is eventually broken and Kevin McClatchy is hunted down and slain like a Malayan Tapir for buying the Pirates in 1996, keeping them in town, and subjecting fans to putrid baseball yesterday, today and, almost certainly, for decades to come.

August 1, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (3)

June 28, 2007

Pirates' ownership to ignore protest

Nuttings, McClatchy: Let them eat bobbleheads! Dish: Fine, we're going to dump all the promotional crap you've thrown at us on your doorstep, jerks

A contingent of Buccos fans set to walk out of Saturday's game in protest of the franchise's pernicious ways will be officially ignored by the Pirates' brass, announcers and "media partner," Fox Sports Pittsburgh.

The Post-Gazette's Bob Smizik has the details.

Mr. Dish loves baseball and even has some sort of horrid affection for whatever the Pirates have played since last being competent in 1992. Mr. Dish's dad has season tickets at PNC. In the face of this, well, this slap in the face by the Nuttings and McClatchy, Mr. Dish was tempted to tell pops to not bother inviting him to any more games.

But, the tickets are paid for. Mr. Dish has decided, and hopes the rest of the idiots like him who remain Pirates' fans, that he will continue going to games, but will not buy concessions (including beer. One must sacrifice to make a point) or merchandise until the team's payroll matches or exceeds that of the Milwaukee Brewers, who are based in a city two-thirds the size of Pittsburgh yet spend about $20 million more per year on payroll.

Mr. Dish also pledges to dredge all the free crap the Buccos have doled out over the years from his basement and deposit it in front of the Pirates' offices on Federal Street.

Anyone interested in joining him, can contact Mr. Dish at editor@pittsburghdish.com. Once enough folks declare their interest, we'll pick a date and a time and inundate these cheapskates with bobbleheads, stadium replicas, hats, T-shirts, coins, pins, eyepatches, etc.

June 28, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (1)

April 03, 2007

Canadian hits longball

Local baseballers undefeated

Taking a break from the moose jockeying that his countrymen are known for, British Columbian Pittsburgh Pirate Jason Bay took a moment in the 10th inning of last night's baseball contest, in which the Houston Astronauts served as the opponent for the home nine, and propelled the hurled spheroid over the structure in left field that separates the playing surface from the seating area in which the Texan fans glumly drooled tobacco juice into their spit cups when they realized their hopes for an undefeated season by their heroes was brutally thrashed against the rocks of it-ain't-gonna-happen. The ballgame was thus concluded with the Buccos triumphant by a tally of 4 to 2.

The Pirates have a mere 161 games to go to secure the first undefeated campaign in the club's 120-plus-year history.

Oddsmakers are not optimistic that this goal is attainable. Houston hurlers Brad Lidge, who earlier gave up a tater to X. Nady to tie the game, and Chad Qualls, who served up The Mighty Canadian's round-tripper, performed a ritual self-immolation to atone for their humiliation. On the 60-day disabled list with a case of extra crispiness, Lidge and Qualls will be replaced by George H.W. Bush and his lovely wife, Larry, who sat behind the home base for the majority of Monday evening's tete-a-tete.

The Pirates, led by Bay, celebrated with the finest meats and cheeses in all the land. They also, reportedly, got rather drunk. The series continues tonight at 8 p.m.

April 3, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (0)

March 27, 2007

By Karl Huber, Dish's new cartoonist

March 27, 2007 in Karl Huber, Pirates | Permalink | Comments (1)

Mr. Dish goes to Spring Training

A tale of bats, balls and beer

Mr. Dish recently returned from Longboat Key, Florida, where he, Dad of Dish, Brother of Dish, and Chum of Dish resided whilst enjoying three Spring Training contests presented by the Pittsburgh Pirates. Just as the Buccos are attempting to round into form as players, the Dish contingent was endeavoring to round into shape as fans.

With this being the case, Mr. Dish has little to report in terms of how the Pirates looked against the Tigers, Red Sox, and Yankees. His observational skills are certainly not up to mid-season snuff. Also, much beer was involved, which may have eroded whatever native ability to observe and recall he might have had.

So, here's the summary: The Pirates beat the Tigers and Yankees. That Dice-K character seems to be an excellent pitcher. LaRoche hit a very long homerun against the wind. Duffy isn't looking too hot. Chacon kinda is. When you run into Kevin McClatchy at a seedy sports bar and he's trying to watch the Pitt/UCLA game, don't try to talk to him. He's not interested in you. There's a charming Pittsburgh sports themed bar called Fan-Attics in a strip mall in Cortez. They have Iron City. And black and gold pool tables with dead rails. Josh Sharpless doesn't care that you, too, grew up in Beaver County and attended Allegheny College. Brad Eldred: Huge. The radar gun on the concourse at the ballpark is for shite. Mr. Dish couldn't throw 97 m.p.h. if you doubled his speediest throw. They sell Iron City at the ballyard. It is tasty. A pack of Camel Lights is less than $3 in the Bradenton area. Mr. Dish bought a carton.

Mr Dish's Typical Day:

Awake at 8-ish. Take cup of coffee to beach (30 second walk), drink coffee, smoke, observe Gulf of Mexico. Repeat until coffee gone.

Return to condo. Consider showering. Dismiss idea. Open beer. Drink beer on patio while reading surprisingly decent local paper. (Didn't know Floridians could read, let alone write. Assume staff from North and paper directed at transplants from said region of country.) Drink another beer. Continue smoking. Shoo odd looking bird from patio.

11 a.m.: Depart for stadium. Get lost, even though been there before and Bradenton is small town. Find ballpark. Park in lot. Enter stadium. Purchase beer. Stroll about and await beginning of contest. Assume seated position in stands. Watch two innings. Go get another beer. This pattern is repeated until starting pitcher leaves game. Spend remainder of contest getting and consuming beer.

4 p.m.: Head back to condo. Drink beer.

6 p.m.: Grill meat on grill with Gulf view.

7 p.m.: Eat meat. Drink beer.

7:30 p.m.: Turn on television. Watch sporting event. Drink beer. Occasionally visit patio to smoke and harass youth cavorting in courtyard.

10 p.m.: Fall asleep on sofa.

March 27, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (0)

March 26, 2007

Spring Training

A budding cyclist on the North Side took her pretty pink bike for a spin in West Park yesterday. Her little friend followed behind on a scooter type thing (Mrs. Dish is old and has no idea what these newfangled contraptions are called) while a dog looked on.

As to training and spring and the like, Mr. Dish just returned from Bradenton, Fla., and will have a full report on the Bucco's pre-season games tomorrow. Betcha can't wait.

March 26, 2007 in North Side, Pirates | Permalink | Comments (0)

March 20, 2007

Ballpark bans butts

Hotdogs now #1 killer at PNC Park

By David Templeton, for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette today:

The only smoking this year inside PNC Park will come via fastballs and hot bats.

Beginning Opening Day, smoking will be prohibited anywhere in the ballpark.

Brian Warecki, the Pirates' senior director of business communications, said Allegheny County's anti-smoking ordinance prompted the ban.

That means elimination of all designated smoking areas, and a complete smoking ban in all clubs inside PNC Park.

Smoking has been banned in the grandstands since the park opened, Mr. Warecki said, and that policy will continue.

He said past practice provided smokers one warning, then ejection from the ballpark if they refuse to quit smoking or are caught a second time. That will continue. "The ultimate reaction is that they will be asked to leave," he said of any smokers inside PNC Park.

The ban has put an end to the Montecristo Club, the cigar and martini bar in the park. That space has been transformed into Club 21, a smoke-free sports bar that will honor Roberto Clemente and feature arcade games and large-screen TVs.

The club will be open to all Pittsburgh Baseball Club, suite and Lexus Club ticket holders for the upcoming season. No club inside PNC Park will permit smoking, Mr. Warecki said.

Allegheny County passed a smoke-free ordinance last year that prohibits smoking inside any businesses or public buildings. The ordinance took effect Jan. 2, but an appeal prompted delay of its implementation inside bars and restaurants until May 1.

"I think some fans will be inconvenienced, but like everywhere else in the county, every business had to make necessary adjustments and that's why we did it," Mr. Warecki said.

He said the team will communicate the no-smoking policy to fans and hand out cards explaining the policy at entrances. Customer service staff has undergone training to make them aware of the new policy and how to implement it in the ballpark.

"Our staff is fully trained how to react to fans," Mr. Warecki said. "Some fans will like it and some won't." ...

March 20, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (1)

January 30, 2007

Piratefest!

Greedy (or perhaps not particularly bright) little kid mocked.

Dish attended Piratefest at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center last weekend. It was awesome. IC Light pounders were a mere $4.75, Lanny was hosting some sort of cooking demonstration. Some woman kept trying to give Mr. Dish a miniature baseball bat. Adam LaRoche, hooray! As we said, awesome.

The finest attraction of them all, though, was the Deal or No Deal game hosted by Greg Brown. Salomon Torres was well-cast in the role of the banker. The game worked in the same manner as the television program, though there were a mere 10 cases rather than 100. Also, there were no models. Prizes ranged from a 20-game season ticket package to a pocket schedule.

So, there's this kid, about 8, who becomes a contestant. He's doing pretty well for himself for a while, but eventually the 20-game package and most of the other good stuff goes bye-bye. Torres the Banker makes the kid an offer: Four club seats to the home opener and a chance to throw out the first pitch.

Mr. Dish would have crapped himself for the opportunity in his pre-pubescent days. In fact, Mr. Dish, now 35, felt a little bowel quiver at the thought of being permitted to hurl the horsehide from PNC Park's pristine mound. The little weasel turns down the offer. He. Turned. It. Down. Mr. Dish, IC Light in hand, briefly considers hurling the half-full aluminum vessel at the tyke.

Perhaps, Mr. Dish thinks, he missed something and there's, like, a chance to sit on Jim Tracey's lap for a game left up there. Jock strap duty in the clubhouse? Maybe this kid knows what he's doing.

(Allow Mr. Dish to preface the conclusion to this tale thusly: Mr. Dish likes Salomon Torres and thinks he'll do a commendable job as closer this year.)

He does not. What does the child walk away with? An autographed Salomon Torres baseball.

A word of advice, kid: Don't hit on 18, regardless of what the dealer has showing; don't play three card Monte; the shell game is not a wise investment strategy; and four club seats to Opening Day, augmented with the opportunity to step out onto a Major League baseball field and actually throw a Major League baseball (which they'll let you keep and you can probably get autographed by any player who crosses your path while you're out there), is marginally more valuable than a freakin' Salomon Torres autographed baseball. (Retail value: $4.67.) Punk.

January 30, 2007 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (0)

September 18, 2006

We came, we saw, we drank

Pittsburgh Pants Party proper.

Photos by Patrick Kent

It was a lovely Saturday evening, the 16th day of September. Forgoing the pleasant weather, a handful of Pittsburgh-area Deadspinners congregated in the dank recesses of 222 Bar a couple hours before gametime. Moonshine Mike, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette scribe Diana Nelson-Jones (both pictured left), a guy in a Clinton Portis t-shirt and Pirates cap, Pat in a "Pittsburgh Baseball: Rebuilding since 1992" t-shirt, That Guy, Jewdago, Sarcastro, Mrs. Sarcastro, a fellow in a Pirates away jersey and Sarcastro's mom and dad braved the depredations of the triple deuce and began to get sauced. Deadspin overlord Will Leitch considered coming as well, but opted to go to Cincinnati to plan for his upcoming wedding and monitor the progress of race relations in the Queen City. His absence was made up for with a photo of Will displayed on a stick. More or less the same thing, right?

Sarcastro's mom was afraid to drink from the tavern's glassware, so she tippled a Smirnoff Ice. Other beers consumed were Iron City, IC Light and Yuengling (all fine Pennsylvania products). Jewdago mostly drank Bud. Sarcastro didn't like that. It seems that it might have been the second inning by the time the Deadspin and friends crew entered majestic PNC park, having remained in the 222 for a round after the first pitch. Priorities.

Inside, the group met Sarcastro family friend Tricia, landed a coveted SRO spot on the left field rotunda and settled in for the contest. And more beer. And cheese fries. And Quick-it Chicken. And pizza. And more beer. A young fellow in a Olerud jersey was asked why he wasn't wearing a batting helmet. Jason Bay was serenaded with O, Canada!

It is agreed that much more happened, but such events are lost in a fog of beer. Word is, the Pirates won 3-2. Hooray! Here are some photos by Patrick Kent.

September 18, 2006 in Beer, Pirates, Seen & Heard, Sports Teams | Permalink | Comments (2)

September 14, 2006

Deadspin Pants Party in Pittsburgh update

Pregame booze event set; most other stuff up in air.

OK, we know this much. Deadspinners shall meet around 5 p.m. Saturday, Sept. 16 at 222 Bar, conveniently located at 222 Federal Street, across and up the way from Spring Hill Suites. Thanks to it being Jack Wilson bobblehead night—and anticipating decent weather—it was impossible to block out a section of seats. The plan is this: To meet at the bar, drink relentlessly, enter PNC and hang about on the rotunda en Deadspinmasse. Drop a note to editor@pittsburghdish.com with any trials, tribulations vexations.

Thanks. And Hooray, bear!

P.S.: If anyone's heading to the Pitt/Michigan State game, let me know. I'll be there as well.

Joe/Sarcastro

September 14, 2006 in Beer, Pirates, Sports Teams | Permalink | Comments (0)

September 05, 2006

Deadspin pants party in Pittsburgh

Drink like a champion while watching the Pirates take on the Mets Saturday, Sept. 16.

Attention Pittsburgh-area Deadspinners (and those who are up for traveling), Sarcastro of Pittsburgh Dish and commenting legend Moonshine Mike cordially invite you to witness the (at this writing) lousiest team in the National League (we're gunning for you, Cubbies) play nine innings of baseball against the Queens nine, who are really rather good (and the favorite team of Sacrastro's wife, native of Beacon, N.Y.).

The game starts at 7:05. A bobblehead will be given away. It's baseball. What's not to like?

As for pregame festivities, options abound. There's one bar called Hi-Tops that features waitresses who like to wave their boobies around. Another's called SoHo, which has nothing in particular to recommend it, aside from beer. There's Finnegan's Wake, which is rather bar-y, large and has many draft beverage options. Let's not forget Ugly, where Sarcasto's dad likes to drink. And last but not least, there's 222, which is supremely dirty, but has cheap beer. Oh, there's a stand outside that sells $3 16-ounce beers as well. And Sarcastro's house, which is a mere 10-minute walk from beautiful PNC Park, is also an option.

As for tickets, they might be a bit harder to come by than usual, with a quality opponent in town and bobbleheads (Jack Wilson, methinks) on offer. If anyone's ordering ahead, maybe the left field bleachers are the best option. UPDATE: IT LOOKS LIKE THE SATURDAY GAME (BLASTED BOBBLHEAD) IS GETTING CLOSE TO SOLD OUT, DECREASING GREATLY THE CHANCES OF US ALL SITTING IN THE SAME SECTION. OPTIONS INCLUDE SCALPERS (AND WATCHING FROM ONE OF THE ROTUNDAS) OR MOVING THE DATE TO FRIDAY NIGHT OR SUNDAY AFTERNOON, WHICH IS THE LESS ATTRACTIVE OPTION IN MY OPINION. SUGGESTIONS WELCOME.

Those interested in firming up plans, asking questions, etc., should write to editor@pittsburghdish.com.

September 5, 2006 in Pirates, Sports Teams | Permalink | Comments (1)

August 30, 2006

Media hounds hounds

Bucs upstaged by barks.

About 200 panting pooches paraded into PNC Park last night for the first-ever “Pup Night at PNC Park” (among them Shirley the Docile, Dish’s delightful doggie) and for every 20 dogs there were at least two weary press photographers wishing something blew up across town.

The “Balls, not another yippy little shit in a Pirates shirt” glaze washed over them shortly after 7:30 p.m., about two- and-a-half hours into the event. Media shutterbugs wandered aimlessly through the swelling crowd on Federal Street—where the event kicked off with pre-game activites at 5 p.m.—hoping to avoid yet another portrait of inappropriate sniffing and indelicate self bathing. Overly tanned blonde women holding little dogs—especially dressed in frilly outfits or stuffed into Paris Hilton-type carriers—stole the media spotlight (and the crown from Shirley in the beauty contest. Yes, Dish entered her in a beauty contest. Gotta problem with that?).

The event was both a fundraiser for Animal Friends (Shirley’s alma mater) and a ploy for Pirates’ marketing team to curry favor with suckers like Dish. Motives aside, Pup Night proved a wagging success and dogs got their doo in the media.

(As for Shirley the Docile: She was spotted on the Jumbotron at around 10:30 by friends seated near the third baseline and Parents of Dish (PODs) spotted her on KDKA).

Photos: (top) Cora watches the Bucs not lose; Jayke, P-G's poster pooch; Shirley and Mr. Dish (hoping his pro-spay/neuter shirt that reads "I'm Fixed How About You?" might win a few votes) vie for the crown

August 30, 2006 in Charity Events, Four Legs, Media, Pirates, Sports Teams | Permalink | Comments (1)

August 11, 2006

Oh crap

They want to take me to a Pirates game.

by Shirley Van Tassell-Miksch

Hello, my name is Shirley. I am a dog and I need your help, as my parents are about to inflict an unimaginable cruelty upon me. See, my dad, Joe—or Mr. Dish, as he likes to call himself in this forum—got an email the other day from the Pittsburgh Pirates announcing that on Tuesday, Aug. 29, the North Side nine is allowing you two-legged-types to bring your pooches to the ballpark. He and my mom, Mrs. Dish—or Colleen—thought it would be a good idea to go to this event ... with me. Now, don't get me wrong, they're not cruel people, but why the hell would they subject me to this crap? Like it's not enough that they make me listen to games on the radio and watch those chumps get pummeled on television? What on earth have I done to deserve this? It's enough to put me off my kibble.

It's not that I don't like sports. I'd be more than happy to catch a Steelers or Pitt football game. Or a CMU fencing club match, even.

I don't think that I can talk them out of this, either. They want to enter me in the pregame canine beauty contest (Christ, let me have my dignity, people) and think it will be oh so swell to watch me mingle with my canine brethren and sisteren whilst the Buccos get treated by the Cubs as I treat a delicious beef bone. On the plus side, $5 of each $20 ticket goes to Animal Friends, the no-kill shelter that used to be in the Strip that moved to somewhere up on Camp Horne Road. That's where I came from and those folks treated me pretty nice. As you can see, I wasn't killed and they taught me to write. Good times.

Honestly, though, why my mom and dad don't just write a check to Animal Friends and let me lay on the sofa the evening of Aug. 29 is beyond me. People, I just don't get 'em.

August 11, 2006 in Charity Events, Four Legs, Pirates, Sports Teams | Permalink | Comments (4)

August 07, 2006

The Jack O Meter

A Pirates trade tirade.

by Jack Miksch

A Post-Gazette columnist's reaction to the trades was that the Pirates stunk before and would stink after the moves were made. I thought these trades would certainly vault the Bucs to the Wild Card by helping them win every game for the rest of the season.

I am fairly sure that all Bucs fans realize that we really made only one significant trade, bringing Xavier Nady on board. Trades can never be evaluated on trade day (or in the weeks that follow). However, shouldn't we at least wait until the player puts on a uniform? Nady appears to be at least OK, and might be better than OK. Chacon, I think he's at least a number three starter. He started the season with the Yankees 4 and 1 and pitched well last year. He's likely an improvement on Kip Wells, at least.

One thing about the rest of the Bucs trades is this: No one can tell what these young pitchers will do in the future. The P-G apparently forgets that GM Dave Littlefield was not dealing from a position of strength. Wells, coming off surgery, was pitching like Wells: A few bad starts, a couple of mediocre ones, and a couple of good ones. At age 29, he may become a 20-game winner or a .500 starter. It is the last year of his contract and the Pirates weren't going to sign him. Do you think the Rangers knew that?

Craig Wilson was also in no danger of being re-signed by the Buccos. He is what he is: A weak defensive player and an average or below average hitter. Yep, I think we should have traded him for the Brewers' Carlos Lee, straight up. What's wrong with the Brewers for passing up that golden opportunity?

Roberto Hernandez—listed at 41, actual age unknown: Maybe we should have traded him to the Phillies for Pat Burrel and Billy Wagner.

Sean Casey—a singles-hitting first baseman with a huge contract. Remember, the Pirates traded Dave Williams for him. Anybody seen Dave lately? Unless you follow the Reds' minor league system, you haven't. It's my opinion that Casey's injuries—a broken back and a bum shoulder —limited his already limited power. There are likely more injury problems down the road for Casey.

So, there you have it. All-in-all, not bad. Remember, as Branch Rickey once told Ralph Kiner during contract talks: "We finished last with you, and we can finish last without you."

An aside. The Jack-o-meter presents the 2007 Pirates starting lineup: Paulino, catcher; Nady, first; Sanchez, second; Wilson, short; Bautista, third; Bay, left; Duffy, center; and Castillo, right.

August 7, 2006 in Pirates, Sports Teams, The Jack-O-Meter | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 11, 2006

Pittsburgh has balls

All Star Game draws thousands to city. Watch where you step.

The military jet flyover scared the bejeebus out of Mrs. Dish as she and the mister awaited the bus that would drop them downtown, allowing for a casual walk across the Clemente Bridge toward the damn handsomest joint in the big leagues. Sans tickets, but armed with beer money and a camera, the pair (yes, this third person narrator gambit is silly, but it's too late to stop now) passed the Renaissance Hotel and dodged equine fecal matter left behind on the bridge deck by the mounts of Pittsburgh's finest (Note to Barbaro: Good part time gig betwixt mare mounting).

PNC was bewitching, as were the teenage drunks littered about, hooting and hollering and reveling in their Coors Light-fueled innocence (Note to teenage dweeb number 4: There was no need to have your glove with you. No creature of Earthly origin, regardless of clear or cream use, can hit a baseball a quarter of a mile). The sun was slowly setting, the Allegheny River was full of pleasurecraft and kayaks. Balls began to fly. Mr. and Mrs. Dish began to proceed toward the Elliott's Off Broadway beer dispensary ("Special All-Star Game Price: $4," the sign read. Special? Yes, $1 more than usual.).

Then, out of nowhere, a question was asked.

Charming Older Gentleman With Southern Drawl: "Do you know who played second base for the Pirates in the '79 World Series?"

Mr. Dish: "Phil Garner."

COGWSD: "That's my son!"

Garner's dad (below), apparently not as excited about watching baseballs meet a watery grave as the 39,000 or so inside PNC, was just wandering around, as Mr. and Mrs. Dish were, soaking in the scene. Pops Garner, who said he hadn't been back to Pittsburgh since Phil left for Houston in '81, quite liked how the city had changed since his last visit and was pleased to see a few of his son's old teammates, such as Dave Parker.

Offhandedly, Mr. Dish asked where Mr. Garner was staying, assuming it to be one of the city's finer hotels. "The Spring Hill Suites," Garner replied. Better than the airport Ramada, one supposes. On the plus side, though, Garner said he came to town on a private jet. So he had that going for him. Which was nice.

The Dishes pressed on for beer. Having acquired a couple Irons, they plopped on bleachers set up on Federal Street. Would have been a good idea these bleachers, the woman sitting behind Ma and Pa Dish remarked, had Major League Baseball had the foresight to set up a big screen tube so the ticketless could both enjoy the Home Run Derby atmosphere and the contest itself. Dish agreed. And got another Iron City.

After talking baseball with the woman (a native of Cuba, she recalled her regular childhood task of fetching male relatives around dinner time from an outdoor area dedicated to the discussion of baseball—"In English, it's called the Hot Corner," she said of the place—and the rivalry between the Havana and Santiago ballclubs.) and her husband, the family Dish strolled homeward.

Then they ducked into the Monterey Pub and drank some more.

Fin.

For more coverage on All-Star Game events, go to this top-drawer local sports site.

July 11, 2006 in Pirates | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 06, 2006

MLB picks New Yorkers over locals as All Star Game guides

Pittsburghers not savvy enough to point out interesting and entertaining things about Pittsburgh.

Welcome to Pittsburgh, All Star game visitors. We're damn glad to have you. Nice town, this is. Dish is here to make your visit more enjoyable and, as a gesture of goodwill to you (or as some say around here, "yinz") out-of-towners, let us make this offer: Allow us to be your guide.

Dish is given to understand that many of the locals who volunteered with Major League Baseball to help guide guests around Pittsburgh have been replaced by New Yorkers with some sort of friendly relationship to MLB officials. You know, it's one of those situations where the MLB folks are throwing chums and underlings a bone by flying them out here for the game, putting them up in a hotel and such. Dish is told they will guide visitors by using a little cheat sheet crafted for that purpose. Good for them. Not so hot for you.

Be assured, you will be sent to one of three places: Station Square (Don't go—except to take a Just Ducky Tours ride—the place stinks. Though it does have a store dedicated to socks. Good times!), Carson Street on the South Side (which can be fun ... if you're under 30 or looking to sleep with someone under 30. Good times!), or the Strip District (Clubs and such. It isn't what it sounds like. Though there is one of those places on Penn Avenue. Great times!).

There's a lot more to our fine little town than that. Drop us a line at editor@pittsburghdish.com. We'll suggest a restaurant that's not Morton's or Ruth's Chris (both are fine, but don't you want to try something local?), a bar that's not a teenybopper/frat-jackass haunt, or a diversion that's not sanctioned by MLB. Dish knows things. We could probably suggest some shopping as well (no sales tax on clothes
in Pennsylvania).

A few Pittsburgh ground rules:

* There may be french fries on your salad. Don't be alarmed, we do that here.

* If you drive, you will get lost. Downtown's shaped like a triangle and the city fathers tried to lay it out as a grid. This begets some confusion. The rest of the city is sick with hills and rivers, which can be disorienting. Just ask Mike Pinto who came here from
Connecticut for Mr. and Mrs. Dish's nuptials.

* Turn signals are rarely used.

* A local will almost always help you if you get in trouble, lost, etc. If you insult the Steelers, however, you may be pummeled.

* In terms of local beer, Penn Brewery's products are invariably excellent. Iron City isn't so hot, but truth be told it's no worse than Bud, so give it a shot. Try a Straub if you can. Or East End Brewing.

* We've had some bad heroin going around lately. Bring your own.

* Yes, the accent is silly. What of it?

Thanks, and be in touch. We're glad to help.

July 6, 2006 in All Star Game, Beer, Cool stuff, Food and Drink, News , Pirates, Sports Teams | Permalink | Comments (1)

June 27, 2006

Pirates seek change, stink

The odor on the North Side has finally reached the mouths of the players.

by Mark Weimer

Despite living with themselves, many Pirate regulars are only now beginning to smell themselves and their formidable stench. Amid the storm of filth that pollutes the greatest park in baseball, it seems that the Pirates have invented a whole new meaning of “disappointment." While sunlight can hardly breach the clouds of suck, several players see light in personnel changes.

While several veterans have pointed at themselves as possible trade candidates, the Pirates do have 32 men on the roster all of which cannot be overlooked. Although it is unlikely that the Pirates will be able to create a 64-man deal to effectively replace every man on the roster, it is possible that they could acquire cash and perhaps two or three pitching prospects. After all, the Marlins are doing rather well after essentially promoting their roster from the minors in the off-season. They are 22-9 in their last 31 games.

Possibly fed up with being a perennial loser, Jason Bay, somehow leading Soriano in All-Star voting, commented on the Pirates recent foulness. “We need to mix something up, “explained Bay. It is possible that if the Pirates do mix something up and attempt to play inebriated, they could win. Perhaps they can approach the plate relaxed, with a clear mind instead of thinking about how bad they are and how they are a disgrace to baseball.

“I only hit one home run out of the park when I was young, and it was my only plate appearance when I was drunk,” explained a Cranberry man. “Maybe they just need to get hammered… it couldn’t hurt.” The Pirates should part ways with several veterans including Jeromy Burnitz and Joe Randa. While their acquisitions were valuable for ticket sales, both players have exhausted their value, abilities, and careers. They should not step on the field again.

The Pirates need to change up the order. Let's use sense as opposed to short term fixes:

1. Freddy Sanchez. He is batting .351, .388 On-Base Percentage and hits doubles like it is his job. He deserves the extra at-bats.

2. Sean Casey. Bats .300 perennially, finds ways to get on base and bats left.

3. Jason Bay. ‘Nuff said.

4. Ronnie Paulino. Consistently hitting the ball, give him a shot to drive in some runs.

5. Craig Wilson. I never was a fan, but he is nice to have around with two outs… if the Bucs can make it to the 5 spot in one inning.

6. Jose Castillo. A sleeper who has shown tremendous power to the opposite field, but lacks consistency.

7. Jack Wilson. He needs to hit .300 before dreaming of number 2 again.

8. Bautista/McClouth/Gumby.

9. Pitcher.

Among the Pirates many problems is one that is clearly illustrated by this showing. It would look a whole lot better with a proven lead-off man at the top… which has not existed in Pittsburgh really since the moving of Lofton. It would look much better if everybody would move down a spot and make room for somebody that has a good OBP.

In short, the Pirates do need to mix it up and perhaps dump some out. To get out of the rut, stack the top with OBP, and AVG leaders. Something is bound to happen. Until then, lets us remind ourselves that there will be some baseball played in Pittsburgh. Hopefully it will not be limited to the All-Star Game.

You guys need to vote for Sanchez. He is worth a damn.

June 27, 2006 in Mark Weimer, Pirates, Sports Teams | Permalink | Comments (0)