Pittsburgh Dish

Callow mayor is experienced doofus

Many of us love the Steelers, chum, but geez, this stunt is simply
silly

Mayor wants to drop 'Ravens' from his name
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
By Rich Lord, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, at least for this week, wants to be known as Luke Steelerstahl.

"On behalf of the Steelers Nation, I've decided to remove the word 'Ravens' from my name just like the Steelers will remove them from the AFC Championship," he said, referring to Sunday's playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens.

The mayor this morning began, but did not complete, a Verified Petition for a Name Change.

Other possible rejected half-way name changes include:

* Luke Detroitlionstahl

* Luke Quiteamazingthatiamtwelveandanestablishedpartoftheoldboys

networkisitnotstahl

* Luke Progrestahl

* Luke Duke

* Luke Steelersfansgetdrunkandpukenstahl

* Leni Riefenstahl

* El Guapo

* Luke Maybeabettermayorthandishthoughtyetwecannotstopmockinghimatall

stahl

Steelers for sale

Fans crap pants

Members of the Rooney family are considering selling shares of the Pittsburgh Steelers to a New York-based quadrillionaire investment guy. The team is said to be worth between $800 million and $1.2 billion. The guy, Stanley Druckenmiller, says he'll let Dan Rooney continue to run the team. Which is nice.

However, Dish hears that there are other suitors for the gridders.

They are:

- Art Modell*, who promises to move the team to Cleveland**

- Don Barden

- The Port Authority of Allegheny County. The good news is PAT will keep the team in the city. The bad news is, well, as obvious as the Don Barden joke Dish refuses to make

- Kevin McClatchy. He needs another sports team to save and run into the ground simultaneously

- Cowher's mustache

- The inhabitants of Allegheny County. All we need is about a grand a piece, people

* Who may be dead. Dish isn't sure and doesn't feel like using the Google
** Modell, if alive, is a bit senile

Mascot mayhem

Is Ice Burgh next?

On Wednesday, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported that one of the guys who dons the costume of the most hated mascot in sports history, the Pittsburgh Steelers' Steely McBeam, got popped for drunk driving on the
South Side.

And members of the Rooney family hung their heads in shame.

Let's not forget, though, that mascot misbehavior is par for the course in Pittsburgh professional sports history.

In 1985, Kevin Koch, a former Pirate Parrot, was implicated in cocaine dealing during Major League Baseball's drug trials. Koch, it seems, was the conduit by which the ol' Bolivian Marching Powder made its way into the
schnozzes of various and sundry Buccos.

Mr. Dish recalls an early 1980s visit the Parrot made to a Beaver County family restaurant. Now, he can't say for certain that it was Koch in the silly, green feathered suit, but whoever played the Parrot that day drove a
white Corvette.

Not quite a teen, Mr. Dish thought this odd. By 1985, it made plenty of sense.

In 1999, some kid who dressed up like a Pirate and annoyed Buccos fans at Three Rivers Stadium was dismissed from his job after being caught pantsless in the company of a young lady at a local swimming pool.

Reflecting on these mascot missteps, Mr. Dish makes the following predictions:

- After the Penguins win the Stanley Cup this June, Ice Burgh will be caught in flagrante delicto with three prostitutes and two polar bears at the Pittsburgh Zoo. He will also be implicated in a fish-smuggling ring.

- The Pitt Panther? Runs a chop shop in Homewood.

- The Robert Morris Colonial? Serial shoplifter.

- The Scottish Terrier Bill Cosby gave to Carnegie Mellon University? Starred in a 2006 skin flick with Belladonna and Rocco Siffredi.

- The Pirates secondary mascot, Cpt. Jolly Roger? You can probably guess on your own if you have any familiarity with how pirates are said to behave during those long, long months at sea.

Breaking News: Curtains for Steely McBeam

Steelers mascot arrested for DUI on the South Side. Read details here.

Mr. Dish will weigh in on the boozy bust later today.

Farewell, Myron

Cope dies

Pittsburgh cries

Myron Cope hasn't been well for quite some time. Over the past few years, he has suffered repeated bouts of pneumonia. Today he died.

But for 35 of his 79 years, Cope was alive in a way that many of us could only hope to be: He was the voice of the Pittsburgh Steelers. In this town, that's like being the voice of god.

For three or so hours on no fewer than 16 occasions, he was the guy who made local football fans mute the national television broadcasters (particularly Beasley Reese), turn up the radio and Yoi! along to, more often than not, victory. He had our attention. He was incisive. And he was absolutely hilarious.

Before his broadcasting career, which included a long-lived radio talk show, Cope was a sports journalist. He parlayed his local success into a gig at Sports Illustrated. His piece on Howard Cosell was ranked among the 50 best pieces published in the then 50-year history of the magazine. He and George Plimpton are the only two writers listed as "Special Contributors" on the magazine's masthead.

Three days after Dish returned, Chiodo's tavern in Homestead closed its doors. Three months after Mr. Dish returned to Pittsburgh from Connecticut, Cope announced his retirement. Two local legends gone? What has this place become? Bland Phoenix with considerably worse weather? Back to New Haven?

Idiosyncratic Pittsburgh, it turns out, remained, and so did Dish. But a little bit more of the old place was gone and today Cope is gone for good. While he was here, though, he was Pittsburgh.

For most of his adult life, Cope was more than that, though. He was also the father of a severely autistic son named Daniel. Cope was far from alone in loving and caring for a disabled child, but thanks to the Terrible Towel (Cope's 1975 invention) he was able to do a little more than most.

In 1996, Cope gave the rights to the towel to the Allegheny Valley School in Coraopolis. The school provides care for more than 900 people with mental retardation and physical disabilities, such as Daniel. Proceeds from towel sales have helped raise almost $1.1 million for the school.

You've earned your rest, Myron Sidney Kopelman. And thanks.

Former Post-Gazette writer Chico Harlan did one hell of a job capturing the essence of Cope during the Steelers' most recent Super Bowl run. If you cared about Cope, it's worth a read on this day particularly.

Let's Go Pens

At least we have hockey.

Jody DiPerna refelects on the Steelers

All through the 2007 season, the Steelers were a team lacking in identity. Or rather, maybe, they lacked consistency. Were they the team with the top ranked defense? Or the team that was carved up by Tom Brady and the Patriots for 34 points and more than 400 yards? Were they the opportunistic, high-flying offense who embarrassed the Baltimore Ravens on a wet Monday night? Or the team that scored just 16 points against the lowly New York Jets?

Turns out, they were all of the above, and the 31-29 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars in the wild card round of the playoffs was the prism that clarified everything right about 2007. And everything wrong.

If you’re at all like me, you’ve reached the breaking point watching the Steelers special teams. Year in, year out, I wonder if there are even any Division III college teams with worse special teams coverage? In fact, mano a mano, I’d put money on the Gateway Gators returning kicks against the Steelers.

And so it was on Saturday early on in the disappointing playoff loss to Jacksonville. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then watching Steelers games and expecting adequate special teams play is the height of insanity.

Jeff Reed is one of the best field goal kickers around with thighs like Eric Heiden. So how is it that he rarely kicks into the end zone? I'm not suggesting that it's easy, but it seems to me one of the most uncomplicated elements of a professional football game. Given that the coverage units available to him are mostly inert, he could become a Pittsburgh legend if he could take them out of the game entirely by forcing touchbacks. Heck, Mr. Rooney might even give him a pay raise for it. For my part, I’d personally lobby Mayor Ravenstahl to rename the Fort Duquesne Bridge in his honor.

Coach Tomlin tried to address special teams. Maybe it really is that difficult to run hard, stay in your lane and tackle, but I don’t think so. The first guy to make a mistake on kick coverage in August 2008 should get a visit from the Turk. It would send a message: either play smart special teams or look for employment elsewhere.

There’s plenty more blame to be ladled out and despite his greatness, Ben Roethlisberger didn’t help by throwing a pick six to allow the Jags to take the lead. And throwing another interception before halftime, squelching a potential field goal drive. He overcame his mistakes in the second half, so I’m going to defend him because the Steelers would have lost the division to Cleveland (gah) without Roethlisberger.

Coach Cowher had some great teams that never won a Super Bowl. 1994. 1995. 1997. 2001. 2002. Those teams had everything you needed. Except those teams could not overcome their quarterbacks: Neil O'Donnell, Kordell Stewart and Tommy Maddox. That Cowher finally got that elusive ring when he finally got a franchise quarterback is no coincidence.

There will be missteps and interceptions. But there will be more comebacks like the one he orchestrated Saturday night. Roethlisberger remains their best player and their best chance.

The mistake parade just keeps on rolling though because this loss was a team effort. The defense reminded us of how it was that the Steelers lost to the Jets. (Kellen Clemens drove the Jets from their own 14 to tie the game on a field goal and force overtime. Kellen Clemens.)

Coach Tomlin looked like the rookie that he is when he stubbornly went for a two-point conversion from the 12-yard line.

Meanwhile, offensive coordinator Bruce Arians reminded us of why he was once fired from a coaching position with Temple (yes, Temple University) by becoming inexplicably enamored of fade patterns in crucial situations. At best, fade patterns probably work about 10-15% of the time. They essentially take away the quarterback out of the play by giving him just one option -- he’s got to make that toss, without looking anywhere else.

But Arians saved his worst for last, calling a head-scratching quarterback end around behind Trai Essex (of all people) on a 3rd and six which might have put the game out of reach for Jacksonville.

I’m not calling for Tomlin to fire Arians (yet), but really, once you’ve been fired by Temple, perhaps your football career should be over. Tomlin needs to rein Arians, by taking the moronic fade patterns out of the repertoire and limiting the number of slow developing plays, in lieu of quick tosses to Heath Miller, Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes. Every time they throw a quick slant to Holmes, he turns it into a touchdown. That’s just what the man does.

And though my dawg, Captain Glenn will disagree with me, there are some positives to the Arians offense. There are likewise some glaring negatives. It's up to Tomlin to find a way to emphasis the former and minimize the latter this off-season.

Nobody involved with the Steelers should feel good about losing a game that was there to be won. To their credit, the Jaguars made fewer mistakes, David Garrard made key runs and they did just enough to win. They should be feeling good about that. Though I will be rooting for them, I don’t expect them to go into New England and shock the world. Sadly.

It’s always hard to handle a playoff loss and losses by one’s own hand are particularly hard to get over. I’m putting aside dreams of glory this year and looking forward to draft day in April. I hope it goes something like this: Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Defensive Line, Defensive Line, Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Safety.

Photos found here.

New England Hatriots: Screed '07

by Jody DiPerna

As Sunday’s date with destiny rolls around for the Steelers, I try to remind myself that what feels like a cataclysmic clash of good versus evil is just one more regular season game. With a two game lead on the Cleveland Browns, it’s not the end of the world if the Steelers lose. At least that’s what I told myself in the shower this morning. And again as I sat down at my desk. Lather, rinse, repeat.

During the course of my tenure at the Dish (ha, I said ‘tenure’ and ‘Dish’ in the same sentence), I have written many nasty things about the New England Patriots. We are way ahead of the curve, producing venom filled anti-Patriots screeds as far back as the fall of 2005. But this season, the rest of America has finally come to realize that the Pats are pox upon football fans. I blame Dick Cheney.

Here’s what we know. The Patriots own their division and have all but locked up the number one seed in the AFC, running up the score on more teams than I can count without taking off my shoes. But how do they really compare to the good guys?

The quarterbacks have surprisingly similar career passer ratings (91.5 for Ben Roethlisberger and 92.7 for Tom Brady) and career completion percentages (63.5% and 62.9%, respectively.) It’s the touchdown to interception ratio where Brady really shines (188 TDs-83 INTS compared to Roethlisberger’s 77 TDs-54 INTs). Add those stats to all the Brady Babymamas running around out there and you’d be foolish to argue with Tom Terrific’s ability to score. But I’d say Roethlisberger knows how to use a sack better.

At the wide receiver positions, Pittsburgh has Hines "First Down" Ward, Super Bowl XL MVP and champion of little bi-racial children everywhere. He gets his weekly manicures and pedicures at former Steelers Mike Logan’s shop (Fahrenheit 212, 1901 Centre Avenue, Pittsburgh.) Talk about giving back to the community! Or New England’s Randy "Roach Clip" Moss, a superstar talent who admits to taking plays off. I admit a small fondness for Moss because he sent Joe Buck into near apoplexy by fake mooning fans.

For the good guys is Zen master, Gatorade eschewing, soft-spoken, deeply religious, hard-hitting safety, Troy Polamalu. He looks like a yetti and has the closing speed of Secretariat. On the other side is the biggest mouthpiece in the NFL, renown cheap shot artist, and proven HGH cheat, Rodney Harrison.

Suiting up at outside linebacker are James Harrison and Mike Vrabel, respectively. Both played college ball in Ohio. Harrison went to Kent State. Vrabel went to The Ohio State. Nuff said.

At inside linebacker, in black and gold is James Farrior, the mild-mannered product of the University of Virginia, whose tackles remain textbook perfection. Trotting out in the silver and blue (and red and white) is Tedy Bruschi, the stroke-addled backer who struts around like Patrick Swayze in "The Outsiders." Oh Pony Boy!

It doesn’t matter who plays at the other safety spot for the New England, because Rhodes Scholar Anthony Smith plays for the Steelers. I know the writers’ strike has everybody down, but hasn’t Smith learned anything from the ‘Daily Show?’ Gentlemen, start your platitudes ...

As to the coaches, Pittsburgh’s Mike Tomlin is dreamy while it’s a minor miracle that New England’s Bill Belichick even had a mistress (maybe she had a thing for hoodies ...)

Tomlin is thought of as a stand up guy, much in the mold of his mentor, Tony Dungy, who was mentored, of course, by Chuck Noll. So confident is Tomlin that he retained beloved defensive genius, Dick LeBeau, allowing him to continue running his zone blitz packages.

Despite the accolades, his reputation as a football genius, the best coach of his era, and maybe the best coach ever, despite three Super Bowl victories as head coach in New England (and a few others as the defensive coordinator with the New York Giants) -- despite all that, Bill Belichick was insecure enough that he cheated.

It’s evident that the New England franchise is pure evil -- if you still buy into their disingenuous goody two shoes act, either your area code is 617 or I’ve got some really valuable property in Munhall that I’d like to sell you for a small fortune. But when it’s all over, either the Steelers will have smote the evil empire, goodness and light will blanket Western Pennsylvania and there will be much rejoicing at Dish headquarters.

Or, the Steelers will be just another victim of the Patriots machine. Sure it will hurt, but worst case scenario has them just one game ahead of the Browns rather than two (or even three.) It’s just one more regular season game. I’ll try to remind myself of that on Sunday while I put on the eye black and my Pitt Football t-shirt (in the hopes of bringing some of that upset special karma along.) Go ahead and laugh. I’m a dork like that.

Oldie but a goodie

Bungle buffoonery basted

I love Bengals week

by Jody DiPerna

In addition to participating in the wildly popular Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic this off-season, the Cincinnati Bengals receiving corps may want to acquaint themselves with reality. Chad Johnson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Chris Henry, meet reality. Steelers 24, Bengals 10.

They could also introduce themselves to reality by watching film of Hines Ward. The guy who is routinely mugged, but still had 11 receptions against the Bengals for 90 yards, and two touchdowns while T.J. Houshmandzadeh complained all night for a flag on every play. As my buddy Smiley pointed out, "watch and learn, crybaby."

They could learn from Ward. The receiver who is the best blocking wide out in the league without question. The one with a Super Bowl ring to accompany his Super Bowl MVP award. The receiver who holds the record for the most touchdown grabs in Steelers history. The guy who was drafted as a utility player out of Georgia and who is making a strong case for a party in Canton a few years after his retirement.

That Hines Ward. The one who smiles and blocks and absorbs hits so violent that defenders limp off the field while he trots back to the huddle. Not that he needs the help, but thanks to Marvin Lewis’ defense for leaving him completely uncovered in the back of the end zone for his first touchdown.

In typical Cincinnati fashion, Houshmandzadeh had a Terrible Towel on his waist during pre-game warm ups. What was he planning to do with that? Oh, right, to polish his shoes. Or some other equally unrealistic obnoxious nonsense given his team’s 4-7 record and the fact that the Steelers are, in fact, Dey. You have to wonder if there is a bigger bunch of a-holes than the Bengals wide receivers.

The great and magnificent Carson Palmer was 17 of 44 on the night. That’s not a typo: he completed just 39% of his passes. If you take away the Bengals first drive, when they looked like an actual team, when Palmer was five for seven, then he was 12 of 37, connecting 32% of the time.

The Steelers defensive backs got so far into Houshmandzadeh’s head that by the end of the night, he was jumping up and down, taking off his helmet, stomping off the field like a spoiled brat. The magnificent defense, combined with Palmer’s inaccuracy and Houshmandzadeh was so frustrated that he may have been benched for the Bengals last gasp series. It is unconfirmed, but it was the only time I didn’t see him crying to the refs, so I suspect Lewis took him out of the game to avoid having him penalized and/or tossed.

The Bengals had one last chance to do something to salvage the season. They had a chance to, at the very least, put their hated rivals’ in a less than optimal spot for a playoff run. With just under two minutes left in the game, they had a chance to tighten the score. On 4th and 17, Palmer hit Chad Johnson on the sidelines for 13 yards. Johnson stepped out of bounds to save clock. He had no idea it was 4th down and he was shy of the 1st down. Thanks, Ocho Stinko, for putting an exclamation point on what I had been saying all night about the Bengals being callow. His face was brilliant, as you could see this wash over him, "What? We have to give the ball back? Why? Why didn't somebody remind me of what down it was."

Too bad Houshmandzadeh was on sitting on a cooler on the sidelines. Had he been in the game he might have reminded Johnson of the down and distance. Wanna bet Hines Ward knew it was 4th down?

I don’t know why I expected anything else from the Bengals, particularly in this 21st Century version of the NFL, when nothing is ever the fault of the players or the coaches. It’s the field. It’s the refs. It’s the position of the moon in the sky. It’s the halftime entertainment. It’s the media’s treatment of Britney Spears. It’s the stale nachos. Wah, wah, wah.

Cincinnati could have won that game. If they were more mature. If they were more disciplined. If they were, you know, just more better. But they aren't. They are who we thought they were. The Bungles.