Pittsburgh Dish

Hey, Bob Errey

Have a beer with us

If there were a Make-a-Wish Foundation for reasonably healthy adults, Mr. and Mrs. Dish would wish for the opportunity to buy Pittsburgh Penguins television color commentator Bob Errey a beer.

Errey, who was drafted fifteenth overall by the Penguins in 1983, played a significant role in helping Pittsburgh's flightless, ice-bound waterfowl net two Stanley Cups in the early 1990s.

Today, Errey makes Mr. and Mrs. Dish laugh hysterically as he warns against deploying the "can opener" ("You can't put the stick between the legs and do the can opener Stegggie!") and relishes the "pickle stabber."

His enthusiasm for hockey has inflamed the Dishes' Penguins passion (we understand there's an ointment for that) and nearly makes up for Pens management shunting the inimitable Mike Lange off to the hinterlands of radio.

Mr. Errey, you're informative and you're a hoot. Drop us a line at editor@pittsburghdish.com to redeem this free beer offer. We'll talk hockey.

Let's Go Pens

At least we have hockey.

Jody DiPerna refelects on the Steelers

All through the 2007 season, the Steelers were a team lacking in identity. Or rather, maybe, they lacked consistency. Were they the team with the top ranked defense? Or the team that was carved up by Tom Brady and the Patriots for 34 points and more than 400 yards? Were they the opportunistic, high-flying offense who embarrassed the Baltimore Ravens on a wet Monday night? Or the team that scored just 16 points against the lowly New York Jets?

Turns out, they were all of the above, and the 31-29 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars in the wild card round of the playoffs was the prism that clarified everything right about 2007. And everything wrong.

If you’re at all like me, you’ve reached the breaking point watching the Steelers special teams. Year in, year out, I wonder if there are even any Division III college teams with worse special teams coverage? In fact, mano a mano, I’d put money on the Gateway Gators returning kicks against the Steelers.

And so it was on Saturday early on in the disappointing playoff loss to Jacksonville. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then watching Steelers games and expecting adequate special teams play is the height of insanity.

Jeff Reed is one of the best field goal kickers around with thighs like Eric Heiden. So how is it that he rarely kicks into the end zone? I'm not suggesting that it's easy, but it seems to me one of the most uncomplicated elements of a professional football game. Given that the coverage units available to him are mostly inert, he could become a Pittsburgh legend if he could take them out of the game entirely by forcing touchbacks. Heck, Mr. Rooney might even give him a pay raise for it. For my part, I’d personally lobby Mayor Ravenstahl to rename the Fort Duquesne Bridge in his honor.

Coach Tomlin tried to address special teams. Maybe it really is that difficult to run hard, stay in your lane and tackle, but I don’t think so. The first guy to make a mistake on kick coverage in August 2008 should get a visit from the Turk. It would send a message: either play smart special teams or look for employment elsewhere.

There’s plenty more blame to be ladled out and despite his greatness, Ben Roethlisberger didn’t help by throwing a pick six to allow the Jags to take the lead. And throwing another interception before halftime, squelching a potential field goal drive. He overcame his mistakes in the second half, so I’m going to defend him because the Steelers would have lost the division to Cleveland (gah) without Roethlisberger.

Coach Cowher had some great teams that never won a Super Bowl. 1994. 1995. 1997. 2001. 2002. Those teams had everything you needed. Except those teams could not overcome their quarterbacks: Neil O'Donnell, Kordell Stewart and Tommy Maddox. That Cowher finally got that elusive ring when he finally got a franchise quarterback is no coincidence.

There will be missteps and interceptions. But there will be more comebacks like the one he orchestrated Saturday night. Roethlisberger remains their best player and their best chance.

The mistake parade just keeps on rolling though because this loss was a team effort. The defense reminded us of how it was that the Steelers lost to the Jets. (Kellen Clemens drove the Jets from their own 14 to tie the game on a field goal and force overtime. Kellen Clemens.)

Coach Tomlin looked like the rookie that he is when he stubbornly went for a two-point conversion from the 12-yard line.

Meanwhile, offensive coordinator Bruce Arians reminded us of why he was once fired from a coaching position with Temple (yes, Temple University) by becoming inexplicably enamored of fade patterns in crucial situations. At best, fade patterns probably work about 10-15% of the time. They essentially take away the quarterback out of the play by giving him just one option -- he’s got to make that toss, without looking anywhere else.

But Arians saved his worst for last, calling a head-scratching quarterback end around behind Trai Essex (of all people) on a 3rd and six which might have put the game out of reach for Jacksonville.

I’m not calling for Tomlin to fire Arians (yet), but really, once you’ve been fired by Temple, perhaps your football career should be over. Tomlin needs to rein Arians, by taking the moronic fade patterns out of the repertoire and limiting the number of slow developing plays, in lieu of quick tosses to Heath Miller, Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes. Every time they throw a quick slant to Holmes, he turns it into a touchdown. That’s just what the man does.

And though my dawg, Captain Glenn will disagree with me, there are some positives to the Arians offense. There are likewise some glaring negatives. It's up to Tomlin to find a way to emphasis the former and minimize the latter this off-season.

Nobody involved with the Steelers should feel good about losing a game that was there to be won. To their credit, the Jaguars made fewer mistakes, David Garrard made key runs and they did just enough to win. They should be feeling good about that. Though I will be rooting for them, I don’t expect them to go into New England and shock the world. Sadly.

It’s always hard to handle a playoff loss and losses by one’s own hand are particularly hard to get over. I’m putting aside dreams of glory this year and looking forward to draft day in April. I hope it goes something like this: Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Defensive Line, Defensive Line, Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Safety.

Photos found here.

Connecticut band mixes pucks with punk

The Zambonis: The Jimmy Pol of the Pens

Mrs. Dish saw the Zambonis a few times while back in Connecticut and even she--who hasn't bought an album since Honky Chateau (shut up Frank) and never liked hockey all that much--thinks the Zambonis are really swell. Listen here--even you non-hockey fans might be inspired to watch tonight's playoff game. This young(ish), scrappy band and the Baby Pens should schedule a play date.

From The Zambonis website:

Few rock bands have been featured in both Sports Illustrated and Billboard. Few have played both punk-rock clubs and Harlem’s Apollo Theatre. Few have appealed to fans young and old. But the quirky 100% hockey-rock Zambonis have somehow prevailed—impressing music snobs, sports freaks.

The Zambonis formed in 1991 when defenseman/guitarist/singer Dave Schneider envisioned a group that played nothing but songs about hockey. And he wasn’t joking. What started as a fun “little thing” is now the most popular sports-rock band in North America. Explaining his band’s unique style, Dave says, “We’re the only band in the world whose two biggest influences are The Beatles and Wayne Gretzky!”

For the “minor-league years,” The Zambonis stuck close to their Bridgeport, Connecticut home. But in 1996, The Zambonis’ first full-length CD, 100% Hockey...and other stuff, changed everything. The 15-song disc cracked the Top 25 on both the CMJ and Gavin charts, spent 13 weeks on the CMJ Top 200 and worked its way onto NHL, NCAA and minor league hockey arena playlists nationwide.

Commenting on the disc, The Los Angeles Times wrote, “Slapstick meets slapshots…For the true hockey fan, this is a must. For the casual fan, it’s still one big smile.” While Billboard added “They have a sense of humor about themselves…A timely and surprisingly appealing release.” Time Out New York chimed in, anointing the band “The Pearl Jam of hockey rock.”

It wasn’t long before the band performed at Madison Square Garden. Even though the event was a monster truck rally, it still counts, right?

Continue reading about the Zambonis here.

The best hangs up the blades

Lemieux quits, life sucks.

by Ryan Caione

The Penguins sure don’t want us to be happy, do they? All the news coming from the Igloo is bad. Ziggy Palffy abruptly retires after a forgettable stint with the Pens. The team is officially put on the auction block. Their losing streak reached double digits. I had prepared a piece on Monday night bemoaning the team’s rotten luck on the ice after they’ve played tough against the hated Rangers and Flyers, only to lose late in the games amid unusual circumstances. But I showed up at work on Tuesday morning and read the sad news. Mario Lemieux is retiring, again. This time for good.

My love for the Steelers is deep and abiding, but the Penguins were my first. Sure, some of my earliest memories involve family parties on Super Bowl Sundays, but they also involve attending Penguins games with my dad in the early Eighties in a half-empty Civic Arena. Everyone loved the Steelers, of course. Very few, at the time, loved the Penguins. You may recall otherwise, but there was not much fanfare around town when Lemieux began his career in 1984. (The team only attracted slightly over 10,000 fans per game his first year and a sold-out Civic Arena was almost unheard of.) The Penguins were a team I could call my own, and now they had a transcendent star that no one knew about except for me and few other die-hard hockey fans, at least in my 12-year-old mind. Of course, that all changed. It took a few years, but people began climbing on the Penguins bandwagon, culminating with the team’s back-to-back Stanley Cup wins.

They all came to see the greatest player of his era, if not of all time. (I never saw Bobby Orr or Gordie Howe in their prime, obviously.) Lemieux has done things on the ice – score five goals in a game five different ways, score on a face-off, score with his back to the net and his stick between his legs – that no one has ever accomplished. Don’t let anyone tell you Wayne Gretzky was better (though he’s a distant second). Sure, he is the NHL’s all-time leading scorer and owns a barrel full of records that will never be broken. But he played on a team with future Hall-of-Famers from the start of his career while Lemieux plied with the likes of Jim McGeough, Mitch Lamoureux, and a lamp post.

Gretzky’s best hockey attributes -- grace, vision, hands – were all matched, if not surpassed by the much larger Lemieux, who, because of his size and reach advantage, is undoubtedly the player that opposing goalies feared most one-on-one. While Lemieux was never a brawler, he always stuck up for himself; Gretzky had hired goons for that. And Lemieux always seemed to play his best when it was most appropriate, like when he scored a hat trick in the first period of the only NHL All-Star Game held in Pittsburgh, or when he scored four goals in what was (at the time) to be his last game in his hometown of Montreal, or when he scored five goals two days after the birth of his son -- against Gretzky’s St. Louis Blues, no less.

But for all his magic on the ice, Lemieux’s greatest triumphs came off of it. His goal and assist totals may have approached Gretzky’s if his career hadn’t been interrupted several times by frightening health problems. Not by typical hockey-related bumps and bruises, which he endured, but by nightmares you wouldn’t wish on anyone: a congenital narrowing of the spine, a staph infection, an irregular heartbeat, a cancerous lymph node. The fact that he overcame these not only while in the public eye, but while continuing to perform at a level high above his peers, is an inspiration to all and will be his greatest legacy. In 1993, on the day he underwent his last radiation treatment for Hodgkin’s disease, he hopped a plane to Philadelphia and promptly scored a goal and an assist. He missed 23 games that year due to the grueling therapy and still came back and won the NHL scoring title, for Pete’s sake.

Of course, the Pittsburgh would not have a National Hockey League team if not for Lemieux. He saved it at the gate by putting fannies in the seats in the 1980s, and he saved it from bankruptcy by parlaying the money owed to him by the franchise into a controlling stake in the team in 1998. He was never one of us, per se (after all, how many princely French-Canadian millionaires are there roving around Pittsburgh?), is shy by nature and prizes his privacy so much that he never allowed much of his personality off the ice. But he always seemed like he was just one of the guys around his teammates. And by choosing to live in Pittsburgh after his playing career and investing his own money in the franchise, he showed that he cares for us and his adopted home. Cynics may suggest that by putting the team up for sale and retiring now, Lemieux is getting out when the getting’s good, and is looking after his own interests first and foremost. That may be true; only he knows for sure. But he also knows what sport means to Pittsburgh and I think he has done most everything in his power to ensure that we have Penguins hockey to get us through these grey January and February days. And he provided more good times and sweet memories to us than we had any right to expect.

My top ten Mario moments (these aren’t the most important or most famous, mind you, just my favorites):

10. The Penguins were playing in Quebec in February 1987, I think. The game wasn’t televised, so I was listening on the radio. Mike Lange called a goal that you had to be there to believe and went so far to suggest watching the 11 o’clock news that night for the highlights. Here’s what happened: Mario got the puck around center red. Nordiques defenseman Marc Fortier, a step behind Lemieux, dug his stick into Mario’s gut, and then hit him with it a couple times. When that didn’t work, Fortier threw one arm around Lemieux’s waist and threw other up the air like a rodeo cowboy. Not only did that not slow Lemieux down as he bore down on the goalie on a 90-foot breakaway, but he scored with Fortier still riding piggyback.

9. April 2, 1988. In their second-to-last game of the season, the Penguins needed a win in Washington to remain in playoff contention, even though their bumbling coach at the time, Pierre Creamer, was unaware of that fact. In overtime, Lemieux took matters into his own hands, burst down the right side toward the goal, got clipped from behind by Capitals defenseman Larry Murphy, and scored the game-winning goal while sliding toward the net on his backside. Pens win 7-6.

8. February 4, 1997. Lemieux’s 600^th goal. It wasn’t fancy, just an empty-netter, but he had several near-misses during the game. Mr. Dish and I were there at the Arena, screaming our fool heads off the entire time.

7. January 29, 1991. I was at the Arena, again, this time for Lemieux’s first game back after recovering from back surgery and a staph infection.

6. May 8, 2001. Game 6 of the 2001 Eastern Conference Semifinals. With the Penguins on the brink of elimination against the Buffalo Sabres, with the goalie pulled, the puck miraculously drops at Lemieux’s feet at the edge of the crease with less than a minute-and-a-half to play. He scores to send the game into overtime and the Pens go on to win the series.

5. May 17, 1991. During the Pens’ first run to the Stanley Cup, Mario made three grown men look like peewees. He split between Minnesota defenders Neil Wilkinson and Shawn Chambers, who both spun 360 degrees in the spot where they were standing. Then he bore down on diminutive goalie Jon Casey, who was faked to his knees as Mario scored on the backhand on a breakaway.

4. December 31, 1988. Lemieux scored five goals every way possible – even-strength, power-play, short-handed, penalty shot, and empty net. Against the stinking Devils, no less. Happy New Year.

3. April 25, 1989. Game 5 of the 1989 Division Finals against Philadelphia. Mario put on clinic, scoring 8 points (5 goals and 3 assists) and infuriating hothead Flyers goalie Ron Hextall in a 10-7 win.

2. March 2, 1993. The day of his final radiation treatment. A goal and an assist. Even the notoriously rude Philly fans gave him an extended ovation.

1. December 27, 2000. The Comeback. I was at the Arena for this one, too. I’m not ashamed to say that, along with my wedding day (and an AFC Championship Sunday a couple of days ago), that was one of the happiest days of my life.

Thanks, Mario. Enjoy your retirement.

(AP photos)

Penguins report: Go Steelers

The Penguins stink. 

by Ryan Caione

This is nothing new. They have lost their last seven games in regulation, their longest such streak in a season that is fetid with losing streaks. But after the Steelers’ most exciting win in a generation, how could anyone possibly care? Sure, the Flightless Waterfowl are still drawing impressive crowds at the Igloo. But most of those tickets were purchased in the days after the team secured the rights to draft Sidney Crosby last summer. Pitt's basketball squad is off to an impressive start, is one of only three NCAA Division I teams without a loss, and beat perennial powerhouse Louisville on the road, but it barely registers in the city’s conscience. What chance does one of the laughingstocks of the NHL have?

When was the last time the Penguins were this irrelevant? Their rise to the top of the NHL in the early nineties coincided with the Pirates’ tailspin and since then, the Penguins have been the second-most popular team in town (albeit a distant second). The running joke is that the Pirates’ season ends when the Steelers start training camp and the Penguins’ season starts when the Steelers’ season ends. Of course, this year, the Pens’ season was over barely two months after it started.

Histrionics aside (and I love the fact that he called out his team after a poor showing against Edmonton last week), new coach Michel Therrien has not jumpstarted the team. The Pens have won only three games in the month since he was handed the keys to this jalopy. And now they’re brawlers. I’m not sure if that’s admirable or comical. After spotting the opposition 4-1 leads in three of the last four games (and four of the last six), the Penguins have implemented the strategy that if they can’t beat you on the scoreboard, they will beat you with their fists. And they’ve failed at that, too, the long arms of Colby Armstrong notwithstanding. In the first half of the season, the Penguins were involved in only 10 fights. Last Wednesday, the team engaged the Columbus Blue Jackets, of all teams, six times. They’ve had a fighting major in every game since, highlighted by the grudge match between the obnoxious (even when he wore a Penguins sweater) Matt Barnaby and Lyle Odelein in Chicago on Friday. (Poor Lyle Odelein. He has plugged away in the NHL for 15 seasons with little recognition, except from his teammates. He comes come to work everyday and takes abuse from opponents, fans, and his coach. He performs his job well, but screws up occasionally. Just like the rest of us.)

Now goalie Marc-Andre Fleury’s contract is about to turn into a pumpkin. He has a clause that stipulates he be paid $3 million if he plays at least 20 minutes in 25 games; he’s appeared in 23. Therrien has tried to rest him, but Jocelyn Thibault, Dany Sabourin, and Sebastien Caron have all been yanked from the crease for impersonating a sewer grate in each of their most recent starts over the past week and a half. Unlike many fans, I won’t be upset if Fleury is sent back to the minors before the clause kicks in. He would benefit from another playoff run in Wilkes-Barre Scranton rather than being used for target practice by NHL forwards. The Penguins projected a $7 million loss this season, with two rounds of playoffs factored in. That playoff run surely ain’t going to happen, so the team is likely staring at even bigger financial losses. If they were in the hunt for the postseason, I’d feel differently. But this season is over, for all intents and purpose. So bring on Pitt’s Big East schedule. Bring on the Turin Olympics (which will mercifully interrupt the Penguins season for two weeks in February). And most important of all, bring on the Broncos.

(The hated New York Rangers, sporting no fewer than five former Penguins, come to the Civic Arena on Thursday, by the way.)

The stars of the week:

Dick LeBeau, Big Ben, the Bus, Joey Porter, James Farrior, Troy Polamalu, Heath Miller, Fast Willie, Alan Faneca, Casey Hampton, Hines Ward, Coach Cowher, et al. Go Steelers!

Un Deux Trois

As a lifelong Penguins fan, I innately despise three teams: the Philadelphia Flyers, the New York Rangers, and the New Jersey Devils.

by Ryan Caione

Of course, they all have been rivals of the Pens since the old Patrick Division days. But the Devils and the Rangers epitomize the troubles that led to the lockout that eradicated the 2004-05 NHL season. The Rangers almost single-handedly knocked the league’s salary structure out of whack by overpaying lummoxes like Bobby Holik and Eric Lindros $9 million a year. (Of course, the team hasn't made the playoffs since 1997, and their futility evokes fancy words like hubris and schadenfreude.)

New Jersey set the NHL back decades with their clutching-and-grabbing trap defense that spread like smallpox when lesser teams tried to replicate the success of a nondescript Devils club that won the Stanley Cup in the strike-shortened 1995 season. The resulting deterioration in play throughout the league eventually led to changes to and enforcement of the rules that the Devils and their ilk flaunted for years.

The Flyers are, well, the Flyers -- insecure schoolyard bullies that take their cue from general manager Bobby Clarke, who, as a member of that team during the 1970s, embodied the inaccurate stereotype of hockey players as brutish toothless goons. Other than wearing a suit to work and some cosmetic dental bridgework, not much about him has changed.

Now you can add the Atlanta Thrashers to that list. Before this weekend, they were just another annoying expansion team like Columbus or Nashville, with ugly uniforms and a stupid nickname. I’ve never been to Atlanta, but I’ve been to other nouveau Sunbelt cities like Phoenix, Dallas, and Houston, soulless, sprawling amalgams of strip malls, subdivisions, and six-lane residential streets. I get the impression that Atlanta has much in common with those places, with the only difference being that it burned to the ground once.

Before this season, Atlanta had defeated the Penguins only three times in their five years of existence. This year, they doubled that total in four contests, and each game was notable. In the first meeting, on Oct. 27, Atlanta established a 4-0 lead before the Penguins scorched them for seven straight goals, including six power-play tallies, to win their first game of the season, 7-5. Two weeks later, the Thrashers humiliated the Pens, 5-0. Then, on Friday, Atlanta had another 5-0 lead before the Penguins stormed back with four third-period goals to make it very interesting. The game also featured a simmering feud between their superstar, Ilya Kovalchuk, and ours, Sidney Crosby, who bumped and smacked each other every time they were on the ice together. After his second goal of the game, Kovalchuk showed up Crosby by pointing toward him as he sat in the penalty box. It was like a scene from Youngblood (the worst hockey movie ever made).

The stage was set for the rematch Saturday night. A defining moment came in the second period when Crosby was penalized for diving after taking a stick to the chops, then was assessed an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for complaining about the call. Atlanta scored on the ensuing power play. The Thrashers' Jim Slater got credit for the goal after he should have been whistled for goaltender interference when he used the Pens' Marc-Andre Fleury as a divan moments before he scored. The game was decided late in the final period on yet another dubious call. With the game tied at three, Penguins defenseman Ryan Whitney was penalized for slashing while racing for the puck to touch up a routine icing. Atlanta scored another power-play goal with less than four minutes left and won. A rivalry was born.

It’s hard to work up as much froth for the Pens’ next opponent, the Edmonton Oilers, who come to the Igloo on Tuesday night. Since Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier left, I've admired the team: They’re based in Canada, were in a similar small-market predicament as the Pens, and they’ve always played a fast-skating, up-tempo game, even during the clutch-and-grab era, which is why my Dad and I would try and see them when they came to town each year. This season, they’re also red-hot, in second place in their division, and winners of 7 of their last 10, a run the Penguins can only dream of. Let’s hope the Flightless Waterfowl can keep up.

The three stars of the week:

3. Sidney Crosby – The kid’s on a 10 game scoring streak and it’s good to see him get a burr in his saddle. But he was assessed six penalties in the two Atlanta games this past weekend and his outbursts were as uncharacteristic as Troy Polamalu’s unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the Bengals playoff game. The Penguins need Crosby on the ice, not in the penalty box. He’s got to take a cue from his boss and landlord, Mario Lemieux, who has been known to score lethal goals when he gets riled.

2. Michel Ouellet – Where did this kid come from? And why did it take so long for him to get to the big leagues? All he does is score goals; he has 10 in the 10 games since his call-up from Wilkes-Barre/Scranton. The way he stands at the side of the net and plunks in puck after puck recalls Robby Brown’s first time around with the Pens, except Ouellet can skate and play some defense, too. His hustle to prevent a meaningless empty-net goal at the end of Saturday’s game was commendable.

1. Ilya Kovalchuk – Amid all of his bush-league posturing, he was undeniably the best player on the ice over the weekend, netting five goals in two games against the Pens. The scoring rampage moved him ahead of Jaromir Jagr in the league’s goal-scoring race.

Photo: The handsome Ron Francis

Baby Pens shed diapers; still stink

Olczyk out. A chain-smoking French Canadian in. But don't breathe a sigh of relief yet.

by Ryan Caione

A couple of weeks ago, I opined that the Pittsburgh Penguins would likely lose a best-of-seven series against their superlative minor league club, the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Baby Penguins. Now, for all intents and purposes, the team in Pittsburgh IS the Baby Penguins.

Coach Eddie Olczyk was finally given the boot last week and replaced by Michel Therrien, who led the Baby Pens to only one loss in regulation through two dozen games. What’s more, no fewer than 10 Wilkes-Barre/Scranton alums are now on the roster. It remains to be seen if the new coach, reputedly a foul-mouthed, chain-smoking French Canadian -- admirable qualities all -- can turn this mutha out. Neither history nor the talent he has to work with is on his side.

The Penguins traditionally haven’t taken kindly to coaches who treat them less than gently. General manager Craig Patrick and owner/captain Mario Lemieux like to keep the atmosphere light and breezy, running the team like an elite health spa. In the late 1980s, Gene Ubriaco, while no hockey guru (this quote is his career highlight), once likened coaching the Lemieux-captained Pens to teaching table manners to a shark. A few years later, the players ran living coaching legend Scotty Bowman out of town on a rail. Kevin Constantine, also a taskmaster, had limited success in the late 1990s.

However, unlike those men, Therrien has little to work with. There is no skill player in his prime on this team, except Dick Tarnstrom and Ziggy Palffy. At age 30 and 31, respectively, Jocelyn Thibault and Sergei Gonchar should be in their prime, but evidently, they are past it. There are no veteran checkers either. Every team needs a couple of foot soldier-types, even if they are Kent Manderville and Kelly Buchberger.

If this was before the lockout, Therrien might be able to whip the team into a crack squad of trappers. But speed is at a premium in the new NHL and for various reasons, the two fastest guys in the organization, Konstantin Koltsov and Rico Fata, remain exiled in Wilkes-Barre. Granted, neither were scoring, but what in the name of Dan Frawley is Matt Murley doing playing every single game? Shane Endicott and Matt Hussey have done little to distinguish themselves either.

Nearly half of this team’s personnel are 26 or younger and several of those youngsters show great promise. But those are characteristics of a minor league club, not one that just fired its coach in the hopes of clawing its way back into the NHL playoff race. If it waddles like a penguin and trumpets like a penguin, it must be a penguin. Unless it’s a Baby Penguin.

The Christmas presents of the week:

To Michel Therrien: Lozenges and honeyed tea. All that smoking and screaming – there will undoubtedly be copious amounts of both given the way the Pens play – can’t be good on the ol’ epiglottis.

To Craig Patrick -- A desperate (and gullible) trading partner.

To Sergei Gonchar - Bomb squad training, because he handles the puck as if it has a lit fuse. And ear plugs to block out the booing every time he touches it.

To Penguins fans – A stiff drink (and your dog one, too.) It’s already been a loooong season, and it’s not even halfway over. But a new year is upon us, so let’s look on the bright side. Michel Ouellet has the confidence of the new coach and thrived the past two games. Erik Christensen is my new favorite Penguin. We have one of the league’s best young forwards, Sidney Crosby, and one of its best young goalies, Marc-Andre Fleury. And for twenty years, we’ve been graced by the greatest hockey player who has ever lived.

Happy Holidays.

Fans to Pens: Put the talk on ice

Penguins don’t have lips. But members of the Pittsburgh Penguins hockey club have been flapping theirs, talking a much better game than they play.

by Ryan Caione

Penguins don’t have lips. But members of the Pittsburgh Penguins hockey club have been flapping theirs, talking a much better game than they play.

In the Post-Gazette over the past week, quotes attributed to various men associated with the team included: "We have to start winning games -- and winning a lot of games -- to get back in the race. We're running out of time,” and "We've lost so much. We're in a big hole, and we have to get out of it." Coach Eddie Olczyk went so far as to proclaim last Thursday night’s game against the Minnesota Wild a “must-win”. That rallied the troops to a disgusting 5-0 loss. Five nights later, they were shut out by the Detroit Red Wings on Monday night. (I refuse to acknowledge Mark Recchi’s irrelevant goal with 29 seconds left in the game.) The Penguins give lip service to having a sense of urgency. Then they loiter around, whistling, with their arms folded behind their backs.

Last week in this space I wrote that things couldn’t get much worse for the Penguins. Well, guess what? They have. Mario Lemieux was hospitalized with an irregular heartbeat, which factored in his decision to withdraw his name from consideration for the Canadian Olympic team. A few days later, he asserted that the chances of the Penguins remaining in Pittsburgh beyond next season are “slim,” and in June 2006 the team can begin to solicit offers from buyers who could move the franchise to Kansas City, Houston, Las Vegas, or Portland, Oregon. In the more immediate future, the Penguins face the specter of being eliminated from the playoff race before Christmas.

On Tuesday night, the Penguins continue their unusual skein of games against Western Conference teams. A day after playing the best in the West, the team travels to St. Louis to play the worst. The Blues are one of the only NHL clubs in a more wretched state than the Penguins, and that’s quite a feat. The folks at the Outdoor Life Network must be delighted to be televising a contest between two teams that collectively have 13 wins in 55 games. I’ll be watching with morbid fascination, but you should read a book or spend time with loved ones.

The three stars of the week:

3. Maxime Talbot – He is one of the few Penguins who consistently exerts himself every game. His name doesn’t always show up on the score sheet, but Talbot does the little things that some of his teammates neglect, such as digging in the corners, taking the body, playing diligent defense, and killing penalties. His hard work paid off Saturday night in a rare victory over Colorado when he scored the eventual game-winning goal by crashing the net and following up on his own rebound. He also had a nice short-handed scoring chance against Detroit. The Penguins need more guys to play like he does.

2. Marc-Andre Fleury – The kid must’ve been quacking like a duck after Detroit used him for target practice. The Penguins parted like the Red Sea against the Red Wings and let them fire nearly 40 shots on the young netminder. When a goalie plays as well as Fleury did in keeping the game competitive – he stopped a ridiculous 18 of 19 shots in the first period -- the rest of the team usually responds by elevating their performance, if only because it’s the polite thing to do. Not the Penguins.

1. Henrik Zetterberg – His name sounds like it should belong to the pouting keyboardist of a German electronic band and he looks the part, too. But he scored the only two goals that Detroit needed in an easy win.

Pengies: Classic C students

Unless there is a dramatic roster shake-up (which could be forthcoming), the flightless waterfowl are what they are: a team that has won less than one-third of its games.

by Ryan Caione

One-fourth of the way into the grueling NHL season, the 2005-2006 Pittsburgh Penguins have thus far proved themselves incapable of carrying over momentum from shift to shift, much less game to game. They have, however, taken mediocrity to a new level. Unable to assemble a dominating performance to kick start their season, the Penguins instead are playing white-knuckle, seat-of-the-pants hockey. They sure aren’t going to win every game doing playing that way and it sure ain’t pretty, but at least it’s been fun to watch.

The Penguins have been ratcheting up their intensity, but it’s still not nearly good enough.

Last Monday night, after two lackluster periods against the Islanders, the Penguins turned up the juice in the third and tied the game, 2-2. What ensued was the longest shootout in the NHL thus far. Each team sent nine skaters to the red line with a chance to win the game. And each goalie turned away shot after shot, until New York defenseman Jason Blake finally beat Pens goalie Jocelyn Thiabualt. It was almost worth it.

Two nights later there was more suspense when brittle “Porcelain” Thiabault was scratched from his expected start against the Philadelphia Flyers after he took a puck in the shoulder during the pregame skate. (Isn’t that what goalies are supposed to do?) Marc-Andre Fleury, who by all rights should be the team’s regular goalie, got the surprise start, and played brilliantly, including some excellent saves during another overtime. Sidney Crosby took a cue from Mario Lemieux and proved that scoring is the best revenge after taking a stick to the face not once, but twice, from the uglier, slower Hatcher brother (Philly defenseman Derian). Crosby's second goal of the night, an overtime game winner, came on a breakaway that ranks as one of the most exciting moments in Penguins hockey over the last five years.

The rematch three nights later also had its share of drama as the Penguins matched the Flyers goal for goal, including one on a wicked shot by Erik Christensen (this kid gives us reason for hope, too) that tied the score at 3, nine seconds after Philadelphia had taken a lead. There was drama, that is, until Philadelphia took control of the game in the third period by forechecking the Penguins into submission, something that’s been happening with alarming regularity.

The Washington Capitals come to the Civic Arena on Tuesday night. This rivalry may have lost some of the vivacity that it had in late 1980s when both teams jockeyed for playoff positioning in the old Patrick Division, or in the 1990s when the Penguins almost annually ousted the Caps from the playoffs (we’ll pretend 1994 never happened, OK?) Even as recently as the season before the lockout, both teams were battling each other for the top pick in the draft. Now, the match-up of teenaged Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin (who is neck-and-neck with Crosby in talent, if not notoriety) should keep this rivalry kindled for years to come.

Three things to be thankful for:

3. Mike Lange – There once was a time that I thought maybe he was losing some of his vim. Maybe it was just me, but after he began doing TV games exclusively in the 1990s, his goal calls weren’t as exuberant; his one-liners were becoming stale. In fairness to him, I wasn’t listening to him regularly the last few years. But this season I am, and he seems to have regained his form. We're lucky to have a Hall-of-Famer calling our games every night.

2. Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, Ronnie Francis, Jaromir Jagr, Badger Bob Johnson, Scotty Bowman, Craig Patrick, Paul Coffey, Darius Kasparaitis, Ulf Samuelsson, Joey Mullen, Brian Trottier, Jean Pronovost, Syl Apps, and all the other all-time hockey greats who called our fair city their home while plying their trade.

1. The Franchise – The Pittsburgh Penguins entered the NHL in 1967 in the league’s first attempt at expansion. Not only where they a fledging team, but they faced the unenviable task of following in the footsteps of the Pittsburgh Hornets, which had won the Memorial Cup as the American Hockey League champions the year before. Their first mascot, a hapless penguin named Pete, died from pneumonia. The team survived bankruptcy twice. It has also endured more untimely deaths of people associated with the team than is fair (Michel Breire, Baz Bastien, Badger Bob, Herb Brooks). But through it all, there has been the skating Penguin (the coolest logo in the NHL), two Stanley Cups, joy, memories, and the ability to unite the community that few things this side of the Steelers can. The Pittsburgh Penguins are a civic treasure, comparable to any educational, artistic, religious, or historical institution you can think of. I hope the muckety-mucks at the state, regional, and city levels do whatever is necessary to ensure that the Penguins will always hail from Pittsburgh, which can little afford to lose another piece of its identity.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Pimply faced Pens

The Penguins’ first 10 games were a period of adjustment. They served to give the team and its players time to get used to new faces, the two-line pass, tighter administration of obstruction rules, and to shake off rust after 15 months without NHL hockey. Over the past week-and-a-half, however, the team has had more emotional ups and downs than a teenager. Let’s recap, shall we? It’s really rather ridiculous.

by Ryan Caione

On Thursday, Nov. 3, the Penguins turned in their finest performance of the young season by leading wire-to-wire and dismantling the New York Islanders, 5-1. Two nights later in Boston, their special teams were appalling and they lost 6-3. Two late goals by the flightless waterfowl made the score closer than the game actually was.

Then, last Monday night in Madison Square Garden, the Pens and Rangers played an excellent, up-tempo game reminiscent of playoff contests filled with crisp passing, spirited checking, and end-to-end rushes. The good guys held on to win 3-2. On Wednesday night in Atlanta the Pens were atrocious, getting shut out 5-0 by a team that has used five goalies already this season.

The next night, after returning from their longest road trip of the season, they showed admirable spunk in another thriller, this time against Montreal, and won their first shootout ever 3-2 on Sidney Crosby’s brilliant top-shelf backhander. On Saturday night they were embarrassed again, this time at the hands of the Rangers, 6-1.

Anyone sense a pattern here? Just typing those paragraphs gave me vertigo. But you know what this means, don’t you? If the pattern holds Monday night against the Islanders, the Penguins will turn in a flawless performance, goalie Jocelyn Thiabault will stop flopping around in the crease like a spawning salmon, and goalless fourth-liners Konstantin Koltsov and Matt Murley will actually show up on the score sheet. A pivotal home-and-home series with the hated Philadelphia Flyers looms after that. Two wins in a row isn't too much to ask, is it?

The three stars of the week:

3. Steve Poapst – The journeyman veteran of 15 professional seasons, signed as an afterthought before the season and originally slated for spot duty, has been a pleasant surprise with his steady play.

2. Sidney Crosby – His game-winner in OT aside, did you see him the other night when he split two defensemen, got knocked to his knees, drew the penalty, and still got the shot off? A lot of ink and airtime has already been wasted on the 18-year-old phenom, but words do little justice to his talents.

1. Jerry Jagger – You may know him as Jaromir, Mario Jr., or Petulant Man-Child. On Saturday, five days after the Penguins broke his 12-game scoring streak, the Rangers winger (that still sounds odd) returned to the city that formerly embraced him as one of its own and, despite being booed almost each time he touched the puck, put up a hat trick against his former team. When the snow settled on the Civic Arena ice, he finished Saturday night tied with Philly’s Simon Gagne at his once-customary spot atop the league’s goal-scoring tables.

Hallelujah Hollywood

Just when it seemed was impossible to watch hockey again, the Penguins reaffirmed my faith in all that is good and decent. It was a long time coming.

by Ryan Caione

Just when it seemed impossible to watch another excruciating display of the Penguins exerting little effort unless they had a man advantage, another pointless penalty and the requisite ensuing power-play goal against, or another overtime defeat, our most favorite flightless waterfowl finally won a game in their tenth attempt of the season. And it was exhilarating.

When the Thrashers went up 4-0 in the first ten minutes of Thursday’s game, I was ill. A stupid team with a stupid name from stupid Hotlanta was embarrassing the Penguins. I had wasted over $100 for the NHL Center Ice TV package and agreed to write this amateurish babble while only watching games from afar like a poser. I started to reconsider if I loved this sport anymore, why I loved it in the first place, and what I’ve done with my life over the last 34 years.

But as he is wont to do, Mario Lemieux struck when things looked bleakest. He answered the Thrashers' outburst with two first-period goals of his own, including a crucial tally in the final minute. For the first time since the first week of the season, it appeared there was reason for hope. The Penguins responded by proceeding to score the next five goals of the game. Sergei Gonchar decided to show up and scored a pair of goals. I cheered and hollered. I got all tingly. My living room became bathed in a great light. The Penguins finally won.

Of course, they ended up blowing yet another third-period lead two nights later against Carolina – another freaking hockey hotbed – but no matter. They at least showed some pep, which had been non-existent over the last two weeks. Hockey is back. Again.

The three stars of the week:

3. The Houston Astros and Chicago White Sox – An absolutely dismal World Series sweep proved yet again that hockey is infinitely more exciting than -- and will always be superior to -- baseball. (When will the people learn?) Plus, the NHL seems to have corrected the economic disparity between teams that threatened to make hockey like the former national pastime, where only big-spending clubs win. Wake me when the Pirates have a shot at a pennant. Of course, I’ll probably be sleeping in the ground by then.

2. Sidney Crosby – Have you heard this kid’s supposed to good? The best player on a lineup peppered with thirty-somethings is only 18. He drew six (!) penalties against Florida on Tuesday after repeatedly getting behind the Panthers’ defense. And, apparently after hearing me yelling at the TV from Austin, Texas, coach Eddie Olczyk finally paired him with Mario, which spurred the team’s recent improved performance.

1. Mario Lemieux – Don’t make him angry. His ire at the linesman after he was assessed a ridiculous obstruction penalty near the end of the Florida game was not quite as legendary as his pummeling of Todd Kreiger in the four-overtime playoff game against Washington in 1996, but it seems to have motivated the Big Guy. He plays better when he’s pissed off.

Photo found on this nice fellow's website.

New columnist covers Ice Burg

Hockey's back.

The following is the first of a series of dispatches from that hotbed of Pittsburgh Penguins fandom, Austin, Texas. The author, Ryan Caione, and his wife, Angela Hoover, moved there in, what was it? 1998? when the then Miss Hoover's job transferred her South. He's got that NHL TV package that allows him to watch all the hockey he wants and he writes well, hence this column.

Caione is a graduate of Beaver High School, as is Mr. Dish. He, like many Beaver High School alums who graduated between, say 1987 and 1992, slouches in an appalling fashion when sitting at a bar stool. Caione and Mr. Dish have theorized this has something to do with the collective self esteem of a group that grew up watching the Steel industry go down the tube as Ronald Reagan presided. Caione frequently exhibited this behavior when he was a student at Pitt, particularly in Oakland's now defunct Beermuda Triangle at the intersection of N. Craig and Centre Ave. He now writes about banks and such for something called Hoovers, one of those online thingies. The similarity between the name of his employer and the maiden name of his wife is purely coincidental.

It’s been too long without hockey. Too long with out pucks, sticks, skates, checks, Mike Lange’s non sequiturs, and guys with names like Maxim Afinogenov and Saku Koivu. Heck, I even started to miss clutching and grabbing. (But who doesn’t now and again?) And I doubt I was the only person who sat through the feel-good family documentary of this past summer and thought of Mario Lemieux every time Morgan Freeman said “emperor penguin."

After a lonely year-and-a-half devoid of hockey due to the work stoppage that eradicated the 2004-2005 season, it’s supposed to be a new era in the NHL. There are new rules. Tie games are a thing of the past, thanks to overtime shootouts. There is more economic equanimity between teams and a promised end to the garage-league tactics (i.e. clutching and grabbing) that the Emperor Penguin Himself has been decrying for a decade and a half.

So far, however, this year’s team has not represented a brave new world, as their off-season signings of proven -- yet aging --familiar players (Mark Recchi, Sergei Gonchar) may have implied. Instead our most favorite waterfowl recall the Reagan era when the Penguins, as they have so far this season, displayed an aptitude for forgoing defensive structure and allowing 7-6 and 6-5 games to slip from their reach. They've won only 2 of their last 20 games in Philadelphia, making Wachovia Center seem like an eerie replica of the old Philly Spectrum, where the Pens didn't win from 1975 to 1989. I won't harp on the fact that the Pens of the mid-1980s also hung hopes on erstwhile 40-goal scorers procured off the street (lord, I hope John LeClair is not Charlie Simmer).

There are flashes of brilliance and times when you, sitting on the couch, think you can play better than they. Nonetheless, the team has played only six games of a scheduled 82. Certainly this year's edition of the Penguins have the talent and savvy to adjust to the new free-flowing rules, rather than collectively playing like a beheaded chicken. Maybe they'll even win a game. But lost points against the likes of Carolina and Buffalo, not to mention division foes New Jersey and Philadelphia, likely will haunt them come spring.

The three stars of the week:

3. Sidney Crosby has been as advertised and better. He’s dreamy.

2. Two nights after New Jersey goalie Marty Brodeur stymied the Penguins in the season opener, Cam Ward, the rookie goalie of the Carolina Hurricanes, turned in an overlooked performance. In the best game of the first week, some guy I’d never heard of had me pulling out my hair as the Penguins set up chance after point-blank chance and he repeatedly denied them. The Hurricanes won 3-2 in the Penguins' first-ever overtime shootout.

1. Can Rico Fata get some love? Why isn’t he mentioned in the same breath as his team's owner and that guy who wins Tours de France (and stomach cancer survivor Saku Koivu)? The top-five scorer on the 2003-2004 Penguins (16 goals and 34 points in 54 games during their most recent season), Fata underwent surgery for testicular cancer six months ago. He was relegated to the third line this year after Pittsburgh signed a Zamboni-load of veterans over the summer. But he continues to play like a dervish, using his speed to crash into opponents and create scoring chances, yet still is responsible defensively unlike some of his teammates thus far.

I wish I was Mario Lemieux. I’m developing an unholy man-crush on Sidney Crosby. But I’ll be rooting hardest for Rico Fata.